You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The reason I have called this house meeting is because—
Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.
All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—
Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. *sips beer* Proposal denied.
BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.
What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.
Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.
I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.
Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.
BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]
LLemur
Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]
Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]
Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.
The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.
America needs to know that I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay? And since I'm sexy right now, they like me.
RSA Ryan Seacrest Type
Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing?
Are you kidding? I'm Sarah-freaking-Lynn. I'm gonna be sexy forever!
Zoë: My pumpkin's throwing up because Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway to casual racism.
[sing-song] Todd bless these scrambled eggs, eggs from the fridge, sunny side them and guide them—
BSBoJack's Voice
"Todd! Stop singing your dumb scrambled egg song!"
Who said that?
BSBoJack's Voice
"If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. You're hearing my voice in your head because that's how reading works."
Oh, yeah.
BSBoJack's Voice
"As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone for the day, and frankly I already regret that decision. Here's what you need to do: nothing. Don't touch my stuff and don't make a mess. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow and until then: DON'T. DO. ANYTHING."
[Todd stays still for a long pause; he then sneezes himself with egg all over]
Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.
[claps slowly] Well, you pulled it off, ya deviant. Get it? D-viant?
I got it.
Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!
No! [beat] How'd you figure out it was me?
Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D"!
Stop leaving voicemails!
Admit it! You like my girlfriend!
Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.
I'll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.
Well, I have to talk to her, 'cause she's writing my book.
Okay. But just don't pursue her romantically? [BoJack exchange hands]
Deal.
Ha! I knew I'd get that handshake!
I regret this already.
You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back! Because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!
Ohh... Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?
Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.
Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?! I need a drink.
No! No more drinking! You've been out of control. [cutaway to BoJack hanging out with an old man at night]
Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos!
That is not John Stamos! [next scene shows both of them by morning]
Hey, Princess Carolyn! John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.
That is not your ear! [next scene shows BoJack all by himself, upset]
Princess Carolyn... John Stamos died! [on his knees, cries] Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos?! [back to present] That doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, I forgot to mention—you were naked for a lot of that. [cutaway to naked BoJack pounding the grass]
Stamoooss!!
Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office. [cutaway to naked BoJack crying at the office]
We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong!
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about... you know... I feel bad... about... what happened.
So... you're apologizing?
Yes. I'm sorry.
[casually] Okay. I don't forgive you.
[genuinely shocked] Herb, I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
Uh, not sure you get what's happening here? This could be the last time that you...
[interrupts angrily] NO! (climbing out of bed and walking to BoJack) I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that! [coughs] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay!
[backing off] I really think that we'd both feel better if we'd just...
I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better! [coughs again]
You have to believe me, I did everything I could.
Yeah? Then why didn't you call me? Huh? Twenty years, and you didn't call me!
L-look, I wanted to, but I didn't think that...
Do you know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure... but you?!
It's not my fault you got fired.
I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE JOB! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was... a friend. And you abandoned me. [walking back into bed] And I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!
You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman.
...I don't know why I came here.
Yeah. You do.
[sees Todd twirling car keys] Look who's not dead.
Uh, better than not dead—you were looking at Mr. Peanutbutter's driver.
You're his driver? That's perfect! Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanubutter's inner circle.
I don't know, BoJack.
Sure, you'll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffeur him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while you'll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we're ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles' heel, [grabs Todd menacingly] we will take him down.
Hooray... betrayal.
[BoJack turns to "Vincent Adultman" at the bar]
VVincent
Hi.
So you're the quote-unquote "person singular" that everyone's so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don't?
VVincent
Uumm... Adult stuff?
Yeah, I'm not seeing it. But that doesn't matter. Not everything's about me. And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore... but just because I don't like the idea that I can't. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions. Not just with her, with... [sighs] with everyone, really. [beat] You know, Princess Carolyn was right. You are a good listener.
VVincent
Thanks.
You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. [long beat] Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it? [Vincent tends to him with his broom hand]
VVincent
Don't be sad. [strokes him] Good horsey. [continues stroking his head]
..It actually feels kind of nice.
RSA Ryan Seacrest Type
[on Excess Hollywoo] I'm here with Hollywoo darling, Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane?
NWNaomi Watts
I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That's kind of the reason I got into this business.
RSA Ryan Seacrest Type
Ha ha! You said words! Now, is it true you stay in character between takes?
WWatts
Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It's been great.
[cutaway to kitchen with Quentin Tarantulino and Diane]
TTarantulino
Diane! Lookin' good.
Um, thanks.
TTarantulino
Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. [referring to Watts]
WWatts
Oh, thank you.
TTarantulino
Now, where's my peanut butter?
Right over here, Q.
TTarantulino
No, I'm looking for peanut butter.
Oh, you mean BoJack?
TTarantulino
If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. [Wallace Shawn comes in dressed as BoJack]
WSWallace Shawn
Did someone call for BoJack? [cut back to Watts and Seacrest Type]
WWatts
It really cuts down on confusion.
[BoJack runs to Diane on the rooftop, after she sent first few chapters on BuzzFeed]
Uh, what the hell?!
I know, I know. But if you just listen for—
You posted your dumb little book on the Internet?
No, I just leaked the first few chapters and people are already talking about it!
This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are?
I know you're mad and you have every right to be, but you gotta read some of these comments. [BoJack wheezes in anger] People love you! And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book!
Your book?!
Our book.
Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? [stands up] It is never going to be published.
BoJack, [stands up] I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you'll see! [BoJack wheezes and takes a deep sigh]
Maybe you're right.
Really?
No. You're fired.
[reads "Dr. Allen Hu" calling card] Oh, it's Hu, Dr. Hu!
HDr. Hu
That's right. Dr. Hu, Dr. Allen Hu.
No, no, but I thought it was Who, like Doctor Who.
HDr. Hu
Yes, that's exactly what it's like.
No, not H-U, but Who, like, "Hello? Who is it?"
HDr. Hu
Umm, I don't know. Who is it? [to Sarah Lynn] I'm s— I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? 'Cause I just don't...
Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks, so he'll leave me alone.
Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?
Ah! Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Doctor Who!
HDr. Hu
Yes?
No. Yes! Thank you, Doctor Who!
HDr. Hu
Yes?
I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.
What? No, that's Dr. Quinn!
Who's Dr. Quinn?
HDr. Hu
I most certainly am not.
Hu's not Dr. Quinn, Hu's Dr. Hu!
I don't know!
HSHu/Sarah/Todd
Third base!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's BoJack Horseman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.