Gareth quotes from Chef!

Gareth

No! What is that?

Everton

This is hollandaise sauce, Chef.

Gareth

What for?

Everton

For this Dover sole.

Gareth

No, no, no, Everton! A little herb butter. What is the essence of cooking?

Everton

Ingredients? Timing? Cleanliness?

Gareth

Restraint. This Dover sole needs that hollandaise sauce like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion.

Janice

Those things he said about you when you came top at school when you were nine.

Gareth

Yes. (Jamaican Accent) "Have to move de boy to a better school. The other children must be as thick as pig shit." (normal) Then when I won the sprint: (Jamaican) "Well, he gets so much practice running away from an honest days work!

Gareth

Everton, let's get a couple of things straight. I am Chef de Cuisine, this is my kitchen.

Everton

Of course.

Gareth

You have learned all my recipes.

Everton

Well...

Gareth

Recipes which have won this place two Michelin stars. Recipes which will remain your faithful standbys all your cooking career.

Everton

I know...

Gareth

And I'm not allowed to learn (Jamaican accent) Uncle Ivan's secret to his dumpling?

Everton

He made me promise on my honour sort of thing.

Gareth

Everton, I am not going to turn my back in my own kitchen!

Janice

How's it going?

Gareth

(smiles) Everton's making some wonderful things.

Janice

Good!

Gareth

His dumplings are a dream, his Guinness Punch is to die for. (expression breaks) It's hell. Hell! He's such an insufferably cocky little smarty-pants I want to smack him in the gob! I hate him. I wish I'd never heard of Caribbean food.

Janice

Then don't do it.

Gareth

I must! My father is bringing his latest floozy, Dorothy, on this special night. She loves West Indian food. We will serve the finest the world has ever known. He won't be able to slag it off because she will be in ecstasies with every mouthful and he'll have to admit it's the best he's ever had. Te-he. Stubborn little git!

Gareth

This is personal. I want to be rude, I'm hoping to cause offence! I have a life long abhorrence to violence inflicted on women, but I am giving urgent consideration to an exception in your case.

[shocked] Mr Blackstock!

Gareth

I have just seen your bill! It is for the sort of money which rarely changes hands without the aid of a gun, and a getaway car! There are names at Lloyds, sitting alone in darkened rooms with loaded revolvers who owe less than this! It's a disgrace! You're charging me so much money you can afford to eat in my restaurant! I don't know why you don't just take up drug trafficking and have done.

Now look...

Gareth

It would mean a sharp drop in your income, granted.

Chef, you've never complained before?

Gareth

This isn't a bill. This is grievous bodily invoicing! I trusted you, Mrs Courtney. "Bring me the best," I said, "and I will pay you what is fair!"

Well, yes.

Gareth

And you betrayed my trust. And you have done that which I dread most in all the world.

What's that?

Gareth

You have proved my wife right!

Gareth

The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavours of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don't believe in eating virgins! This partridge.

Everton

Yeah, that's right, Chef.

Gareth

This partridge on the other hand.

Everton

Got its leg well over, I shouldn't wonder.

Janice

Out?

Gareth

Yes, out. You remember out. You go through this door, the temperature drops suddenly and the scenery changes.

You have a cracked tile on your wall, Mr Blackstock. It was there last month.

Gareth

A cracked tile?

Just above the skirting board.

Gareth

Should I evacuate the building?

Just have it replaced by next time.

Gareth

Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientèle?

Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.

Gareth

Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.

That's so, Mr Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.

Gareth

What...?

As from next year...

Gareth

You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!

Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.

Gareth

Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!

Gareth Henry Blackstock?

Gareth

I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.

Gareth Henry Blackstock...

Gareth

I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!

My name is...

Gareth

Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the grouting. Grieving relatives. Orphaned children. Long court case. Acquittal due to extreme provocation. Compensatory award to me from public funds. Bad business all round. Nuf said? And if you have any further business with me, I'll see you in an hour or so. Goodbye.

Gareth

Now, about the poultry...

Janice

Screw the poultry, Gareth!

Gareth

We live in a small community, Janice. People would talk.

I've applied to be on Masterchef. I even met Loyd Grossman once.

Gareth

Well, don't worry; we won't tell anyone.

Gareth

He dies. Everton Stonehead RIP.

Janice

Now, Gareth...

Gareth

Look at that! It's not a person; it's a smirk on legs. He's unbearable! Two years of being a useless pain in the arse in my kitchen and now this.

Janice

Now, Gareth...

Gareth

And listen to this: "I do feel the restraints of not having my own kitchen and having to conform to a dated and restricted cuisine!"

Janice

Now, Gareth, don't sack him straight away.

Gareth

I'm not going to sack him straight away. I'm going to kill him straight away. Slowly and wickedly, revealing a hitherto unsuspected vicious strain of sadism in my psychological make-up.

Janice

Unsuspected?

Gareth

Then I'll sack him, appending his P45 to his mutilated remains as a compassionate gesture, so only his nearest and dearest can identify him.

Gareth

What a disaster.

Janice

I know.

Gareth

In my own restaurant. This is all your fault.

Janice

That's right blame me.

Gareth

Well I do blame you. Give him a little rope you said, now look what's happened.

Janice

I know!

Gareth

Everything absolutely...perfect!

Gareth

Alphonse! Where's Alphonse? Bring it to me at once, alive! And I want him in chains. Alphonse!

Oui, Chef?

Gareth

I am not a wine expert, Alphonse, but even I have no difficulty in identifying rat's piss when I taste it and this isn't even vintage rat's piss. Were I running Gazza's Fish Shop as so many people here seem to think I am, I wouldn't let my customers shake this over their chips. The person who thinks this is good enough to cook with, Alphonse, is a grape-brained milliwit!

Hello, Rosbif.

Everton

Not here, mate. Try another kitchen.

You have to start boiling your vegetables now or they will not be soggy and tasteless in time.

Everton

Who's Rosbif?

Gareth

We are, Everton.

Everton

You mean they call us Rosbifs like we call them fr...

Gareth

Everton, don't stoop to their level.

So what you do, Rosbifs? Le grey bouf with ze soft cabbage and ze Rice Pudding with ze nice lumps? [reads menu] Wine sauce?

Gareth

That's right.

But what is this wine?

Gareth

I'm sure you've heard of it. It's an alcoholic drink made with fermented grapes.

But you must use ingredients anglais, Monsieur.

Everton

It is English, Monsieur.

What is English?

Gareth

Having trouble with the old second tongue are we? It is English wine.

Le vin anglais? [laughs] Le vin Rosbif? My friend, you have won this contest already. No one else has this great advantage.

Gareth

Everybody, this is Reeny.

Renée.

Gareth

I'm sorry?

It's not Reeny; is Renée. There's an accent above the second E. Renée.

Gareth

I see. What a faux-pas.

That's alright, it's an easy mistake to have made but it's Renée.

Gareth

And I expect you really hate being called Reeny.

Loath it. My friends at finishing school used to tease me about it all the time.

Gareth

I see. How awful for you. I do apologise.

Apology accepted.

Gareth

Everybody this is...you sure this is ok?

Yes, fine.

Gareth

This is Reeny. Reeny is going to be helping us out here in the kitchen. En't that right, lass? Reeny will in time, no doubt, become a valued member of the kitchen staff, but seeing as Reeny is not as yet experienced, I want you to make sure Reeny learns the ropes as I'm sure she wants to. Eee, there's nowt so funny as folk, en't that right, Reeny?