Saul Goodman quotes from Breaking Bad

Saul

Hello. Welcome. What a pleasure it is to have you. Just gonna call you Skyler if that's okay. It's a lovely name. It reminds me of the big, beautiful sky. Walter always told me how lucky he was, prior to recent unfortunate events. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: Only the very best with just the right amount of dirty.

Badger

You told me to my face you weren't a cop, man. I feel manipulated. I thought we were gonna hang out.

We are hanging out, Badger. You like Badger or Brandon?

Badger

I like people who don't, like, abuse the Constitution.

Badger, listen. I'm trying to help you here, man. If you just tell me who your supplier is, I think this can end very well for you.

Saul

[buzzer sound] What're you doin', detective? What're you doing, talking to my client without me present? You sneaky Pete! [looks at Getz] Heh, which is which? What, did the–did the academy hire you right out of the womb? You guys get younger every... [to Badger] What'd you say to Baby Face, huh? Did you say anything stupid? By anything stupid, I mean anything at all.

Badger

I–

Saul

Oh, look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter... We'll talk about it later. [to Getz] Right now, you. Out. Ten minutes ago. Go on. There are laws, detective. Have your kindergarten teacher read them to you, alright? Go grab a juice box, have a nap, go on. [Getz leaves] Alright, who do we have?

Badger

Brandon Mayhew.

Saul

[looking through his files] Brandon Mayhew... Alright, Brandon Mayhew... Ah, here we go. Public masturbation.

Badger

What?

Saul

I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flatscreen TV, fifty channels of pay-per-view? [looks back at the file] In a Starbucks! That's nice, heh-heh.

Badger

That ain't me, man! I'm–I was the guy who was selling meth... allegedly.

Saul

[looks through his files again] Okay, alright, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little Wite-Out can't take care of. Yeah, and uh... felony quantity.

Badger

Just barely.

Saul

Yeah, just barely. The cops around here are like butchers—always got their thumbs on the scales, y'know—but good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks: I'm gonna get you a second phone call, okay? You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4,650. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. [writes the amount down] Four-six-five-zero. Okay? And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter—Actually, I want it in a money order... and make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. And after that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely not American Express, so don't even ask. Alright? Any questions?

Badger

Uh... you're gonna get me off, right?

Saul

What do I look like, your high school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? [pause; Badger stares at him] That's a joke, Brandon! Lighten up! [in low voice] Son, I promise you this: I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy.

Saul

Oh, my God! You really are a chemistry teacher! Heh-heh. Uh, you mind? [closes the door] I was terrible at chemistry. I'm more of a humanities guy.

Walter

How did you find me?

Saul

We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. My P.I. charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one.

Walter

So this is what? Blackmail?

Saul

Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.

Walter

So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?

Saul

C'mon. Have you seen my hourly rate? Heh-heh. Oh, by the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar buried in the side yard, huh? You know, this kid Mayhew may be the first of your guys to get picked up, but he won't be the last. And if I can find you, how far behind can the cops be?

Walter

I don't understand. What exactly are you offering to do for me?

Saul

What did Tom Hagen do for Vito Corleone?

Walter

[stares at Saul perplexed while shaking his head] I'm no... Vito Corleone.

Saul

No shit! Right now, you're Fredo! But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: You've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? [starts to head for the door, but stops and turns around] So if you want to make more money and, uh, keep the money that you make... [taps his foot and holds his arms out with flair, pointing to Walter] Better Call Saul!

Saul

Look, let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering?

Walter

At this time...$16,000.

Saul

How long you been doing this?

Walter

We've had some extenuating circumstances.

Saul

Yeah, apparently. All right, $16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes out to $9,960. Congratulations, you've just left your family a secondhand Subaru.

Walter

God. This entire process has just been so... It's always been one step forward and two steps back. We need your help.

Saul

Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: You two suck at peddling meth. Period. So, give up on trying to do it all yourselves. Hell, I'm amazed you got this far.

