Piper Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Piper

I gotta go home 'cos I gotta interview magical nannies tomorrow and I gotta prepare.

Phoebe

Magical nannies...you mean like Mary Poppins?

Phoebe

Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

Paige

That sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion

Phoebe

Not when the vigilate is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

Piper

Well, that doens't mean it's Cole.

Phoebe

Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

Piper

That means it's Cole!

Piper

Is that who I think it is?

Phoebe

Mom's whitelighter.

Piper

And Paige's father.

Paige

The Elders sent me to protect someone without telling me who he was.

Piper

I'd say that's a bit of an understatement.

Phoebe

I want him dead. I want this over with. And if this doesn't work, we might not get a second chance.

Piper

Got it. Kill him. Dead.

Piper

Everything is so bright and cheery and ruffly.

Paige

Your pants stopped fitting you.

Piper

Well, I could have gone up a size or two. I don't have to resort to maternity clothes. I just feel so-

Adorable! I think it's you.

Piper

Obviously, you don't know me very well. Look, do you have anything that will go with combat boots? Ya know, something for the mom-to-be who kicks some ass upon occasion? You know something in black. Or gray.

... I'll go check.

Piper

So what? I'm unbreakable, dude.

Paige

Dude, I'm not.

Piper

I can't handle this right now.

Leo

What? I told you I was going to have to break a few rules.

Piper

No, no, no. You don't understand, this is the least of our problems. Which ought to give you and idea how bad our problems actually are!

Leo

Come on, it can't be that bad.

Piper

Unless I am mistaken, Cole has teamed up with Jerich and tricked me into getting Paige possessed and Phoebe mummified.

Paige

We're just playing hookie.

Piper

Well Paige, you can't play hookie, cos see, you're unemployed.

Piper

What's the matter with your neck?

Paige

It's this cramp, I've had it for a couple of days now.

Piper

Well, why don't you get a massage?

Paige

Oh, yeah, I'll pencil that in. Right between vanquishing demons and training to be your midwife. (Piper holds up an ugly pale pink dress.) No.

Piper

Well, A, I don't need midwives because I'm delivering with a doctor not sisters. And B, you need to start taking care of yourself because you've actually been working harder than when you were working.

Paige

Yeah, well, someone has to pick up the slack, especially with hermit lady just laying around the house.

Piper

The hermit lady?

Paige

Yeah, Phoebe? Have you noticed she hasn't left the house in weeks.

Piper

What do you mean? She leaves the house every morning.

Paige

No, she leaves the house to go to work. I can understand wanting a break from guys, but come on already, she's gonna wear out the batteries.

Piper

Ah, Paige!

Paige

Hi Phoebe. We were just talking about you.

Piper

And your batteries.

Rats, too.

Piper

No! No, we don't have rats! Wait, they don't live here! They're just...they're just trying to ruin my life!

Piper

I say we go back in there and pull her out by her hair!

Paige

No, no, we can't make a scene. We need a plan.

Piper

Ok, here it is. We go home...we vomit...

Paige

And?

Piper

That's all I got so far.

Leo

Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell... or-or maybe there were some information that she wanted and she was using sex as a tool?

Piper

Okay, I like the sound of that. Sluttly and manipulative. That's better than evil any day.

Phoebe

What about water birth, can we do that at home?

Yeah, we could rent a tub.

Piper

What am I, a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish!

Leo

Well, actually dolphins aren't fish, they're mammals.

Piper

Shut up!

Go to hell.

Piper

I'm already there.