A character in Bottom
Eddie
Bottom · 180 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Bottom: in 147 of its 180 quotes
Most scenes with: Richie (124), Spudgun (9), Hedgehog (6)
[Writing a personal ad about himself.]
Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck... yeah, hot young buck.
What about badger?
No, no, I'm more a sort of...
HEDGEHOG!
No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!
What about Stoat!
Foxy Stoat? Yeah. It’s got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...
Pig!
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! (gasps) SHUT UP, EDDIE!
Minky, musky, sly ole foxy stoaty stoat..
What on EARTH are you eating?
Lard.
You are eating... lard?
Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
I've just had a fantastic idea.
[Drinks the rest of his pint beer.]
Well?
What?
What's the fantastic idea?
To drink that! I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."
[Richie goes to answer the door.]
Alright, I'm coming! Alright, alright! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? (Opens the door and slightly strikes the Gasman) Right, that's enough of that! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan! Cripes! It's the gasman!
Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter.
HELLO MISTER GASMAN!
Yes, hello.
[Poking his head out into the landing] You what?
HELLO MISTER GASMAN!! [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]
Yes, hello again. I wonder if could just read.....
Mister who?
GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!
[Eddie runs and turns off the gas. Richie is still repeatedly shouting Gasman when Eddie appears at the door]
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ YOUR METER!
[Eddie by this time is now at the front door]
Who is it, darling?
IT'S THE GASMAN!
Yes I think we've established that.
Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.
[Richie and Eddie have just beaten the gasman into unconsciousness]
You're not going anywhere, mate. ....mate? Eddie! You've killed him!
[*drops frying pan*] I never touched him.
Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time.
Bollocks, you killed him, he was dead before he hit the ground!
Then why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!
For fun!
Oh God! What are we going to do?!
About 25 years, I think.
[Richie and Eddie are trying to break into next door's flat. Eddie climbs across the outside wall to the bedroom window where he sees them having sex]
Bloody Nora!
Shut up!
They're having it off!
I'll be right over!
(Handing out tea) Here we are then. Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm.
(laughing) Cheers!' This is the best tea in London. (Drinks some and retches) Mmmm, lovely. Well, come on, Eddie, you're not drinking yours.
No, I'm watching you enjoy yours.
Well, come, on, do your fair share, you bastard! (to the Gasman) And you!
So, we've only got eleven pounds eighty to last us for the next two months?
No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade".
What?
It's an investment. Look, I got it for one pound fifty and originally it only cost a shilling. The value of these things is just sky-rocketing!
That's pre-decimalisation that is! They all have their pants on.
[Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]
What's this?
Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"
Do you know how many birds there are in the world?
Yeah, about three billion.
Do you know how many of them I've slept with?
Yep.
None.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.
I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?
Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.
[Richie has sheltered himself from any "accidents"]
Well I can't go, everyone will think that I'm Sean Connery.
You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.
Eddie [as Michael Caine]: Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that.
I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.
[still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.
[Eddie has dressed up as the Grim Reaper to scare Richie]
Why don't we play Cluedo for my life?
Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!
How do you know these things?
I'm Death!
Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?
No, I'm Death! I'm Death!
Ok, I Spy it is. Oh God, this is important. Better make it a goodie... Ok, coming, ready or not. I Spy with my little eye something beginning with "S".
"Submarine".
No! Ha ha! It was "Scythe". Ha! Ha! Oh, I win, I get to live! Thank you Baby Jesus! Thank you all the Baby Jesuses!
Hang on, hang on, hang on! "Scythe" doesn't begin with an "S".
Yes, it does!
It bloody doesn't, it's a "C"!
It's not!
It is! Get a dictionary!
Alright, I've got one here. Here... [Flicking through the pages] Scythe, scythe, scythe. There you are, "Scythe". "S-C-Y-T-H-E".
That's "Sither".
It's "Scythe", it says "Scythe" there! It's in the dictionary! Jesus wrote this!
Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours.
It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?
[Richie and Eddie are watching a rented video]
It's not very sexy, is it?
No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
"Big Jugs"
[excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bottom pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
