Eddie quotes from Bottom

I'm Church of England. What are you, Eddie?

I don't know.

Well, what was your mother?

A wrestler.

What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

Yeah. What's so great about it?

Well it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop.

Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?

It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.

(examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.

What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?

You squirted that into your cheese roll.

But I ate that!

(grinning) Yeah, I know.

Well why didn't you tell me?

Because I don't like you very much.

So what was your Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks?!

Dances With The Wind.

That'll be the curry again.

Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.

Ah! What's that?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!

Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.

It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.

Read it.

"Madame Swish, 3:30." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Oh, I wonder what she's like?

She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.

Really?

Yeah, she'll come first.

What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Um, not exactly. I need a tenner.

A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?

Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.

How many ways are there?

Well you'll come first, second or third?

Third? How many people are gonna be there?

Well, a few thousand.

What!

It's at Kempton.

Kempton?! I can't get all the way down to Kempton by 3:30!

You won't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly.

They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?

Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?

A horse?! Madame Swish is, is a horse!

Yeah! What did you think it was?

Oh nothing. Just checking.

I have given you a red-hot tip.

I know and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!

Spudgun

What did medieval people do before telly?

Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?

No, before telly was invented.

Oh, they had cock-fights.

Spudgun

No wonder they all got the plague.

What was your name again?

Spudgun

Spudgun.

Spudgun? Why do they call you Spudgun?

Spudgun

Give me a potato and I'll show you why.

No Richie, you don't want to see that.

Well, why do they call you hedgehog?

Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

That's him, that's the one! BASTARD! I hate 'im!

[looking around] Who?

[pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!

Is that his own money?

No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!

What was it Shakespeare used to say?

Err...‏ “Hello my dear, I’m a playwright you know. Go on, give us a snog.”

No, no…

Uh, “Where’s my quill! Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?”

No, really, what was it he used to say?

“What do you mean, it’s crap! There’s eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his Mum!”

Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?

Oh, that’ll be me.

Any relation?

[puzzled] Well, I’ve got a mother.

No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.

Yes, that’s her!

Right, well, ah, let’s have a look at your forms then, shall we? All right. Oh, I see – you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with… and a whazzo pair of jugs?

That’s right.

But obviously we’re flexible.

Ah, but not about the jugs.

No, we have to be firm on the jugs.

And the jugs have to be very firm.

(pointing to the television) Can you see alright?

(confused) No, that’s why I wear glasses.

I have excellent eyesight. Which is remarkable when you think about it.

I really think this is the one, Eddie. Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension.

What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense?

Oh, shut up Eddie.

Lady Natasha Sarah Jane Wellesley

Oh, she sounds ni—

(continuing) Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, Third Vicountess of Maldavia

Sounds great, we’ll have half a dozen!