Eddie quotes from Bottom

Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?

Yes!

Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.

Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?

Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!

So let's talk bollocks!

BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!

So let's do what we always do!

Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?

Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.

[Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?

[Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!

Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?

That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!

[towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!

That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.

Eddie, I bring good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.

So, what's it to be for breakfast this morning, me old buster?

No, you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!

Righto!

[about the semtex] Where on Earth did you get it?

Car Boot sale. Got it off these two blokes Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence. And their friend was there Pat O'Cake.

Pat O'Cake?

Shut the fuck up!

Pat O'Cake?

Pat O'Cake.

Baker's man?

That's the one! God, I love that gag.

What a sad, lonely life you must lead.

I'm afraid it is, yes.

Right, on with the plot, Eddie.

There's a plot?!

Yes!

Oh, fuck!

I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of Richie forgetting most of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!

You fired six you big fat bastard!

That's right!

But I fucking RELOADED!

(calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a smidgen, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid-- [Richie unwinds the electric cable and quickly realizes that it was horribly tangled] Who fucked up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the fucking television as well!

Right, that's it. I'm getting me beret and dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.

No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!

The Queen?

Yes, and stand up when you say that.

[stands up] The Queen?

Yes, and kneel down when you say that.

[kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so fucking unpopular.

I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!

[returns through the window] We've what?

Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.

Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.

Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!

Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?

Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!

The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?

Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!

A-ha! [hangs up the phone]

Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?

One pound.

ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?

Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)

One pound?

...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.

So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?

That's correct, yes. Well done.

Well, it's a result Eddie!

Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!

What were the charges again?

Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... wiggling our todgers at the Queen.

So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!

I can't, I dunno what it means.

Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War.

What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful.

Alright then he was in the crap war!

Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?

Both.

Wow!

Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!

Did he?

Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans

Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?

Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.

That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but... what the fuck's it got to do with anything?

It's gas!

Yes, I know it's gas. I'm not a complete tosser.

Yes, you are.

Well, I am a complete tosser, yes, but what d'you mean?

C'mon let's stage a mock trial.

Oh, right you are.

Call Richard Richard!

What shall I call him?

Don't fuck about.

DON'T FUCK ABOUT!

What is it they say in downtown south central L.A?

"Help! Help! I'm being raped, mugged and murdered!"

Welcome to sophisticated Oxford. (mimes masturbating and puts on an Oxford accent) "Have a wank, professor!" "May as well: the only other thing to do is catch a (bleep) BUS!" (huge applause)

Are you finished now? Just I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry (bleep) off. (Richie laughs and there's a huge applause from the audience. Richie kneels to bow to Eddie.)

Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?

I beg your pardon?

God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?

What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!

No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!

WHEN? When was this?

Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!

(Deliberately) I beg your pardon!

There you go again!

No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.

Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.

Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)

Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.

Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

They disappeared.

Yeah, cos you threw them into the fucking audience!

Hey, they reappeared.

Yeah, they fucking threw them back!

We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.

Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.

[astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!

Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

There is that.

I see your point.

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Why? Have my trousers fallen down?... Help! Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!

Quickly! Change routine! Change routine!