Brickleberry Season 1 quotes

Connie is 12 hands high with good gums, and apparently, has broken our scale.

Malloy

Connie, where's your bikini bottom?

Connie

It's right here, my camel toe's eating it. See? [her bikini bottom rips]

I GOT YOU NOW, JOHNSON!

Woody

God dammit! I thought the one place I'd be safe is a dark dead-end, alley!

SHUT THE HELL UP! Now, give me the 20 grand you owe me!

Woody

I have got to stop betting on Quidditch! I thought Hufflepuff was due!

You'd better pay up now or I'm gunna take a glass rod, HEAT UP UP WITH A BLOW TORCH, AND STICK IT UP YOUR-

Uh, heh heh. Just a second.

[nice and happy] Hello, deary! How's my lovely wife doing today? Oh, you need me to do the laundry? Oh, certainly, my love. I'll be right there in two shakes of a lamby's tail! Well, ta-ta for now! Hugs and kisses, sweety pie! Okay, bye-bye.

Woody

Heh, heh. Your wife makes you do the laundry?

SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PATHETIC BITCH! Now listen. You'd better cough up the $20,000 you owe me OR I'M TAKING A LONG THICK GLASS ROD, TWICE YOUR SIZE, HEATING IT UP TO 20,000 DEGREES, ONE FOR EVERY BUCK YOU OWE ME, AND I AM SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR...

[nice and sweet] Hi, baby! Oh, Scooters went pee-pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up, straight away! I love you more than rainbows! Bye bye.

SO ANYWAY, GLASS ROD, BLOW TORCH, AND IT'S GOING STRAIGHT UP YOUR-

[nice and cheery] Hi, bubblegum fairy! Ooh, you want me to pick up Hazelnut truffles from The Cheesecake Factory? Well, sure thing fluffy kitten. [meows]

NOW, WHERE WAS I!?

Woody

[choking] Glass rod? 20,000 Degrees?

Right. Thank you. ALRIGHT! I'M JUST GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE! GLASS ROD! 20,000 DEGREES! I'M GUNNA CRAM IT UP UP YOUR-

Woody

[choking] Wait! Hold on! Give me another chance! A bet! Double or nothing!

On what!?

Woody

[choking] Uh, hold on. Let me think.

I'm winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant. It's the surest bet ever.

Woody

[choking] On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant!

Okay, you're on. [pins him to the wall once more] AND WHEN YOU LOSE, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT AFOREMENTIONED MOLTEN HOT GLASS ROD AND THRUST IT 500 MILES UP YOUR-

[nice and lovely] Hi, little lamb. Eh-Leave Woody Johnson alone? Why?

Woody

[in a girly voice] Because he's a nice man.

Woody

Well, what'd she say?

Woody

Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.

Denzel

Shut your ass up!

Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?

Woody

What's so goddamn funny?

Denzel

Quiet, boy.

Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! [he dances]

Denzel

[laughs hilariously] I did not see that coming.

Woody

I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!

Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.

Woody

But, Mommy...

Denzel

Oh, Anita, I don't want to.

No arguments!

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?

Malloy

Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.

Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.

Malloy

White people. You know what I'm saying.

Denzel

All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.

Steve

Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.

Denzel

All right, Now go get' em.

Steve

[clear throats] ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪

Denzel

Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!

Steve

Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.

Denzel

Do it! Do it!

Steve

♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪

Steve

♪ You say love, is easy. But love is painful. But love can make you cry. But love can leave you bloody. it's not easy, but love fills you up inside. ♪

Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?

Connie

I peed.

You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.

Steve

What's your name?

Fuck you. That's my name.

Steve

Is that Korean?

Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.

Denzel

It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]

That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.

Woody

Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?

Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.

Woody

No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.

All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]

Steve

Bye, Fuck you.

Woody

[shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?

[not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....

Woody

[interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!

There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!

Woody

Huh? [glares at Malloy]

Malloy

Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

Malloy

Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.

Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.

I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!

Woody

You're the one who told me to stand up to the secretary.

Malloy

I'm a bear. You took advice from a bear.

Woody

Good point. I won't do that again.

Malloy

Now I've got some advice for you.

Woody

Lay it on me.

Malloy

From now on, you are going to do everything she says, and beg her for your old job back.

[as she throwing some knives at Firecracker Jim] I hate you, you son of the bitch! [Firecracker Jim tackles her]

Malloy

I can't spend another night at this stump dump. We've gotta get our place back.

Woody

We will, Malloy. I promise. Let's just try to make the best of it.

Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.

Oh yeah, That's hot.

This for a magazine or something?

No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.

Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.

Steve

That's great, Ethel.

So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?

Denzel

So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.

Connie

I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...

Denzel

Calm down. At least I appreciate you.

Connie

Really?

Denzel

Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.

Connie

I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!

Denzel

[coughing] What are you doing?

Connie

I was saving your life.

Denzel

Next time let me die! where the hell are we?

Connie

Looks like the deserted island.

Denzel

Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.

Connie

I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...

Denzel

Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.

Woody

[sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]

[excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!

[satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]

Steve

[walks through one jump rope leap], Whew! Okay, I did the rope. I did half a sit up. Why can't I lose weight?!! [shakes his pot belly] All I've been eating are these rice cakes. [picks one up]

Denzel

[agitated] Those are Rice Krispie Treats dumbass!

I'm here about the job?

Yeah, actually, we've already decided...

Woody

That you're hired.

Oh, goodie!

WHAT!?

Connie

Yes!

Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?

You shot my husband!

Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.

He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.

It's okay, She's hot.

[gasped] Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]

Woody

So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.

Whoa. We don't use that term here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".

Woody

Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.

Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.

Denzel

Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.

Bye, nigger!

You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.

Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".

Woody

Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.

Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.

Steve

[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.

God damn it!