Walter

Look, we are not going to deal with another high-level distributor. No, thank you. We have been down that road.

Saul

What? Some tattooed speed-freak? What you two need is an honest-to-God businessman. Somebody who treats your product like the simple high-margin commodity that it is. Somebody who ships out of town, deals only in bulk. Someone who's been doing this for twenty years and never been caught.

Walter

You know someone like that?

Saul

Let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy... who knows another guy. Let me make some calls, see if I can get you a meeting.

Walter

Well, what's his name?

Saul

I have no idea. He's very low profile. He's careful like that. From what I do hear about him, he sounds a little like you.

Walter

No, no, it cannot be blind luck or some imaginary relative who saves us. No, I earned that money. Me! And now my son created his own website: SaveWalterWhite.com. Soliciting anonymous donations! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?!

Saul

Well, look at that. It's got PayPal and everything.

Walter

Cyber-begging, that's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world.

Saul

[sarcastically] Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there. Walter, I'm looking at the answer right here. It's staring me in the face. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Walter

I know, I know. You're thinking that I should be funneling money into my son's website, but absolutely not. No. I am not going to have my family think that some mystery benefactor saved us!

Saul

Not some mystery benefactor, singular. That would raise too many questions. However—stay with me here... Zombies. [chuckles] I got a guy who knows this guy, who knows this Rain Man type. Right? He lives with his mother in her basement in Belarus, alright? So good luck extraditing his fat Russian ass.

Saul

Wait, wait! He's a hacker-cracker extraordinaire. This guy can hijack random desktops all around the world, turn them into zombies that do his bidding. For instance, he can make it so 20, or 30,000 little donations come in from all over the U.S. and Canada. Ten, 20, 50 bucks a pop, all paid in full—nice and neat, untraceable—from the good-hearted people of the world to Mr. Walter H. White, cancer saint. Heh. I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it.

Walter

God... It's a disaster.

Saul

It is not a disaster. It's not a disaster, alright? She's not going to the cops, she's not telling a living soul. You wanna know why? One word: blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster–for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed! You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil! "My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in!" And the house? Gone! The feds will come in and RICO her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that, noooo. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing. And she knows it.

You're not that lawyer from late-night television, are you?

Saul

[points] "Better Call Saul!" [laughs] I get it all the time!

We're here to discuss the sale of the property at 9809 Margo.

Saul

I get it. [sits down] Flat-fee clients, am I right? [to the Pinkmans] Well, folks, today's your lucky day! I represent a client who shall remain nameless–however, for our purposes, you might just as well visualize a large bag of money. This individual wants to buy your house, today, for cash.

Cash?

Saul

Cash! I know, in this economy? In fact, the money is already burnin' a hole in my client's account. You can ask Mr. Gardiner; I've shown him all the pertinent financials.

It's the only reason we're sitting here.

Saul

...Fair enough. We, uh, get a few papers signed and notarized and we can take care of this right now. [to the Pinkmans] In fact, I could wire you your money this very afternoon! There's just one little hair in the soup, ah... the price.

[beat] We feel 875 is very fair.

But I suppose there's always a little, uh... wiggle room?

Saul

Well, uh... why don't you wiggle us on down to 400, and you got yourselves a deal.

400,000? What is that, a joke?

Saul

No, that's my offer.

That's less than half price!

We put almost that much into the renovations alone.

Why don't you cut the clown act and tell us what you're willing to come up to?

Saul

400,000. That's my final offer.

Well, this was a waste of time.

Ridiculous! You gotta be kidding me! Come on, honey.

How could you possibly imagine that we would entertain this?

Saul

I don't know. I just thought some allowance was in order once I heard about the meth lab. [beat; everyone stops and looks at Saul] The one that used to be in the basement. I looked over your signed disclosure statements, and I don't see any mention of a meth lab. [flips through the documents] Nope... oh, you got your termite inspection! That's good... but no meth lab. Now, some would call that fraud in service of concealing a felony. I, myself, am more open-minded, but... it is tricky. And don't get me wrong: I applaud your cojones! I mean, good try of sneaking a meth-contaminated property past the buyer. I mean... tsk, could have been a good deal for you. Too bad. Now, I could file a suit and encumber this property indefinitely, or I could start some criminal proceedings, but I don't think any of us want that, now do we? How about it, counselor? Do you concur?

