This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.
Denzel[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
This is going too far, Denzel!
Denzel
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Denzel
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
It's just a baby, Denzel.
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
Denzel
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
Denzel
Fine.
Denzel
Connie, I'm sorry...[Connie is sleeping; snoring, he walks quietly to Donnie's bassinet] Uh, Donnie, I'm not good at this apology stuff, but...I'm sorry I'm said you were the antichrist maybe when you grow up a little, you and I can...
DDonnie
[satanic voice] Apology accepted.
Denzel
Oh, thanks, Donnie. You're pretty cool...WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?!
DDonnie
Denzel, I'm going to rip out your dick! and feed it to the demons of hell! [growling, vomiting]
[Denzel screaming in frightened]
DDonnie
[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
DDonnie
The preacher said you're a pussy.
What? [he punches Vernon]
VVernon
What's wrong with you?
Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Denzel
Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
FQFather Quinn
I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
Denzel
Rabbi Maltzman!
RMRabbi Maltzman
No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
Denzel
And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
Denzel
And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
DDonnie
I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
FQFather Quinn
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
DDonnie
So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
DDonnie
You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
Denzel
We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
VVernon
Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
Denzel
You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]
Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]
Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.
Denzel
Shut your ass up!
AAAfrican-American Boy in a TV
Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?
[Denzel laughs hilariously]
Denzel
Quiet, boy.
AAAfrican-American Boy in a TV
Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! [he dances]
Denzel
[laughs hilariously] I did not see that coming.
I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!
AAnita
Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.
Denzel
Oh, Anita, I don't want to.
AAnita
Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?
Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.
AAnita
Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.
White people. You know what I'm saying.
Denzel
All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.
Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.
Denzel
All right, Now go get' em.
[clear throats] ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪
Denzel
Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!
Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.
Denzel
Do it! Do it!
♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪
SSecretary
Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?
SSecretary
You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.
SSecretary
Fuck you. That's my name.
SSecretary
Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.
Denzel
It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]
SSecretary
That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?
SSecretary
Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
SSecretary
All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]
[door close]
Denzel
So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.
I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...
Denzel
Calm down. At least I appreciate you.
Denzel
Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.
[Connie furiously steps and accidentally make empty toxic barrels collapse into a river, Connie and Denzel are on a river and they falls into a waterfall, Connie breathing Denzel to save his life]
Denzel
[coughing] What are you doing?
Denzel
Next time let me die! where the hell are we?
Looks like the deserted island.
Denzel
Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.
I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...
Denzel
Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.
Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.
Whoa. We don't use that term here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".
Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.
Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.
Denzel
Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.
You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.
Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".
Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.
Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.
[In Ethel's thought bubble, Amber's dead in hangman]
[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.
I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
Denzel
Now you got me wanting to quit.
Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.
Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.
Denzel
We know! We all got lyme disease.
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
Denzel
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Denzel
Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
SSSteve's Camper
We're gonna lose!
SSSteve's Camper
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.
♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
What makes you feel that way?
[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
Denzel
[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
Denzel
What? How could you hate cows?
There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Denzel
You scared of cows!
Denzel
Well, let's go say hello.
Denzel
[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Denzel
Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
