Everton quotes from Chef!

Gareth

All the pies ruined?

Everton

Yes, Chef.

Gareth

All the pasta re-wrapped?

Everton

Yes, Chef.

Gareth

D'you find it?

Everton

Yes, Chef.

Gareth

Good.

Everton

It was under the soap in the toilet.

Gareth

(beat) What an entirely charming interlude. (beat) You're a PRAT, Stonehead!

Gareth

Vegetables for a mullet?

Nearly done, Chef.

Gareth

Nearly?

Well, a moment or two.

Gareth

Now is when they are needed. The fish is peaking, there is no nearly. You must peak together. Has your wife never mentioned this to you?

We're almost there, Chef.

Gareth

BIN!!! What is to most important element of cooking?

Everton

Ingredients.

Gareth

TIMING! Ingredients was the most important element this morning.

Gareth

You're a pea-brained, prat-faced, talentless, pillock-headed cretin, what are you?

Everton

I'm a pea-brained...

Gareth

If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop, then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. Give me strength! I don't want to shout at you.

Everton

No, Chef

Gareth

I want to batter you with a hard and jagged kitchen implement! I'm only restrained by the ludicrous liberal pinko laws that we've got in this country!

Everton

Yes, Chef.

Gareth

In a sanely ordered, civilised society anyone found making runny mayonnaise would be tortured to death slowly in front of a warm applauding audience! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it drop by drop!

Gareth

No! What is that?

Everton

This is hollandaise sauce, Chef.

Gareth

What for?

Everton

For this Dover sole.

Gareth

No, no, no, Everton! A little herb butter. What is the essence of cooking?

Everton

Ingredients? Timing? Cleanliness?

Gareth

Restraint. This Dover sole needs that hollandaise sauce like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion.

Gareth

Everton, let's get a couple of things straight. I am Chef de Cuisine, this is my kitchen.

Everton

Of course.

Gareth

You have learned all my recipes.

Everton

Well...

Gareth

Recipes which have won this place two Michelin stars. Recipes which will remain your faithful standbys all your cooking career.

Everton

I know...

Gareth

And I'm not allowed to learn (Jamaican accent) Uncle Ivan's secret to his dumpling?

Everton

He made me promise on my honour sort of thing.

Gareth

Everton, I am not going to turn my back in my own kitchen!

Gareth

The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavours of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don't believe in eating virgins! This partridge.

Everton

Yeah, that's right, Chef.

Gareth

This partridge on the other hand.

Everton

Got its leg well over, I shouldn't wonder.

Hello, Rosbif.

Everton

Not here, mate. Try another kitchen.

You have to start boiling your vegetables now or they will not be soggy and tasteless in time.

Everton

Who's Rosbif?

Gareth

We are, Everton.

Everton

You mean they call us Rosbifs like we call them fr...

Gareth

Everton, don't stoop to their level.

So what you do, Rosbifs? Le grey bouf with ze soft cabbage and ze Rice Pudding with ze nice lumps? [reads menu] Wine sauce?

Gareth

That's right.

But what is this wine?

Gareth

I'm sure you've heard of it. It's an alcoholic drink made with fermented grapes.

But you must use ingredients anglais, Monsieur.

Everton

It is English, Monsieur.

What is English?

Gareth

Having trouble with the old second tongue are we? It is English wine.

Le vin anglais? [laughs] Le vin Rosbif? My friend, you have won this contest already. No one else has this great advantage.

Gareth

It's a letter from my father. He's coming to visit.

Everton

Oh, is he? How is he?

Gareth

As gittish as ever. In fact, if there was a Hall of Fame for Gits, my father would be revered as the gold-plated, gilt-edged git god of all time. I loathe him more than Gary Rhodes's hair cut.

Everton

You're not still vexed with him, are you, Chef?

Gareth

Vexed? Everton, when I was ten years old my father went round the corner to buy a newspaper. He never came back.

Everton

It's a shame you're gonna have to tell your Dad about you and Janice splitting up.

Gareth

Nah, not at all. We'll just have one of those intimate father-son moments where I break down and confess all, and he takes me in his broad, fatherly arms and says comforting things like: (Jamaican accent) "Heh heh heh, you finally cocked things up this time, ain't it? I tell you that girl was too hoity-toity for you. But you wouldn't listen. Well, she hoity-toity all the way out the front door now! Heh heh heh!"