Walter

You think this will get me to move out? You can screw Ted, you can screw the butcher, the mailman, whoever you want! Screw all! I'm not going anywhere.

Skyler

Suit yourself.

Saul

Is this a good or bad thing?

Walter

Suit myself... You want me to suit myself?! I'll suit myself to his face!

Saul

It's a bad thing.

Walter

How did you know?

Saul

I'm sorry?

Walter

About Skyler. About where to find me just now. How did you know?

Saul

That's just my meticulousness. Don't bog down in detail, Walt. The lesson here—

Walter

Did you bug my house?

Saul

...Yeah. But I didn't know it was your house, did I? You moved out. Besides, you basically told me to.

Walter

I told you to?

Saul

You strongly hinted that I should. You were worried about your wife, remember? You were concerned that she might say something to the police.

Walter

No, no, that's not true. When the hell did I say that?

Saul

Let's not get lost in the who, whats and whens. The point is we did our due diligence and she didn't talk. She kept quiet, she stood by you, Walt. Which, if you ask me, is the ironical silver lining here. I mean, on the one hand, sure, she snuck off the reservation to get some dirty damp and deep. On the other—

Walter

YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE DONE!

Saul

Good! "Oh boo-hoo, I won't cook meth anymore!" You're a crybaby! Who needs you?! Hey, I'm unplugging the website, so no more money laundering! How do you like that?!

Walter

I want those bugs out of my house today! I want them out now!

Saul

You just bought a $300 suit, psycho!

Saul

Clearly a mistake was made on the part of our mutual associate when he paid you half of Jesse's earnings. He must not have realized that you two had come to a parting of the ways.

Walter

Take it. It belongs to you.

Jesse

You're damn right it belongs to me.

Saul

I knew I could count on you boys to play nice! That's... that almost brings a tear to my eye.

Walter

Enjoy it. Spend it in good health. That is the last money you'll ever earn in this business.

Jesse

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Walter

I hate to break it you, Jesse, but our "mutual associate" was only using you to get to me.

Jesse

What are you talking about?

Walter

You see, he needs someone with expertise. Someone who knows what he's doing. In other words, he needs me.

Jesse

You're telling me you're cooking again?

Walter

Yeah, how should I put this? I'm in...you're out.

Saul

Whoa, Walt, hold on there! What was the offer, if I may ask?

Walter

It's, uh, $3 million for three months of my time.

Saul

You're gonna need that money laundered, right? I mean, of course. What was our deal before? Seventeen percent? That's a shade high. Now let's settle on an even fifteen. That's a nice round number.

Walter

Five percent.

Saul

Fourteen's fair.

Walter

Five.

Saul

Thirteen.

Walter

Five.

Saul

Twelve, for old time's sake. Twelve.

Walter

Five.

Saul

I'm a reasonable guy, it's a short term deal. Ten even, but I can't go any lower and still respect myself. [Walter turns to leave] Five!

Jesse

What in the hell just happened? You're my lawyer, not his!

Saul

It's the way of the world, kid. Go with the winner.

Walter

Listen, we got a problem. A DEA problem.

Saul

Okay, I'm listening.

Walter

It's my brother-in-law. He knows about the RV.

Saul

What RV?

Walter

Our RV. The one which contains a meth lab which is covered with my fingerprints. Ring a bell?

Saul

Okay, what exactly does "knows about" mean? Does he have it? Has he searched it?

Walter

No, he knows it exists and he's trying to find it. He has linked it to Jesse and it's only a matter of time before he tracks it down, so...

Saul

So, get rid of it! What are you sitting there talking to me? Better yet, have Pinkman get rid of it. You don't go near it.

