I've got exciting news.
Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!
No, today's my birthday!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So, what's this big important news?
Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!
Yes!
[Ethel gasped]
[bubbling; healing]
Oh, my God. She's completely healed.
And my rash is gone.
I wonder if it cures bitch.
[bubbling]
I think my hymen just grew back.
Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.
Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.
You could have just told us.
Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.
How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!
I could get used to this.
There must be a scientific explanation.
Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.
And another reason not to believe in God.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.
Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.
Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.
Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.
Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.
Wait. You've never seen snow?
Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.
Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!
What's wrong, Denzel?
Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!
Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.
God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.
Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!
So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?
Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.
[Lyrics to Miracle Lake]
Let me tell you a little story 'bout this here lake.
CChoir
Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.
Michael J. Fox jumped in. Now he don't shake.
CChoir
Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.
We got Stephen Hawking walking and talking.
CChoir
Yeah! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake!
If you've got cancer, this lake's the answer.
CChoir
Miracle lake!
You got crohn's disease. Well, put your mind at ease.
CChoir
Miracle lake!
If you go glaucoma, make yourself at home-a.
CChoir
Miracle lake!
Thrombosis, therosis. It'll change your prognosis.
CChoir
Miracle lake!
You got irritable bowel? Jump in. Grab a towel.
CChoir
Miracle lake!
If you got leukemia, you can...(speaking) eh ... bulimia? Emphysemia? ... Screw it, just jump in!
CChoir
Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Take me to the water right now! Take me right on in. It's a miracle! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!
Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!
[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-
And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!
Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]
[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.
And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?
I never told you about the ghost that ruined my childhood? It all started 25 years ago. I got up on Christmas morning and there were no presents. My dad said the ghost stole them. Then the ghost gambled away my college fund, backed over my dog, and gave my mo two black eyes on her birthday!
Back in the 70's, I made a living as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.
Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?
Huh? I-I don't get it. Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs you stumble into when you're young and new to the city and you got a DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE FOR A DICK! [laughs]
PAPorn Actress
Oh no. It's my husband and his brother! They just finished playing 18 holes.
WJWoody Johnson (Rex Erection)
I got 2 more holes you guys can play.
[Ethel protests against porn]
Oh, God. What is this now?
Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?
... Yes ... And no, you can not be in it.
I would never be in this movie ... Wait, why can't I be in this movie? ... [self-conscious] You don't think I have trucker arms, do you? Is it my nose? [gasp] Are my boobs to small!? ... You know what? I'm not gunna fall into your little trap. [walks away before runs back; desperate] DON'T PUT ME IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE! PUT ME IN! MALLOY! PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!
Fine, but I'm not gonna pay you.
Yes, I'm pretty!
MMedium
Don't tell me about yourself. I'll tell you about yourself. You like to eat candy.
Yes!
MMedium
You don't have a girlfriend.
No!
MMedium
And you brought me here for some information on ... some subject.
Oh my God! Yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost. Where do you think he is?
MMedium
Uh,...Ooh! The graveyard!
I knew it!
Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you? This is bullshit.
MMedium
Oh, a non-believer. Well, let me go check in with the other side. [gasp] I'm sensing, your grandmother mispronounces words like "Libary" and "Baffroom".
... Holy shit.
CChastity
I think I might wanna go to nursing school.
I'm pretty sure they drug test.
CChastity
Oh, well.
You're a very lucky man, Woody. Everything's going to be fine.
Great! So I can perform?
[chuckles] Of course you can perform ... in stage plays, Lifetime original movies, even blackface minstrel shows. Just not pornography. You see, Woody. You're suffering from a rare ailment. Multiple sclerosis.
I have multiple sclerosis!? SHIT!
Oh, Heavens no. I wish you did. I said "multiple scrote cysts". As in, multiple cysts in your scrotum. Each cyst is a little ticking time bomb. Every single bounce of your ball bag brings you closer to death.
Level with me, Doc! How many thrusts do I have left!?
I can't give you an exact number, Woody but it's somewhere between, say 70 and 72.
Soooo, ... 700000 ... 1? [pronounced: seh-ven-dee-wun]
[laughs] If only medicine could be that precise.
[about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?
Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.
Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.
She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.
Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.
Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!
Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.
[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]
Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.
[phone ringing]
Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.
[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.
Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?
[phone ringing]
No.
[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!
GGuy
[On a phone] Maybe?
Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?
[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?
WHAT?!
[Connie screaming as she running around from Steve is holding a raw fish while he's chasing at her around and she's jumps to breaking out the window]
Now before we do this threesome I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.
[sheep bleats]
Aah! Ow! What the hell y'all doin'?
Evicting you for tearing up my park!?
That wasn't me, that was "Drunk Bobby". If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.
Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park!
[An old air conditioner falls down with a piece of paper goes off and onto the ground]
Huh. This looks like it's from the olden times. What is it?
How am I supposed to know what the hell is? It's got words and shit on it.
Wow...1880's, da da da. Civil War...Your cousin..."Reginald Wooten Possumcods"... Oh, my god. According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.
Wooo!! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer?
Give me that! Ooh...Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park!
Don't get more official than that.
That's not what it says. It says right here Bobby owns the park, and..[Woody kicks him]
Oh, I know what it says now. It says get the hell off my property!
Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]
The fuck's a Wi-Fi?
BBoDean
"ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]
I don't even know who you are anymore.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Brickleberry pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.