So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.
ConnieI'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...
Calm down. At least I appreciate you.
Connie
Really?
Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.
Connie
I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!
[Connie furiously steps and accidentally make empty toxic barrels collapse into a river, Connie and Denzel are on a river and they falls into a waterfall, Connie breathing Denzel to save his life]
[coughing] What are you doing?
Connie
I was saving your life.
Next time let me die! where the hell are we?
Connie
Looks like the deserted island.
Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.
Connie
I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...
Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.
SNSee 'n Say Farmer Says
The coyote says...
That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.
I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.
Oh, my god. That's a...fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber. It's time to be a great ranger! [she runs off]
Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next. We can work our scissoring.
Connie
Did someone say "scissoring"?
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Connie
No, it's mine!
Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Connie
Steve?
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
SSSteve's Camper
We're gonna lose!
SSSteve's Camper
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.
Alright, kids. Who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use-your-imagination swimming? Oh my god, where are they?! What do you think you're doing?!
Connie
We're just playing flashlight tag.
In a dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt. [he throws a flashlight to hit a handicap camper on a face] See? Everybody back inside!
Connie
No! we're not going back inside. And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore!
You want to split-up the tribe? Fine. Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with. Me, the world's best counselor, or...
FCFat Camper
Connie, we picked Connie.
What?! I guess you four are my only campers. At least you guys like me.
WHWheelchair Handicap Camper
We don't like you. You have our insulin.
And don't you fucking forget it.
Connie
♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Connie
Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Connie
Yay! A parade!
Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
Connie
What makes you feel that way?
[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
What? How could you hate cows?
There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Well, let's go say hello.
[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Connie
Thanks, Malloy.
Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!
This was the worst day of my life!
Connie
This was the best day of my life! How was your day, sister Ethel?
Connie
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I think we should live here forever. I really feel at home among the "Aim-ish".
First of all, it's "Amish"! Second, your face looks like a fat turd rolled in orangutan hair!
Connie
But at prayer service, you said I looked like Abe Lincoln raped carrot top.
I need some alone time! [sighs] I guess I'll go read the bible by candlelight.
Connie
Aw, Ethel, I'm sorry mispronounced "Am-osh". I, uh...Hey!
Connie
Is that Happy Dappy Bird?! How could you do this after you made me throw away all my stuff?
Living like this was just too hard.
Connie
You're a hypocrite, and you broke the rules of our "Aa-mish" people.
Connie
Sorry?! Do you know how much it sucks using a hand-cranked vibrator?! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick the splinters out of my cooch! I've been pissing toothpicks since Tuesday! [she walks, she close the door]
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