Walter

No, listen, my brother-in-law, he is surveying Jesse's house, do you understand? So he might have tapped his phones or bugged his house.

Saul

Jesus. Plan A, then! Go, get to it before the feds do.

Walter

And do what exactly? I mean, what...the thing–the thing is the size of–of a... It's RV size! I mean, where do I go to make an RV disappear? I'm not David Copperfield!

Saul

What do I look like, the RV disposal people? Did you not plan for this contingency?

Walter

No.

Saul

Well, next time plan for it, would ya? The Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I'm just saying.

Walter

Okay, ah, shut up.

Saul

Humor me here for a second. Now, you know you need to launder your money, right? Do you understand the basics of it: Placement, layering, integration?

Jesse

I ain't buying no damn nail salon, so just forget it.

Saul

You want to stay out of jail, don't ya? I mean, you want to keep your money and your freedom. 'Cause I got three little letters for ya, IRS; if they can get Capone, they can get you. Hey, look. [picks up a nail polish bottle] Here's you, right? Pink—Pinkman, get it? [picks up cotton balls] Here's your cash. You're out on the town, yeah? You're partying hardy, you're knockin' boots with the chicky babes and oh, who's this? [picks up paddle] It's the taxman, and he's looking at you. Now, what does he see? He sees a young fella with a big fancy house, unlimited cash supply and no job. Now what is the conclusion the taxman makes?

Jesse

I'm a drug dealer.

Saul

[buzzer sound] Wrong! Million times worse–you're a tax cheat! What do they do? They take every penny, and you go in the can [tosses nail polish into the trash] for felony tax evasion. Ouch! What was your mistake? You didn't launder your money! Now, you give me your money, okay? That's called placement. Hand me that little thing- bin. [Jesse grabs a jar of Q-Tips and hands it to Saul] This is the nail salon, right? I take your dirty money... [opens the jar and puts the cotton balls in] and I slip it into the salon's nice, clean cash flow. That's called layering. Final step: Integration. The revenues from the salon go to the owner–that's you! [empties the jar onto the armrest] Your filthy drug money has been transformed into nice, clean, taxable income, brought to you by a savvy investment in a thriving business.

Jesse

So you want me to buy this place so I can pay taxes? I'm a criminal, yo.

Saul

Yeah, and if you want to stay a criminal and not become, say, a convict, then maybe you should grow up and listen to your lawyer.

Jesse

Right. So you can get your five percent.

Saul

No, that's seventeen percent.

Jesse

I heard you say five! You said it right in front of me.

Saul

Yeah, that was for your partner. It's privileges of seniority and all. But for you, it's the usual: Seventeen percent, and that's a bargain.

Saul

How come you guys always give away the air freshener, huh? I explicitly say I want no air freshener, and every time I drive away smelling like an alpine whorehouse. All due respect, I don't see...I–I vote no.

Walter

It makes a better story than your laser tag.

Saul

[referring to Skyler] Is that you talking or Yoko Ono?

Walter

She has a point. It makes more sense that I invest right here.

Saul

Based on her years of experience in money laundering, I suppose. Let me tell you something. If you're committed enough, you can make any story work. I once convinced a woman that I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it. Alright, it has nothing to do with the story. Besides, this dump isn't gonna work because it doesn't have a Danny. There's no Danny here.

Walter

What in God's name is a Danny?

Saul

Danny runs the laser tag. Danny is the guy who had a vision. Where others saw a dirt lot, he saw...black lights, rubber aliens, teenagers running around with ray guns. Right? It was like Bugsy Siegel in the desert. And when the stock market took a shit, and Danny got into trouble, he went searching for exactly the type of situation that we're offering. Danny will look the other way to keep his dream afloat. In other words, Danny can be trusted completely! [points at Bogdan] That guy–the guy with the eyebrows that won't quit–is he a Danny? You buy this place, all you got is a big building that squirts water. You got no Danny here.