Buffy the Vampire Slayer · Season 3
You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
Guys, reality!
[Angel gives Buffy a book for her birthday.]
It's sweet and thoughtful, and full of neat words to learn and say like "wilt" and "henceforth."
Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
I'm sorry ... it's just, suddenly there's a chance that my calling's a wrong number ... it's just freaking me out a little.
Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
I saw you before you became the slayer.
What?
I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you.
Why?
Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
I was just thinking that too.
[to Buffy's mother] Mother. May I call you "mother"? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her -- I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, your face will be the first thing she eats. [considers] I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.
Congratulations, you passed. You exhibited extraordinary courage and clearheadedness in battle. The Council is very pleased.
Do I get a gold star?
I understand that you're upset...
You understand nothing. You set that monster loose and he came after my mother.
You think the test was unfair?
I think you better leave town before I get my strength back.
We're not in the business of fair, Miss Summers. We're fighting a war.
You're waging a war. She's fighting it. There is a difference.
Mr. Giles, if you don't mind...
The test is done. We're finished.
Not quite. She passed. You didn't. The Slayer is not the only one who must perform in this situation. I've recommended to the Council, and they've agreed, that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired.
On what grounds?
Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause. It would be best if you had no further contact with the Slayer.
I'm not going anywhere.
No, well, I didn't expect you would adhere to that. However, if you interfere with the new Watcher or countermand his authority in anyway, you will be dealt with. Are we clear?
Oh, we're very clear.
Congratulations again.
Bite me.
Yes. Well, colorful girl.
Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.
Or killed.
Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.
Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Oh, please.
I do!
Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia turns and walks away.]
[to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once ... I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!
Really? Pop?!
You up for it?
Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.
Just relax. And take your pants off.
Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.
Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
[to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
And it just got harder.
I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Then you'll die, too.
Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Are you?
[tired smile] I like the quiet.
But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"?
Not sure.
I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Am I?
Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?
Could be.
No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Not the way I play it.
Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have?
An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it's very nice to meet you.
Is he evil?
Evil?
The last one was evil.
Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials ... rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Is he evil?
Not in the strictest sense.
Ah, this is perhaps Faith.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Screw that. [she turns and leaves]
Now why didn't I just say that?
Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
I will?
Are you not used to being given orders?
Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says 'please'. And afterwards I get a cookie!
Now hold on, we can deal with this rationally. We have something you want, you have something we want...
A trade, intriguing... No, wait, boring. Pull off his kneecaps!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Buffy the Vampire Slayer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
