[Inside the nunnery, they find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns praying at another altar-thing]
Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?
[covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way.
[They begin to walk away]
JJustin
Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas]
[Edmund, Percy, and Baldrick begin walking away, but run into the knights, who are also dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering their mouths, particularly Justin, who has a full beard]
[falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?
[falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?
[Justin looks at George, a bit shocked]
JJustin
[falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way?
[normally] Thank you very much.
JJustin
[normally] You're welcome.
[The two parties turn away, but then pause, and realize who the other group is, draw swords and begin fighting, except Baldrick, who doesn't have a sword]
[Elsewhere in the nunnery, the Mother Superior and Sister Sara are walking through the hallways]
SSSister Sara
And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second]
No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory?
SSSister Sara
[smiles] Oh, yes, Mother Superior. What a good idea.
[In the dormitory, Percy holds his own sword as well as Edmund's, while George just hits each sword, not making much effort to actually hit Percy. Edmund knocks over Justin, whose sword is stuck in one of the wooden partitions, and climbs on top of him. Baldrick, meanwhile, has found himself on top of a real nun in one of the beds. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter]
[fuming] Girls! Girls! Girls! [Percy and George drop the swords and jump into the beds] If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here? [looks and points at Edmund] You! Yes, you. The plain girl. [takes off headgear] Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
SSSister Sara
[removes Justin's headgear] And a man! [screams]
Er, I think I can explain. [laughs uneasily]
[Later, in the Mother Superior's office; Sara is "whipping" Edmund, but actually just tapping the crop against his bottom]
And that, sweet lady, is the whole story.
Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?
Ahh, the fine embroidery...
Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.
I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings.
[sarcastically] Ooh, I can understand that. Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.
Oh, may I be cursed for it!
And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?
It bears the ring of truth, and I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication. Nevermore may you be Archbishop of Canterbury!
[mock disappointment] Oh dear! [grins to himself]
That's enough, Sister Sara; I think he's learned his lesson. [Sister Sara stops tapping]
Sorry? [then realizes, and feigns pain] Oh, ow, ow, ow.
[standing up] Go, sinner, and meet thy doom!
[Edmund exits into the corridor, and opens the door, with a light at the end of the hallway; he walks slowly toward the light, cleans out his ear and scratches himself a bit as he goes. He emerges into the hallway and find Percy and Baldrick, who are holding Edmund's clothes]
Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
[He, Percy, and Baldrick run off as the end credits starts]
[After the credits]
Alas, the corruption of the world...
SSSister Sara
Yes, alas, Mother Superior.
I'm tired and weary. You may leave me now.
SSSister Sara
Very well. [turns to leave]
SSSister Sara
[stops and turns to Mother Superior again] So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight.
[Sister Sara nods and leaves]
[On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet]
LLady
O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies, for I’m yours [removes her cloak] and yours alone!
[taking off his hood to reveal himself] And I’m yours!
LLady
Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! [pushes Edmund off the rampart; dogs are heard attacking him]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to map room as the King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum]
We burst in and slaughter their gizzards. [laughs]
M1Messenger 1
[arrives] My Lord, news...
M1Messenger 1
The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
Ah, good news![Messenger 1 leaves] Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
M2Messenger 2
[arrives] My Lord, news...
M2Messenger 2
The King of France sends his greetings.
Ah, good news! [Messenger 2 leaves] My diplomacy triumphs.
MMessenger
My Lord, news...
MMessenger
Lord Wessex is dead.
[raises his arms in triumph; the messenger raises his own arms too] Ah- [loweres his arms] This news is not so good.
MMessenger
Pardon, My Lord?
I like it not. Bring me some other news.
MMessenger
Pardon, My Lord?
I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!!
MMessenger
Yes, My Lord! [leaves as the King tosses things around angrily. He arrives with more news] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
MMessenger
Lord Wessex is not dead.
Ah, good news! [lifts his arms halfway; the messenger does the same] Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!
Oh yes, [points at the messenger, who mimics him] and tell Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
MMessenger
Yes, My Lord. [leaves]
[seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage, tosses it aside] Chiswick, fresh horses!
[We cut to Edmund's room where Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain; Edmund and Baldrick rush in]
Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]
But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!
Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.
Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.
Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
But tell me what it is anyway!
Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.
Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!
[enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'
Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!
[gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.
I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...
[horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?
I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.
Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.
Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
[A while later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his shoulders]
Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy.
[moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you.
You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.
Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund]
No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster!
Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside]
[Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all]
Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!
Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits]
Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?
Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.
[in a high-pitched, not falsetto, voice] Hello there!
[in his normal voice] Er, hello. How are you?
I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.
No, he damned well isn't!!! [attacking Percy] And anyone who marries the Infanta will get creamed! Do you hear me?
[Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up behind him, grabbing Percy's neck. Baldrick enters, carrying some more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position]
[smiling] Yes, that's the kind of thing!
[Edmund quickly stands up]
[In a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk, Reverend Lloyd, unconscious. Edmund runs down the field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of flowers to a woman. Edmund, still in his "effeminate" dress, runs between them, ending up with the flowers. Percy chats with a woman, Tally, in a small cottage; she's surprised with a smile and giggles when she hears what he says. Later, in the cottage, Lloyd is setting up a makeshift altar; Tally is still giggling]
Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!
Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it...
Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!
RLReverend Lloyd
Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right?
TTally
Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs]
Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?
RLReverend Lloyd
Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...
RLReverend Lloyd
And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?
RLReverend Lloyd
Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah...
[stammers a bit] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!
RLReverend Lloyd
Yes, but surely if she's–
Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!
Reverend Lloyd: But this is most unusual! [Baldrick holds a knife to Lloyd's throat] Well, mind you, hasn't the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example. We'll continue. [puts a hand behind his back, fingers crossed] So, no one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matrimony.
[A man, Thomas, enters, carrying a scythe]
RLReverend Lloyd
Ah... [a bit confused] And, er, you are...?
RLReverend Lloyd
Then you are the father of the bride...
TThomas
No, I'm the husband of the...bride.
TTally
Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'–
RLReverend Lloyd
...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. [quickly begins to gather up his things]
[backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick hide behind him] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint...
Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!
TThomas
Get out of here!!!
[Baldrick, Percy and Edmund leave in fear]
TTally
[shocked at her husband's behavior] That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!
TThomas
No, that'll be the Earl of Doncaster.
[Outside the throne room, the Infanta, Don Speekenglish, and the Queen all sit on a bench]
IInfanta
Ah, esto estas bien.
DSDon Speekenglish
Well, this is nice.
IInfanta
Hablierto poco de cosas de mujeres.
DSDon Speekenglish
To have a little talk about a lady's things.
IInfanta
Si, los dos solas.
DSDon Speekenglish
Just the two of us.
IInfanta
Si, bueno. Señora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses.
DSDon Speekenglish
So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen.
Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing!
IInfanta
[grinning] Que? Que?
DSDon Speekenglish
And what is that?
Well, it’s a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins, and, of course, the other thing...
IInfanta
Que el otro? Que el otro?
DSDon Speekenglish
And what is the other thing?
[as though it's obvious] Oh, well, custard!
DSDon Speekenglish
Crema!
IInfanta
[laughing] No...Edmundo; que tal es?
DSDon Speekenglish
Edmund; what’s he like?
Well, I told you: this pudding...
IInfanta
En la cama! [put her hands together, resting them on her cheek]
DSDon Speekenglish
No, what's he like in bed?
Oh. Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of cinnamon.
DSDon Speekenglish
No, no, no. [concentrating on the words] What is he like?
Oh. Well, he's like a little rabbit, really.
IInfanta
Conejo?! [giggles about this] Mama, mama, cuanto le quiero! [she hugs the Queen]
DSDon Speekenglish
[popping up under their arms] Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!
[We cut to Edmund’s room where Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are wearing antlers, and none of them are at all excited; a dog is cooking over a fire]
I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life.
Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing.
We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin.
At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy]
What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh!
[Smiling, both of them look at Baldrick]
[chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No!
[Later, outside the Infanta's bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume on Baldrick, who's in a nightshirt]
Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider.
Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.
Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
[Edmund leaves. Percy too, but then turns to Baldrick. They shakes hands, then they embrace for a while, Percy is half crying, and half laughing, then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The room is completely dark, and nothing can be seen]
IInfanta
Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!
DSDon Speekenglish
Oh Edmund, my love!
[We cut to the map room; Edmund and Percy enter]
[We cut to the dark bedroom where Baldrick and the Infanta are moaning, then back to the map room]
I bring the gravest of news.
What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña.
DSDon Speekenglish
Don't hold back, please, my little one.
[back in the map room] Then is it news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?
IInfanta
[back in the dark bedroom] Ooohhhhh!!!!
DSDon Speekenglish
Securo!
[back in the map room] Well, what then?
[acting distraught] My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Oooooaaahh...
[back in the map room] Oh, yes, I know that.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Mas...
[back in the map room] Her uncle told me.
DSDon Speekenglish
[back in the dark room] Again please!
[back in the map room] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.
Only one of you has to be a virgin! [Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused] Anything else?
[Edmund turns away. Percy is about to say something, but Edmund shoos him outside, and follows Percy out]
[That evening, in Edmund and Leia's bedroom (separate beds); Edmund reads her a bedtime story]
"...and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends in the forest, and go to live in a land far away, where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died."
[yawns] Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn't it time to put the light out?
Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o'clock... [blows out the candle as the end credits starts]
[We cut to outside Alnwick Castle at night during the end credits. And after the credits, both Edmund and Leia's voices were heard]
[off-screen] Can I get a drink of water, please?
[off-screen, tiredly] Yes, yes, yes, alright...
[It is a dark evening in England. Inside cottage, four people are eating supper while Mrs. Tyler helps out]
TMrs. Tyler
What about this plague, then? Rumors from the North say it's worse there than ever.
PMr. Piers
No, no...Now that we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again.
FMrs. Field
You know what they're saying: "A rat a day keeps the plague away!"
PMr. Piers
Believe me, madam: There'll be no more plague in our lifetime.
TMrs. Tyler
Well, I hope you're right. [she goes to get a bowl]
[The three at the table suddenly die. Mrs. Tyler turns around and screams in horror. "The Black Adder" logo comes out of her mouth as the opening theme begins]
By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.
[Inside the corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire, Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing, and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up to him]
Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
[hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what?
I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.
[a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what?
Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...
Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...
