Buffy the Vampire Slayer · Season 4
[At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]
If you don't know how I feel about -
I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
[The others are silent with disbelief.]
OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Please don't.
[Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
Don't see why I have to be tied up.
It's just while I'm sleeping.
Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Oh, you would.
Not bloody likely.
I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
And don't you forget it.
[to Riley] This is the burden we bear brother. We have a gig that inevitably would cause any girl living to think that we are cool upon cool. Yet we must Clark Kent our way through the day never to use it to our advantage. Thank God we're pretty.
[Discussing Willow's wicca group]
So not stellar, huh?
Talk. All talk. Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon, menstrual life-force power thingy. You know after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but...
No actual witches in your witch group.
No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes.
I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Sissy.
I have to get to work
Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like...
It's the end of the world.
Again?
It's, ah, the earthquake... that symbol... yes.
I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!
I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.
[extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?
[To Xander] Kids your age are heading off to University. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.
I'm not. I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
"I wonder where I've seen this before" - Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums. Big freaky cereal boxes of death.
[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
It just made me feel like I was right back in high school.
Dumb jock. If it wasn't for you, he still would be.
Yeah. I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important. It's the dead guy on the bed.
Yeah. That's bad, too.
Ooh, and something else: he, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy's blood with him. And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time. Hello, dating a guitarist. Or, I was.
Tell them about the symbol.
Right. Um, it was carved into his chest, like a big, creepy eye.
It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
I'm telling you, I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where. I mean, it's like...
It's the end of the world.
Again?
It's, um, the earthquake... That symbol is, um...
I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh".
I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
No, i-it can't be. We-we've done this already.
It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.
So what do we do?
I stop it.
What's this? Sitting around and watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass. What? Can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
It's only our methods that differ; we use the latest in scientific technology and state of the art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Er, its more effective then it sounds-
Oh, I'm - quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance into the Initiative, I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed and captured... How many is it?
Seventeen : eleven vampires, six demons.
Oh... wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
What about you?
Me?
How many Hostiles would you say you've slain?
[uncomfortably searches for the right words]
But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.
It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".
[Light-heartedly] Look, if you were fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume too!
Fifteen?!
[Spike is in the process of moving out of Xander's basement.]
You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]
That's my radio!
And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Buffy the Vampire Slayer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
