Eddie quotes from Bottom

Have me! Have me, I'm a love albatross!

Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!

Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.

"Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." (Fighting back tears) Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy. And now he's gone and done himself in! [Plays some keys on Richie's electric organ] Well, this ought to fetch a few quid.

Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!

Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip-jack jockstrap piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!

All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.

(to barman) I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.

That's right, me old cockaleeky-mate-flap-sparrow-Cockney-rhyming-bollocks!

Oh, look! Knackers!

I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you.

Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.

Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...

Ooh fuckin' hell!

That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?

Can I help you, sir?

This is a sex shop, isn't it?

Yes.

(slaps money down) I'll have five quids worth then!

Very droll, sir, I haven’t heard that one before.

Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?

No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.

You've been working here too long mate.

Oh, nadgers. What kind do you want?

Rubber ones.

Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's tickler, and there's ultrasensitive.

Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?

Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What colour?

What have they got?

There's black, gold, Union Jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?

Well Union Jack, obviously!

Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What flavour?

Flavour?!

Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.

Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?

Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.

No no, get two.

Wild man!