A character in Chef!
Played by Lenny Henry
Chef! · 55 quotes
Most-quoted character in Chef!: in 50 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Everton (9), Janice (6)
GarethFour partridge. One "well done". Debra, ruin a partridge for me, please. Dry it out, destroy its texture, spoil its taste. Wantonly cast its very partridgeness to the four winds to satisfy this barbarian, this Visigoth, this Viking who has presumably ordered it because the knowledge that I am weeping in the kitchen brings him pleasure.
GarethGaston, if you do not hop it tout suite I will frape votre teeth so far down votre gorge, you will be able to mange avec your derrière as well as parlezing out of it.
GarethThat's right, Everton. Put the eggs and the olive oil on the seat under everything else. That way by the time we get there if we're lucky the mayonnaise will have made itself.
GarethJanice, don't hang up. I just want to say I miss you and I love and I want to feel your body next to mine, I want to make love to you, I want to lick chocolate from all over your body I... Is this 712494? No wait, don't hang up. Do you deliver?
GarethDie! Coins of evil! Die!
[Gareth starts clicking his fingers at two rude customers]
GarethYou know, I can't decide what this is. Either you're being very rude in gaining my attention or you're auditioning for a part in West Side Story or you're being very rude in trying to gain my attention.
GarethShe was kissing a man. We're talking first degree snogging here Cyril.
Gareth, please…be reasonable!
GarethReasonable?! What are you talking about, reasonable? Since when am I reasonable? Do reasonable people produce eighty covers twice a day of the finest gastronomic experiences in England?! Do reasonable people get two Michelin stars? Do you think it’s reasonable to spend your life walking around dressed like this?! Reasonable?! I’m a raving bloody lunatic! If I wasn’t cooking I’d be out doing serial killing! You look at me, you see a personality problem under a silly white hat. Don’t talk to me about reasonable, I don’t do reasonable!!
GarethI get the feeling that we’re in the general area of the topic of discussion now. Could we now get to the point? I mean, what has brought to you all this way that might interest your old school-extremely-slight-never-liked-you-anyway, probably-flush-your-head-down-the-toilet-as-soon-as-look-at-you-acquaintance?
Well, I’ve decided that I wanna work in a decent kitchen.
GarethYou are no doubt waiting for me to say to you 'It pains me to say this' or 'It gives me no pleasure' YOU WILL WAIT IN VAIN! I am Gareth Blackstock. I am seriously unpleasant. I am a bastard. What am I?
You're a bastard, Chef.
GarethYou got It!.
[A customer has asked for salt]
GarethNothing else you wanted, was there?
What?
GarethA splash of Lea & Perrins? A dollop of Daddies to stir into the artichoke and Hollandaise coulis? It really is no trouble, we could send someone into town. I can get you any thing you like to enhance the flavor of your food. Salad Cream, Newman's Own, Branston Pickle. You only have to ask. A little Tabasco perhaps, or barbecue sauce, a spoonful of sandwich spread maybe. A nice packet of cheese and onion flavor crisps to sprinkle over your monkfish and salmon gratin. We could even get you a prawn vindaloo, or family sized pack of chicken drumsticks or menu Beef for two persons with special fried rice and extra sweet and sour pork balls if you like, I mean we don't mind going to a bit of trouble to please the customers here, really. SALT!!! I'm going back to my kitchen now although GOD KNOWS WHY! I mean, do you have any idea of number of highly-skilled man hours over a three-day period have gone into producing this dish?! Which is brought to your table at the zenith of its powers? Its taste, flavors, texture and temperature at the peak of perfection, and WITHOUT TASTING IT YOU CALL FOR SALT?
Your salt, sir.
GarethI hate you with a passion you can only dream of.... bon appétit.
I expect you microwave a lot of this stuff, do you?
Gareth(visibly contains his rage) Strange to relate, no.
Oh come on. You buy things in bags and boil them up. My friend told me.
GarethNo, actually, we don't. You see this is what we call a kitchen. We are chefs. We prepare the food from scratch!
Don't worry, I'm not going to print anything about the cooking!
Following Everton's thorough search for his missing plaster
GarethAll the pies ruined?
Yes, Chef.
GarethAll the pasta re-wrapped?
Yes, Chef.
GarethD'you find it?
Yes, Chef.
GarethGood.
It was under the soap in the toilet.
Gareth(beat) What an entirely charming interlude. (beat) You're a PRAT, Stonehead!
GarethVegetables for a mullet?
Nearly done, Chef.
GarethNearly?
Well, a moment or two.
GarethNow is when they are needed. The fish is peaking, there is no nearly. You must peak together. Has your wife never mentioned this to you?
We're almost there, Chef.
GarethBIN!!! What is to most important element of cooking?
Ingredients.
GarethTIMING! Ingredients was the most important element this morning.
GarethYou're a pea-brained, prat-faced, talentless, pillock-headed cretin, what are you?
I'm a pea-brained...
GarethIf you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop, then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. Give me strength! I don't want to shout at you.
No, Chef
GarethI want to batter you with a hard and jagged kitchen implement! I'm only restrained by the ludicrous liberal pinko laws that we've got in this country!
Yes, Chef.
GarethIn a sanely ordered, civilised society anyone found making runny mayonnaise would be tortured to death slowly in front of a warm applauding audience! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it drop by drop!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Chef! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
