Badger quotes from Breaking Bad

Jesse

Yo, why would you want this lame-ass job anyway? I mean, no offense.

Badger

Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. [smokes a joint]

Jesse

The game has changed, yo. This is our city, alright? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. Yo, we sell when we want, where we want. We're gonna be kings, understand? Well, I'm gonna be king and you guys will be, like, princes or dukes or something.

Badger

I wanna be a knight.

Jesse

But first things first: We gotta get more dealers, y'know, foot soldiers, alright? Now they'll be working for you, you're working for me, and I'm working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. That's success, with a capital S.

Skinny Pete

Straight up, straight up.

Fo' shizzle.

Badger

Friggin' awesome.

Jesse

Well, we're set. Boys are ready. Gonna make some mad cheddar, yo. [pause; Walter looks at Jesse] Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks. Dead Presidents. Cash money. We're gonna own this city.

Walter

We're not charging enough.

Jesse

What?

Walter

Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics.

Badger

You told me to my face you weren't a cop, man. I feel manipulated. I thought we were gonna hang out.

We are hanging out, Badger. You like Badger or Brandon?

Badger

I like people who don't, like, abuse the Constitution.

Badger, listen. I'm trying to help you here, man. If you just tell me who your supplier is, I think this can end very well for you.

Saul

[buzzer sound] What're you doin', detective? What're you doing, talking to my client without me present? You sneaky Pete! [looks at Getz] Heh, which is which? What, did the–did the academy hire you right out of the womb? You guys get younger every... [to Badger] What'd you say to Baby Face, huh? Did you say anything stupid? By anything stupid, I mean anything at all.

Badger

I–

Saul

Oh, look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter... We'll talk about it later. [to Getz] Right now, you. Out. Ten minutes ago. Go on. There are laws, detective. Have your kindergarten teacher read them to you, alright? Go grab a juice box, have a nap, go on. [Getz leaves] Alright, who do we have?

Badger

Brandon Mayhew.

Saul

[looking through his files] Brandon Mayhew... Alright, Brandon Mayhew... Ah, here we go. Public masturbation.

Badger

What?

Saul

I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flatscreen TV, fifty channels of pay-per-view? [looks back at the file] In a Starbucks! That's nice, heh-heh.

Badger

That ain't me, man! I'm–I was the guy who was selling meth... allegedly.

Saul

[looks through his files again] Okay, alright, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little Wite-Out can't take care of. Yeah, and uh... felony quantity.

Badger

Just barely.

Saul

Yeah, just barely. The cops around here are like butchers—always got their thumbs on the scales, y'know—but good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks: I'm gonna get you a second phone call, okay? You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4,650. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. [writes the amount down] Four-six-five-zero. Okay? And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter—Actually, I want it in a money order... and make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. And after that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely not American Express, so don't even ask. Alright? Any questions?

Badger

Uh... you're gonna get me off, right?

Saul

What do I look like, your high school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? [pause; Badger stares at him] That's a joke, Brandon! Lighten up! [in low voice] Son, I promise you this: I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy.

Badger

That is awesome, Jesse! I feel like somebody took my brain out and boiled it in, like, boiling hot, like... like, anthrax.

Jesse

[laughs] Good. So, um you ready to talk some business?

Skinny Pete

You mean, this is not, like, just recreational?

Jesse

I know what you're thinking. Trust me. It's not going to be like it was, alright? Never gonna be like it was.

Skinny Pete

How's that?

Jesse

We sell it safe. Alright? We sell it smart. We don't get greedy, like before.

Skinny Pete

I don't know, man. Combo and all.

Skinny Pete

Had a good thing going before we started pushing our luck. If it can go back to being like that and all—

Jesse

Hey, it will be. Step 1—we build inventory. Badger, go see Clovis. Get the RV in shape–tune up, oil change, brake lights, and whatnot. Cops always pull you over for brake lights. Not us. Cautious.

Jesse

What's the point of being an outlaw when you got responsibilities?

Badger

Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star.

Skinny Pete

True that. Two of them bitches.

Jesse

Alright, just wanted to give you a heads up, it's gonna get a little slower smuggling product with Grandpa Anus watching every move I make. Don't worry, I'll keep it flowing.

Skinny Pete

Right on.

Badger

Yeah.

Jesse

So how's it selling? Mad volume?

Badger

Yeah, it's, uh... y'know, it's, uh... It's not so good.

Jesse

What do you mean? How much have you sold?

Badger

I sold a teenth.

Jesse

One teenth? That's it? To who?

Badger

[motions to Skinny Pete] To him. It's not easy selling to these people. They're trying to better themselves.

Skinny Pete

Yeah. There's, like, positivity and stuff goin' on here.

Jesse

I'm out risking my ass to get product for you two, and you're too pussy to sell? You're pathetic. You know what? I want it back. All of it. I'll sell it myself.

Badger

Come on, man. Don't be like that. Selling to these people, it's like shooting a baby in the face. It's not natural.

Skinny Pete

Left 4 Dead, yo. The way them bitches get all cranial when you cap 'em in the head, it's like BOOYAH!

Badger

No, no, no, man. Resident Evil 4 takes it by a long shot.

