[via computer voice] People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Malloy[swipes the stick away from Steve] Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.
Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.
[referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!
Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.
Ha, ha, ha. Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.
Malloy
I am gonna fucking claw your eyes out!
Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.
Malloy
I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal!
And he has such a colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD. [Malloy bites her arm] OW! go play honey!
[Ethel throws Malloy breaks out the window from the her cabin]
This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
Malloy
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Malloy
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.
[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
This is going too far, Denzel!
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
It's just a baby, Denzel.
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Malloy
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
[Steve makes a phone call, where he insults Woody right in front of him]
Yeah, he's a real jerk. I can't stand him. No. He's right next to me. With his big stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.
FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE!
[Woody takes the phone and it's a preschooler telephone toy]
See what I'm dealing with?
Malloy
Down syndrome?
AAnnouncer
Connie is 12 hands high with good gums, and apparently, has broken our scale.
Malloy
Connie, where's your bikini bottom?
It's right here, my camel toe's eating it. See? [her bikini bottom rips]
Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.
AAAfrican-American Boy in a TV
Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?
[Denzel laughs hilariously]
AAAfrican-American Boy in a TV
Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! [he dances]
[laughs hilariously] I did not see that coming.
I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!
AAnita
Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.
Oh, Anita, I don't want to.
AAnita
Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?
Malloy
Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.
AAnita
Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.
Malloy
White people. You know what I'm saying.
[shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?
SSecretary
[not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....
[interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!
SSecretary
There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!
Malloy
Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.
Malloy
Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.
BBuella
Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.
FJFirecracker Jim
I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!
[Jim leaps onto Buella's face and starts punching her and the two beat each other up]
You're the one who told me to stand up to the secretary.
Malloy
I'm a bear. You took advice from a bear.
Good point. I won't do that again.
Malloy
Now I've got some advice for you.
Malloy
From now on, you are going to do everything she says, and beg her for your old job back.
BBuella
[as she throwing some knives at Firecracker Jim] I hate you, you son of the bitch! [Firecracker Jim tackles her]
Malloy
I can't spend another night at this stump dump. We've gotta get our place back.
We will, Malloy. I promise. Let's just try to make the best of it.
How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?
How about I put you in charge of getting you wall-eyed nipples away from me?
What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!
Malloy
I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!
Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. [she throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor] Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!
[Ethel angrily groans]
Malloy
I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans since bus passes went up.
This is your fault, Malloy.
Malloy
Why don't you just show it to them?
NO! there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody! I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Malloy
So is your uterus.
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Malloy
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
SSSteve's Camper
We're gonna lose!
SSSteve's Camper
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.
♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
What makes you feel that way?
[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
Malloy
I hate cows!
What? How could you hate cows?
Malloy
There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Malloy
I'm not scared of cows.
Well, let's go say hello.
Malloy
No, no, no!
[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Malloy
Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
