It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.
SSal
I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.
Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.
SSal
The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.
Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"
SSal
They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something like that, right?
Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?
SSal
I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.
Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.
Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?
Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.
It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?
No, Charles, we gotta go fast.
Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.
So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?
Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-
That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
Fine. What about this guy?
No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed?
Fine. But what was with the flossing?
A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.
But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.
I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?
NLNorman Lee
He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. I don't know what's going on.
A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair products.
Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.
So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!
Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!
You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!
Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!
Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.
Twist my words all you want.
What bet? What're you guys talking about?
Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?
Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?
[Two men have backed a cargo truck up to a building one night and are getting to work as Jake and Amy approach them.]
All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!
MMan
We're kind of busy here.
Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.
No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.
Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.
Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!
You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]
[Gasps] You son of a bitch!
Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! [The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice work.
MMan
I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.
The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !
Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!
You don't wanna do this, man.
No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!
[Terry and Jake chest-bump, and Terry effortlessly knocks Jake to the floor.]
[Before the detectives start a football game]
We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department. [The two teams approach each other] Fire Marshal Boone; we meet again.
BBoone
Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look.
I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.
BBoone
That's not what your mom said.
BBoone
And now I'm inside your head.
[Operation Broken Feather has commenced; the detectives are stalling The Vulture as Jake works to get a confession from a suspect.]
Okay, Gus. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full, signed confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.
[Slams his hands on the table and leans in] Listen to me, Gus. We can do this, son!
[Peralta enters wine shop]
Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
CClerk
That will be $1,600.
Great, I'd like your eight-dollar-est bottle of wine, please.
[Jake visits Dr. Kevin Cozner at Columbia University]
Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.
I'd like to talk to you about a case I solved.
KKevin
Thank you, but just as with my home, my office has a strict "no cop talk" policy.
I figured. But the case that I have solved is the case of the "no cop talk policy". There were three things that bothered me about last night: you didn't want the 9-9 at your party, even though you'd never met us, your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully if they were harassed, and there was something interesting about that photo in your library. You and the Captain were shunted off to the side. I don't think you dislike cop talk; I think you dislike cops.
KKevin
I'm married to one.
I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun to watch the man you love marginalized, underappreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
KKevin
Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
KKevin
So, yes. I decided a long time ago that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, Detective.
Nice cop lingo! Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. I'd love to make it up to you.
