Community quotes

Dean Pelton

Get ready, America! Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately two-sevenths of what he is!

Jeff

Did you just try to murder me? Are you trying to murder me? You're trying as hard as you can right now to kill me. Okay, well... I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow? Guy who tried to murder me...

Oh, I'll see you in class tomorrow, Mr. Winger. I will see you...

Dean Pelton

Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, "now do me"?

Britta

No! I'll do it. [stands up] Let them leak me!

Annie

[stands up] I'm not letting you do this alone.

Frankie

Screw it. [stands up] I'm in.

Abed

[stands up] Someone has to be the last one that stands up, and now, that someone isn't me.

[stands up] I kinda zoned out. I assume we're standing to go see Avengers?

Elroy

These guys are giving hackers a bad name. [stands up] And "hacker" is already such a dumb name.

Jeff

I'm not an idealist; I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so... [stands up] Fine.

Dean Pelton

Guys, this is so inspiring. I guess...just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you! But don't tell anyone I'm with you; if you do, I'll deny it. But I'm with you here and now! Not literally "here and now"; right now, I'm leaving. But I will always have been with you secretly- bye.

Annie

Britta, remember that guy you were in love with, but your love was torn asunder because he was the human incarnation of a certain sandwich franchise?

Britta

I-

Annie

Don't say it! Never say that name without compensation! I know how much that experience hurt you, which is why I'm warning you that I just saw him in the parking lot.

Britta

[gasps]

Annie

Breathe. The self-destructive part of you wants to run straight to him, but we need to be smarter than that, right?

Britta

Right. Thank you, Annie.

Annie

Now, I have one more class, but if you could wait...[turns around] 40 minutes, I will meet-

Annie

Nuh-uh!

Annie

Get to the escape pods!

Britta

You really picked that outfit?

Annie

Britta!

Jeff

It's Meridian. Keep going.

Britta

Insane. And what is your name - "Exploitia"?

Annie

Scorpio Nine! I'm a pleasure droid! No, I'm an assassin?

Jeff

You're both. Keep going. She was a pleasure droid, she got turned into an assassin, she's now the daughter; that's your sister.

Annie

Get to the escape pods! And then we go! This way!

Abed

Check on Chief Star, Jeff.

Jeff

Chief Starr?

What?

Jeff

I'll see you in hell.

What?

Jeff

[gasps] Oh no, grifters! I better watch my French fries unless... [gasps] Counterfeit! Where'd you learn to do that?

Abed

We didn't learn anything. That class is-

Jeff

A ripoff? Hmm, what's another word for that?

Elroy

All he did was throw his hat and make us pass briefcases.

Abed

And he kept trying to sell us stuff. Briefcase swapping talcum for "grifter's palm", briefcase hinge oil for silence switcheroos, and something called extra-believable socks. Those are actually half-off; I kind of feel like I grifted him.

Jeff

So, in a sense, what happened is you took a class about grifting. And...

Annie

Jeff, do you really need us to say it? You were-

Jeff

Eh, whoa, whoa! Yeah, I need you to say it. Let me just get settled. Okay, go.

Annie

You were right.

Jeff

[tenses up in pleasure] Yeah... Well, you live and you learn, guys. Well, you live anyway.

Frankie

...And that solves the matter of the giant hand. If there's no other business-

Dean Pelton

Oh, there's some business.

Abed

Yeah, there's business. When we tie the hand to the roof, we'd like you to use extra thick straps, please.

Dean Pelton

Extra thick.

Abed

Extra thick straps!

Dean Pelton

Reinforced.

Jeff

Alright, meeting adjourned. Great. [gets stunned by Dean Pelton's taser] AAGH!

[chanting while dancing] Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps!

So sad what happened here, all those centons ago.

So sad. So preventable.

Space Elder Abed, can you reach backwards with your mind and save our species?

I can.

I'm Space Elder Britta! [pause] What are you guys talking about?

Frankie

Names. Give me names or you're expelled; that's simple.

I told ya, I don't know nothing about no secret paintball games. This is from huffing paint, I swear!

Frankie

Escort Alex Osborne off campus.

Hey, hey, hey! Hold your horse panties! You didn't tell me you knew my name! Look, I was about to take Todd out and then we both got shot. Guy was invisible - a ghost. Uses silver bullets.

Frankie

A ghost. So no name?

I'd call him "Silver Ghost", but that's probably already taken by an indie comic book or a terrible tequila.

Frankie

Bye forever, Starburns.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Annie

Do you want flashy forward, or cherry and classic?

Britta

Do you have black?

Britta

That's a no. That beleaguered sigh means, "no, I can't have black nails".

Abed

Don't look at the camera.

Annie

You absolutely can, and we all will when our bodies decompose.

Abed

Please don't Jim the camera like that.

Annie

Jim the camera?

Britta

The color black hasn't had anything to do with death or edginess since '89. My accountant has black nails.

Annie

Your what?!

Britta

Don't jump on that. My accountant; it's a figure of speech.

Annie

It's a form of speech called "making things up".

Britta

Abed, can you get that?

Abed

I can film you getting it.

Britta

It's open!

Annie

Is it?

Britta

I dunno; let's see.

Frankie!

Frankie

So I didn't put my wedding clothes on, like you said. So we can get dressed together and be girls together. This is gonna be fun.

Frankie

Annie and Britta told me to come over and get ready with them for Garrett's wedding. I didn't say no. Who says no to something like that? A cold, off-putting, incompatible person. The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a-a-a stoning. I had rocks thrown at me. Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and that's not gonna happen again.

Abed

There is skill to it. More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun. TV defeats its own purpose when it’s pushing an agenda or trying to defeat other TV, or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It’s TV. It’s comfort. It’s a friend you’ve known so well and for so long. You just let it be with you. And it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day, or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back…because eventually, it all will.

Abed

I’m fine.

Britta

[sobbing] I know… It’s not just that… It’s just such a classic mistake, but…I got really attached to my pitch. I had a soundtrack in my head and everything…

Abed

I mean, what shows repeat after season 6?

Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Friends...

Abed

Those shows weren't hemorrhaging characters every year.

Jeff

I love that I got to be with you guys.

Gay.

Jeff

You saved my life, and changed it forever.

Gayyyy!

Jeff

Thank you.

[sobbing] I'm gay... I'm for real gay... I'M LEGIT GAY...!

I got it! The whole show is happening inside this game!

Then explain this! [holds up a small booklet]

What is it?

It's a script... of a fake commercial at the end of season six starring this family...

Sorry, Dad; guess I win.

You stupid child. Nobody's winning anything. Don’t you see? This means we don't exist. We're not created by God; we're created by a joke. We were never born, and we will never actually live.

Dice not included. Some assembly required. Lines between perception, desire, and reality may become blurred, redundant, or interchangeable. Characters may hook up with no regard for your emotional investment. Some episodes too conceptual to be funny. Some too funny to be immersive, and some so immersive they still aren't funny. Consistency between seasons may vary. Viewers may be measured by a secretive obsolete system based on selected participants keeping handwritten journals of what they watch. Show may be cancelled and moved to the internet where it turns out tens of millions were watching the whole time. May not matter. Fake commercial may end with disclaimer gag which may descend into vain Chuck Lorre-esque rant by narcissistic creator. Creator may be unstable. Therapist may have told creator this is not how you make yourself a good person. Life may pass by while we ignore and mistreat those close to us. Those close to us may be those watching. Those people may want to know I love them but I may be incapable of saying it. ...Contains pieces the size of a child's esophagus.