Skinny Pete

Oh please, brotha, you're frontin'.

Badger

No, man, seriously, that chick? The one you gotta rescue? She's smoking, bro. And then you're like the last undead dude on Earth, so how can you not be dipping into that? Talk about inspiring a brother to kick some zombie ass!

Skinny Pete

They're trying to eat your brain, bro. A dude don't need no more motivation.

Badger

That's a fair point, I guess. Okay, okay, okay, Call of Duty: World at War zombie mode. Now that's the bomb, man. Think on it, bro. They're not just zombies: They're Nazi zombies.

Skinny Pete

Nazi zombies...

Badger

Yeah, man! SS Waffen troopers, too, which are like the baddest-ass Nazis of the whole Nazi family!

Skinny Pete

Zombies are dead, man! What difference does it make what their job was when they was living?

Badger

Dude, you are so historically retarded! Nazi zombies don't wanna eat ya just 'cause they're craving the protein. They do it 'cause–they do it 'cause–they hate Americans, man. Talibans. They're the Talibans of the zombie world.

Skinny Pete

I played the game, bro. They ain't exactly fleet of foot. I'm saying, where's the challenge? At least the zombies in Left 4 Dead clock a respectable 40! You gotta lead 'em and shit!

Badger

Dude, that's 'cause they're not even zombies! They're just infected! They got like this rage virus. Amps 'em up like they've been smoking the schwag! Apples and oranges, bro. Totally unfair to compare the two.

Jesse

Oh, seriously? Where are you two going?

Badger

Jesse, I've been awake for like three straight days. Turning into a Sleestak.

Jesse

So crash here. It's not like I ain't got the space.

Badger

Yeah, that's cool and all, but I think I got, like, this cat? Think I'm, like, supposed to feed it.

Badger

Dude, you are tripping! I'm not dead! I'm on the Starship Enterprise macking on Yeoman Rand while the Andorian with the disrupter's back on Talos IV or whatever.

Skinny Pete

What do you think all those sparkles and shit are? Transporters are breaking you apart right down to your molecules and bones. They're makin' a copy. That dude who comes out on the other side? He's not you. He's a color Xerox.

Badger

So you're telling me every time Kirk went into the transport he was killing himself? So over the whole series, there was, like, 147 Kirks?

Skinny Pete

At least! Dude, yo, why do you think McCoy never likes to beam nowhere?! 'Cause he's a doctor, bitch! Look it up, it's science!

Badger

Ever tell you about my Star Trek script?

Skinny Pete

Star Trek script?

Badger

Yeah! I gotta write it down is all. The Enterprise is five parsecs out of Rigel XII. Nothing's going on, Neutral Zone is quiet, the crew is bored, so they put on a pie-eating contest. The whole crew's in the galley. They're eating tulaberry pies–

Skinny Pete

Tulaberry?

Badger

Tulaberries. From Gamma Quadrant, yo.

Skinny Pete

That's Voyager, dude!

Badger

Okay, blueberries, then! They're eating blueberry pies...

Skinny Pete

Better.

Badger

...as fast as the replicator can churn 'em out. [imitates replicator noise] Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Finally, it's down to just three: Kirk, Spock, and Chekov. Okay, Spock always wins these things.

Skinny Pete

How is Spock gonna beat Kirk, yo? Spock's like a toothbrush! Look at Kirk! He's got room to spare!

Badger

Spock has total Vulcan control over his digestion! You wanna hear this or not?

Skinny Pete

Yeah, yeah, go.

Badger

Okay, finally–Kirk, he can't take it anymore. He yorks. Now it's just down to Chekov and Spock. But Chekov, y'see, he's got a whole fat stack of quatloos riding on this. And he has figured out a way to win. He's got Scotty back in the transporter room locked in on Chekov's stomach. Every time Chekov eats a pie, Scotty beams it right out of him.

Skinny Pete

Where is he sending them, the toilet?

Badger

Space.

Skinny Pete

Uugghh!

Badger

There's blueberries just floating out there frozen–because it's in space–and Chekov is just shoveling them into his mouth, and–and Spock is like, "I can't believe this Russian is defeating me!" Meanwhile, Scotty's in the transporter room fiddling with levers when Lieutenant Uhura comes in and she's got, y'know, her big pointies, and Scotty's fingers are all sweaty.

Skinny Pete

No!

Badger

Chekov screams, he sprays blood out of his mouth...

Skinny Pete

Ohhhh!

Badger

...Scotty beamed his guts into space!

Skinny Pete

No way!

Badger

You know, I don't exactly know how to feel about all this.

Skinny Pete

For real, yo. The whole thing felt kinda shady, you know, like, morality-wise.

Badger

Totally.

Walter

How do you feel now?

Skinny Pete

Better.

Badger

Yeah, definitely improving.

Walter

What's this I hear about blue meth still being out there?

Skinny Pete

What do you mean?

Walter

You heard anything? Is it still being sold?

Badger

Yeah.

Walter

By whom?

Badger

It's you, right? I mean... aren't you still cooking?

Skinny Pete

Damn, man! We were sure it was you, 'cause that shit is choice, yo! Better than ever! I mean, um, you know...

Walter

...Jesse.