A character in Bottom
Richie
Bottom · 180 quotes
Most-quoted character in Bottom: in 151 of its 180 quotes
Most scenes with: Eddie (124), Spudgun (6), Hedgehog (4)
[Richie has been knocked back by a lesbian]
I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".
[Richie is going through his birthday cards, which he has written himself]
Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?
[Richie has returned from hospital]
I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!
This is just my London pomme de terre. My main castles are scattered all over the place, you know, ‘cause I never know where I’m going to be… these bloody fox hunts go on for ever these days, don’t you find? Never know where you’re going to end up. Start off in “Berkshire”, end up in, ah, eh eh, Twat—shire!
[Richie is telling Eddie how he's going to cook the chicken]
Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt.
(Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember... erm...
Now can we just get our equipment out. I mean, I mean get our tackle out. I mean, get our gear... oh God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!
[Richie attempts to lull Eddie to sleep]
Night-Night, Sleep Tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Put it in a Cornish Stew. Into the ambulance, dring-dring-dring! Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee; Diddle-diddle-dee. Daddy's an accountant just like me. Night-Night, God Bless.
Don't touch my brick while I'm gone... I said "brick"! Not "penis"!
[After an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richie has, apparently, lost his penis.]
Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!
[Having told Eddie he intends to commit suicide, to Eddie's delighted response]
Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!
[Richie slams the prop door. It opens by itself. The audience laugh. He tries it again. It opens again. A couple of audience members cheer, causing Richie to whisper "Fuck off!" to the audience]
(breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! CLOSE!
[Slams the door. It stays shut.]
(Richie taunts an apparently unconscious Eddie)
Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!
Wait, there's something written on the side. [reads] "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bombe". Shit, it's all in French.
You stupid fucking ring-sausage!
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