Spudgun quotes from Bottom

Spudgun

What did medieval people do before telly?

Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?

No, before telly was invented.

Oh, they had cock-fights.

Spudgun

No wonder they all got the plague.

What was your name again?

Spudgun

Spudgun.

Spudgun? Why do they call you Spudgun?

Spudgun

Give me a potato and I'll show you why.

No Richie, you don't want to see that.

Well, why do they call you hedgehog?

Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

Spudgun

Oh, what's that smell?

That's lunch.

Spudgun

Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.

Spudgun

Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas!

What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me.

Spudgun

I think his nappy needs changing.

What?

Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.

Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!

Spudgun

But we are not worthy, oh holy one.

Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.

Right, oh one... what he said.

What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!

Spudgun

Merry Christmas everyone.

Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]

What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.

What woman?

Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!

Trick or Treat?

Spudgun

What does that mean?

It means you give us some cash. No sweets.

Spudgun

Why?

Because it's the end of October!

Spudgun

I don't understand.

Look! We haven't got all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.

Spudgun

Are you on drugs? Can I have some?

Dear, oh dear.

We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?

(holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!

Right. Give it to me.

I beg your pardon?

I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"

Righto.

Bear with me.

That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!

Now that is Welsh money.

They don't have any Welsh money!

Spudgun

No wonder they all vote Labour.

Dick Head

So, Eddie...

Uh-uh, my name is... Deirdre Barlow.

Spudgun

So's mine

Mine too.

(pointing to Richie) And his.

Dick Head

Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.

Should we send him some flowers?

Dick Head

No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.

Is that bad?

And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...

Dick Head

Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen.

I think I'd better go to the lavvy.

Me too.

Spudgun

And me!

I've just been.