Eddie quotes from Bottom

I've got just got to finish off my Sprouts Mexicane and we're all set.

Sprouts Mexicane?

(Proudly) Sproutes Mexicane!

What's that?

Well it's... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tobasco sauce - well, three bottles actually. Not so much a hint, more a Party Political Broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gunpowder!

...Sprouts?

Yeah, they were left over from Christmas.

But it's October!

Yeah, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover any embarrassment.

Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?

I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.

Oh, hark at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!

I'm gonna get me some liposuction!

(who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!

Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!

Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Des's hammer-head!

You've been drinking, haven't you?

HOW DARE YOU!? [He struggles to his feet] How.. How... How dare you accuse me of drinkn-n-n-ninge?! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the television, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkn-n-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]

No, but you have though, haven't you?

Yeah.

Now that is Welsh money.

They don't have any Welsh money!

Spudgun

No wonder they all vote Labour.

Those are the Queen's jugs.

What?

They're the Queen's jugs.

Eddie! A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not! She'd save 'em up for the fifty!

Well, if you care to have a look at my fifty, you may find it a mite more risqué.

That's disgusting!

Yeah, I know!

Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money?! Especially when you see what the Duke of Edinburgh's up to on the back of a tenner! (glances at the note) Who's that with him?

Meryl Streep.

(reacts pervertedly) Hang on, she's got three knockers!

No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.

Dick Head

So, Eddie...

Uh-uh, my name is... Deirdre Barlow.

Spudgun

So's mine

Mine too.

(pointing to Richie) And his.

Dick Head

Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.

Should we send him some flowers?

Dick Head

No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.

Is that bad?

And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...

Dick Head

Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen.

I think I'd better go to the lavvy.

Me too.

Spudgun

And me!

I've just been.

Eddie

Yeah?

How do you actually drive a car?

Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine fires up...

Uh-huh.

...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!

Well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...

Hey, look, Richie! Special offer!

Look! It's Ted Rogers in a dress!

Yeah, don't try that old "Hey, look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress" routine on me, Buster! Come on over here and get some good old-fashioned British violence!

But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress! With a big seven-foot Neanderthal figure.

That's not Ted Rogers! That's that bird from the abbatoir, that's getting married to "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones.

Yeah.

"Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones?!

(from off-screen) That's right, you ignorant English wankers!

You dropped it!

Yeah, well i was being run over by the riot squad!

Well, two wrongs dont make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could have been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!

She's married.

I know. To the wrong bloke!

Still, at least we got the duck.

The duck?

Yeah, it's made out of plastic!

Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?

It floats in the bath. [Puts duck in Richie's face] Hello!

Why?

It's hollow!

[exasperated] Why the duck?!

It came free with the telly.

Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!

Well, then it would sink in the bath!

We've been burgled!

Well you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched... OH! Oh, burgled!

That's it. I'm going to write to my MP!

(confused) Why?!

Because... I love her!

(emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!

She's not, she's not!

She is, she is!

(wailing) She's not, she's not!

QUIET! Spectacles!

Spectacles back on! [Eddie puts his glasses back on] Now calm down about Tony Blair.

Hello? Put me through to the Prime Minister! ...Because I want to blackmail him! ...It's Richard Richard. Oh shit! [hangs up] I accidentally gave my name away! You'll have to do it Eddie. Use an assumed name.

Hello? I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister...Uh...Richard Richard.

You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool!

Oh, shit!

[laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]

You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.

LOOK SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.

Fucking Hell! A line from the play!

Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.