A character in Bottom
Eddie
Bottom · 180 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Bottom: in 147 of its 180 quotes
Most scenes with: Richie (124), Spudgun (9), Hedgehog (6)
Now, Eddie. Crackers?
Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
No, I mean have you got the crackers?
No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table!
Half past eight and aaalllsss crap!
Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen! Here's a can of spray snow, you make everything look Christmassy. I'll go and scrub my sprouts.
I thought you were gonna do some cooking?
Oh, what's that smell?
That's lunch.
Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.
(When a baby is left on the doorstep.)
Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas!
What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me.
I think his nappy needs changing.
What?
Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.
Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!
But we are not worthy, oh holy one.
Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.
Right, oh one... what he said.
What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!
Merry Christmas everyone.
Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]
What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.
What woman?
Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!
[Sitting around a campfire, they have no food left.]
What was that film where they ate each other?
Deep Throat, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. (beat) That was great!
[Sitting around acampfire, wondering where to get food]
Hang on... this is Wimbledon Common isn't it?
Yes.
Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.
Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you that they were just puppets?
Yes, it would.
Good. EDDIE, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS!
I think there's something outside.
Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?
Well yes, I can see your point.
It's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily.
Hey, Richie! You know that Stork Margarine competition we entered?
Yeah!
We didn't win it.
What?! Well, who did?
Slip Digby.
Slip Digby? The organist?
That's not what they called him in court.
What was the winning caption?
"I like Stork Margarine because I've only got one leg".
(pause) Not bad
Clever, clever bastard.
[A ferris wheel cart starts to collapse]
Splice my sausages!
Cor Lummy!
Christmas Pudding!
Blood and Stomach Pills!
... hey Eddie!
What?
We really know how to swear, don't we?
Eddie [Swearwords bleeped on TV]: You (bleep) well hit the (bleep) right on the nail there, you (bleep) bastard.
Eddie, how do I look?
Well, you use your eyes, don't you?
[Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]
Trick or treat, mister!
What do you want!
Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
I'm sorry. I don't speak child.
Trick or Treat?
What does that mean?
It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
Why?
Because it's the end of October!
I don't understand.
Look! We haven't got all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.
Are you on drugs? Can I have some?
Dear, oh dear.
We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?
(holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
Right. Give it to me.
I beg your pardon?
I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
Righto.
[Eddie charges up the cattle prod and zaps Richie, causing him to defecate in his pants]
Bear with me.
That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bottom pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
