Greg Sanders quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Nick

Always thought you kept your porn in there.

Greg

I move it around.

Greg

Okay, now, this is a 66-kilodalton globular protein, composed of two disulfide-linked sub-units, A and B.

Nick

Very impressive.

Greg

And I know what you all think of me -- I'm just another pretty face who got to where I am by sleeping with Catherine.

Greg

Is this the car the guy was killed in?

Nick

He was killed in the warehouse. And don't sneak up on a person like that!

Greg

Now you know how I feel, like ten times a day.

Greg

Your vehicle was painted Sarasota Silver. Also, only available on the S-Series '99 models. I checked with the Mercedes State Rep. Five were sold in Nevada. Sara's tracking down the owners.

Grissom

You've, uh, already shared this information with Sara?

Greg

Yeah, an hour ago. And she was way more fascinated than you are.

Grissom

Well, I'm somewhat fascinated by the fact that I'm your boss, but you talked to her first.

Greg

Well, you were at dinner.

Grissom

I've been in the lab all day, Greg.

Greg

Psst, Grissom. [whispering] We got a development. I went over those swatches that Sara gave me from the bed sheet.

Grissom

Are you whispering?

Greg

I don't want that Gerard guy to hear me.

Grissom

Well, he's not here, so stop it.

Nick

(Looking at his beeper before going to the lab across the hall) You beeped me from across the hall

Greg

Uh yeah, I waved, you didn't look up.

Grissom

Tom Haviland's attorneys are not waiving time.

Nick

Are you serious?

Sara

They're actually exercising their right to a speedy trial?

Gil

No requests for continuances, no stall tactics. They're pushing for their day in court.

Warrick

Good defense attorney always does the last thing you expect.

Catherine

Yeah. What typically drags on for months has now been put on the fast track and the prelim is less than 72 hours.

Greg

I'm only done processing half the evidence.

Catherine

You're going to have to call in help, because if the judge thinks that our evidence isn't strong enough to go to trial, he's going to dismiss the charges on Tom.

Sara

Can't the D.A. drop the charges and we'll refile when we get our evidence together?

Catherine

Sure, but the odds are that Tom will relocate to Europe and pull a Polanski.

Greg

And what's a Polanski?

Grissom

Get-out-of-jail-free card. One more thing: Westcott just added a forensic scientist to their roster. She wants him to examine every piece of evidence we have against Haviland.

Nick

As soon as it's processed they'll get a copy of our report.

Gil

They're entitled to see it as it's processed.

Nick

I've never done a case where the defendant took advantage of that rule of discovery.

Gil

Well, when you can't attack the evidence itself, you attack the method of gathering the evidence.

Sara

So who's their guy?

Grissom

Dr. Phillip Gerard.

Sara

Phillip Gerard? Your mentor is their forensic scientist?

Grissom

Yeah. Marjorie Westcott's a smart lawyer.

Grissom

Greg!

Greg

Yeah.

Grissom

Take off your shoes and socks.

Greg

See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.

Grissom

Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?

Greg

That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me, "Som man reder sa ligger man". [long pause] One must lie in the bed one has made.

Grissom

That's true. Right foot first, please.

Greg

Are you sure you want me to do this? Things could get loud in here!

Greg

[Greg limps into Grissom's office wearing only socks] What did you do to me?

Grissom

You had a reaction.

Greg

I'm Hazmat meat. Quarantine, here I come. [Greg pulls off the socks and puts both his feet up on Grissom's desk. Grissom examines Greg's right foot]

Grissom

Your right foot, I swabbed with a placebo, regular tap water.

Greg

Yeah, well, I'm not worried about the right foot.

Grissom

Left foot...eumycotic dermatitis.

Greg

Oh, great. It's probably fatal.

Grissom

It's a mildew-induced skin rash.

Greg

[stares at Grissom] You infected me with mildew?

Grissom

Here. Hydrocortisone. Follow the directions, clear it right up.

Nick

So, present.

Greg

Eh, forget it.

Nick

How long for DNA?

Greg

Well, give me something to compare it to. Get me the fiancée's blood.

Nick

Well, I can't just give you her blood. That takes a court order.

Greg

I'm open 24 hours.

Greg

Hey, I hear you're cheating on me with an out-of-state DNA analyst.

Catherine

Apples and oranges, Greg. Fifteen-year-old hair samples no roots, room-temperature storage.

Greg

Room temp?

Catherine

Yeah, that's how we stored hair evidence back then. Microscopy was king.

Greg

Really? I thought Elvis was king.

Catherine

And you are how old?

Greg

Age is irrelevant in our relationship.

Catherine

Maybe so, but face it, Greg you just don't have the equipment.

Catherine

Hey, Greggy, any luck on those blood and hair samples?

Greg

Don't insult me. Luck is for those without skill.

Catherine

Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.

Greg

Sad, but true.

Grissom

Greg, how many licks are take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Greg

The world may never know.

Warrick

Just see if you get some DNA off this stick, would you?

Greg

All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.

Grissom

All play and no work makes Greg an unemployed boy.

Greg

I thought we had a relationship! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?

Nick

Right tool for the right job, man. You have to understand the world you're investigating (Greg gives Nick a look) Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?

Archie

In classic, TNG, DS9, Voyager or Enterprise?

Greg

Point taken.

Archie

Or were you thinking about Farscape?

Nick

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Nick

The semen sample I recovered is still being processed in DNA.

Greg

[walks in] Not anymore. I'm done. And no jokes about me being fast in this department. The ejaculate outside the first girl's window -- spank high. Good news: It does have DNA.

Nick

Whose?

Greg

I don't know. Ran it through CODIS, nothing kicked out.

Catherine

Well, it's possible this guy's so new he doesn't even have a record.

Greg

Well, I can tell you this about him: Really low sperm count. Sample hardly had any swimmers.

Nick

That's probably from excessive masturbation. Guy's outpacing his ability to produce ... [he looks up and finds everyone staring at him] ... sperm.

Warrick

You'd know it, spanky