You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]
Whoa. What's with the cast?
I sprained my wrist.
[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
He's in a fight club?
No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.
[incredulous] Men's field hockey?
Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Yes.
I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.
[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.
[He deletes the picture]
No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.
[On intercom] Hey, Nate, just talking about how you're alive.
DDexter
Yeah, I'm alive.
But whose melted torso did we find? [Realizes] Sophia's husband.
Yes! Sophia and Dexter were having an affair, husband found out, Nate killed him. [On intercom] Now I'm telling my friend about how you killed that guy.
DDexter
It was for love!
Cool motive, still a murder.
[Peralta hooked up to a polygraph machine]
I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Yes, obviously. [Scoffs]
TTechnician
Lie.
See? It's busted!
Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
[Scoffs] No.
TTechnician
Lie.
Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.
[Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?
I wanted to work the toughest case we had.
Why?
Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? [Scoffs]
Yeah, that's the whole point of it.
Seriously? That seems lame.
I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]
Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.
TTechnician
That's a lie.
Come on, man.
All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.
I will not.
Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.
[Holt looks back, stone-faced. Cut to when Jake and Holt are admitted to see Judge Mindel.]
JMJudge Mindel
Have a seat, Detective.
I will not.
JMJudge Mindel
Excuse me?
Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I will not.
JMJudge Mindel
[Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.
But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?
JMJudge Mindel
I take it you're the toddler.
[Jake is undercover as a new member of the Italian mafia, attending a wedding celebration dinner.]
Excuse me, excuse me! I'm Jake Peralta. [The guests applaud.] So thrilled to be here today. As many of you know, I used to be a cop. [The guests boo.] Hey, I was dirty; I took tons of bribes. But as a former detective, I know a thing or two about life sentences. And Angie, Marco, you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage. Make us proud, have a son. Salut!
[Jake approaches four dons later on in the night.]
Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]
TTony
[Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and kisses him]
You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?
TTony
[To another don] He's a good kid.
[The other three bosses repeat the ritual of kissing Jake.]
You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the meatballs were a little dry.
[Outside Captain Holt is listening in a mobile headquarters van.]
Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!
[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?
[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.
My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
It's not supposed to.
Trunk to skunk?
Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
Neither does your wife, I guess.
Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!
And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?
Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
[After Jake has managed to prevent Terry from having his vasectomy, and he and Jake are talking in the kitchenette. Earlier, Terry had berated Jake about how unhealthy his eating habits were]
I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.
Did you tell her we slept together twice?
Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]
Do you know what a present is, Terry?
I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.
[as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!
Come here.
[He begins to force-feed Jake the carrots]
I hate being friends with you!
CDChief Deputy Madeline Wuntch
I've examined his proposal; there's no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.
So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.
That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naïve.
And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
I have no idea who's winning.
I am.
Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?
Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today is-
It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.
It's Halloween.
All right, and what happened last Halloween?
Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans Brüggen birthday concert.
Please stop saying Brüggen.
Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.
[In a flashback]
Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.
[Back in the present]
But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.
Or, we could just not do it at all this year.
Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!
It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.
All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his attention. He's coming back to me.
Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
Correct.
I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.
Accords!
Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they really smash my car?
No. In fact, I had them wash it.
Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.
Yes. Here we go.
One second.
[Holt snaps his fingers, and a light in the viewing room behind the one-way glass reveals Terry, Boyle, Diaz, Amy, Scully and Hitchcock.]
Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this minute!
Good. Then you're only three months behind.
You played me?!
Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.
Hello, Raymond.
Madeline. I'd wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.
I heard you were under investigation from Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that!
So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.
[Recording] It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Brooklyn Nine-Nine pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.