[to Brennan] I don't wanna hear any anthropological crap. I just want to know how my best friend is doing.
S8 E2The Gunk in the Garage
Marriage is about working through the tough times.
More often, marriage is about divorce, which is why Bartlett could afford three homes and a plane.
[Saroyan enters the Ookey Room for a update from Dr. Hodgins.]
You found something, Dr. Hodgins?
Ho-ho, yeah! I did a microscopic analysis of the victim's stomach contents. Did you have any suspicions about what I might find?
I knew it was meat, but there were so many additives-
-Delicious additives: curry paste, sea salt, red pepper, red poblano chili
I got the "Poblano Chili", where is this leading, 'cause you seem very excited?-
-Capers and tarragon; which I would never think to combine-
-Dr. Hodgins, this is not "Top Chef".
Well it-it sorta is, because, what we have here... is an expertly-prepared burger.
And this has meaning, why?
Because who-ever made it was masking the meat, which came from Rattus norvegicus.
Excuse me?
Yeah! Richard Bartlett's last meal... was a rat burger.
Yeah...
[FBI Interrogation Room, Dr. Sweets is interrogating Chef Paulo Romano, who served the victim ratburgers.]
RRomano
I got nothing to say without my lawyer present.
Mmm, mmm, well legal representation is your constitutional right, but, I'm telling you, the minute a lawyer gets here, I can't help you.
RRomano
Ha, ha. You say that, but you don't mean that––
...you served your divorce lawyer... a rat burger.
RRomano
Says you.
The ingredients, aside from the rat, forensically matched your kitchen.
RRomano
(Plays along, amused) What ingredients?
"What ingredients?" (Starts pulling out evidence from a box, identifying each one.) Curry paste. Corsican Sea Salt. Red Peppers. A fairly rare Russian Tarragon. Majorcan Capers. Red Poblano Chillies. Oh, this is the pan you used.
RRomano
All you're doing is convincing me I need a lawyer.
You prepared the rat. You didn't just dice it up and toss it into the pan. You treated it like a fine fillet. You really hated Richard Bartlett.
RRomano
Now that's a fact.
He was your divorce lawyer, wha––? You won!
RRomano
At first, I thought he was my savior... Then I got his bill. That bastard charged me so much, I would have been better off giving half to my wife.
So, you served him the burger as revenge.
RRomano
Every Tuesday night. For two years. With a year and a half to go.
Excuse me?
RRomano
He was gonna eat rat for as long as I was married. Three and one-half years. For poetical reasons.
He figured it out, somehow, called you to his office, threatened to sue you, take away your restaurant, and you killed him...?
RRomano
Ok, now your just being insulting.
Because I'm accusing you of murder?
RRomano
'Cause you're insulting my cooking! He loved that burger. You can check my emails. All Bartlett does is rave about that burger. Why would I kill him? Now, I never get the satisfaction of seeing that bastard's face, when he finds out that he had Rat, every Tuesday night.
I love you and I'm willing to do irrational things to prove it.
S8 E3The Gunk in the Garage
I'm a psychologist, a profiler.
OSAgent Olivia Sparling
You've got to be kidding. I'm working with a shrink.
I'm more than just a shrink ok? The Bureau gave me a gun. [lifts his blazer to reveal a gun] I should take the lead on questioning people. It's kinda my thing.
SSparling
Just don't shoot me.
You're gonna have to justify your department's expenses at the quarterly budget review.
Me? No not me. I work in the field.
That's why you are doing it. Big burly agent like you will intimidate those pencilnecks. I'd wave your gun around a little too if I were you.
There's gotta be someone else here.
No, sorry cherie, but there is no one burlier and cuter than you.
Stop.
[...]
You just go through all the supplies we used last quarter, cost, manpower, techs and such, then estimate the cost for the coming quarter.
Supplies?
Kevlar vests, ammo, toner for the printers.
Toner?
The government doesn't function without toner, cherie.
If I get this promotion I wouldn't be in the field as much. But hey, that could be a good thing.
But you'd be behind a desk. You'd hate that.
But I would get a raise and I will love that.
A desk job? It's like caging an animal. You're meant to run free, Booth.
Sparling doesn't seem to trust how I as a psychologist perform my job.
She thinks you're an idiot?
I wouldn't say that but in layman's terms...yes.
Look, you're the psychologist. Point your little shrinky brain at her and pull the trigger.
[Booth hung up on him] Hello? Yeah? [explaining to Sparling] He usually hangs up without saying goodbye. It's our thing. It's 'cause we're close.
You said there was a casualty. Who was it?
Sweets. He'll be fine.
Sweets. That boy's got the goods. But you better not tell him I said that.
[smiles] No problem. As far as the world is concerned, you're a horrible person.
I'm sorry you're not getting the promotion.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, for lying to me, thank you. I mean, I know it's a white lie, but I mean look at you, being all sweet and lying to me.
I didn't want you to get the promotion?
Why? Because I'm a man of action and not someone who's going to rot behind a desk?
No, because who else will take me out into the field?
That's a good point, Bones.
But truthfully, I am sorry that you're disappointed.
I'm not disappointed.
[smiles] Because you're a man of action who would rot behind a desk?
That's right! A man of action!
Can I start buying you things now?
No, you can't, but I'll tell you what: you can buy Christine stuff.
I know you'd like a new grill.
Christine would love a new grill. She would love it.
Baby girls need new grills.
Baby girls, and a new tool set! [motions to the food] And what is this?
It's quinoa.
Quinoa?
Quinoa.
And what is that?
It's a grain. It's a lot of protein --
When I get the new grill we can grill steaks!
S8 E4The Tiger in the Tale
Dr. Saroyan, have you seen the excrement that I left on my desk?
What kind of lunatic wants a wild animal as a pet?
CCam
I think "lunatic" pretty much describes who we're talking about.
I could call in an anonymous tip like "I hear roaring at night."
I was thinking more along the lines of looking at satellite photos on the internet and seeing if any of the farms shout "tiger."
CCam
That is brilliant.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.