Blackadder quotes

Well, peel my tangerines!

Baldrick

Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull. You know you want to. It'll be ever so exciting.

[completely uninterested] Oh, god. [pulls the tiny Christmas cracker with Baldrick. There's a squeak instead of a bang; sarcastically] Yes, terrifying.

Baldrick

And look, there's a surprise present inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend. [gives the death warrant to Blackadder]

[sarcastic] Oh, just what I've always wanted.[crumples it into a ball]

Baldrick

Have you got anything for me?

Oh it's nothing, really!

Baldrick

[touched] Oh sir!

No, it's really nothing; I haven't got you anything. I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. [reveals a portrait of Elizabeth I] She'd better bloody like it, she dropped enough hints. That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside. Door! [covers the painting, and enters the throne room to find Queenie and Nursie tearing up paper chains] Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy! Don't you just love it?

No, I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it!

[nervous] I'm sorry?

I'm gonna block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone I see carrying a present! [Blackadder looks nervously at the painting, picks it up and attempts to leave] What's that, Edmund?

This? [long pause] It's a window.

A window?

Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to have disturbed you, Your Majesty. [hastily scurries from the room with the painting, hands it to Baldrick and closes the door behind him] Well, so much for that! [punches the portrait in the face; his fist goes through the canvas and hits Baldrick behind it]

Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

I'm glad I saw you; I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas. So I wouldn't get her a present this year.

Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter...[under his breath as he walks away] the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.

[jubilant] Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!

Baldrick

I can't see any subtle plan.

Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again!". It what we call a double bluff. Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him. He'll go get an enormous present, bring it to the Queen, and [makes throat cutting motion and sound]

Baldrick

What, he'll turn into a duck?

Yes...

Nursie

Pity about this, tinky-wink; you always used to love this time of year!

I know. Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked!

Nursie

And wondering if your father's wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off.

We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be alright.

Nursie

Happy days!

Yes. Maybe I was a little rash. [Blackadder and Melchett enter the throne room] Ah boys, welcome back! But Melchie, what have you got under your coat? [Blackadder smiles to himself] It's not a present, is it?

A present, Majesty? But of course! [pulls out an elaborate, bejewelled crown] You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.

[smugly] Am I?

[delighted] Oh, that's fab, I love presents! [Blackadder rolls his eyes at her mercurialness, while she turns to Melchett] You know, for a moment I took against Christmas, but I'm completely dippy about it again. In fact, I'd like to marry you! [Blackadder looks shocked] ...If you weren’t as unattractive as a giant slug! [she and Melchett laugh]

Oh pish, Majesty!

But anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents! Fancy a castle?

Well, Windsor, Majesty?

Title?

Duke of Kent?

Anything else?

Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun.

Lady Jane Pottle!

[gleeful] Oh yummy!

I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment, but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?

[clearly seething] No, ma'am, of course not. And perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen?!

Oh, I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder...

[sarcastic] Oh, too kind!

No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.

Super. Well done, Melchy. Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?

[having destroyed her Christmas present] Um...

I WANT A PREZZIE! Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: it's called AN AXE!

Good grief!

Horrible, eh? What a pig!

Yes, but, clearly, quite a clever, charming pig. Er, but, no, his behaviour was disgraceful.

Aye, you're a great improvement on them all. You're a good boy!

'Them'? Are there more?

Oh, yes. Have a shufti at this. [starts the next vision]

So, shall I begin the story, sir?

Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land!

You mean, Jesus?

Yes, that's the bloke! Keep him out of it; he always spoils the Xmas atmos!

Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph! [sees the vestibule is empty] Baldrick? Baldrick?

Baldrick

[walks in, dressed unconvincingly as a woman and nothing like the old woman Blackadder let in] Sorry, Mr. B. I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door. Are we ready?

What?

Baldrick

Well, I answered the door and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity, so I let her in.

Ah...

Baldrick

Something wrong, Mr. B.?

No, I should've known not to trust a man with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.

Baldrick

Sorry, Mr. B.

Oh, it's perfectly alright, it's not your fault. [floors Baldrick with a punch] Still, I fear for a frail, elderly woman, laden down with valuables, traveling through the inadequately lit streets of London.

Baldrick

Yeah, she's not safe!

Well, not from me, certainly! [punches Baldrick again and storms out]

Very amusing!

In what way?

Um, the wigs. Very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful. But...but he actually got the presents?

[haltingly] Y-Yes.

So there is something to be made out of being bad?

Technically. Technically, yes. But that's not the point, is it? It's the soul. The soul.

As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if I was bad?

Erm...heavens, is that the time? I really must be off!

I'd love to see Christmas Future!

Oh no, you wouldn't. It's terribly melodramatic.

Look, just show it. Please?

Alright. [halfheartedly begins the next vision]

Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe!

And hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid! I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!

[approaches] Morning.

To you, Blackadder - thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouser-Pod - this much greeting.

I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnu!

Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, thank you.

Approach your slave: Baldrick!

For God's sake, Baldrick, if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.

Baldrick

[stands and salutes] Wilco, skipper!

Majesties, I give you this much greeting.

What news of the foul Malmydons?

Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?

...Well, they're all dead, if that's what you mean.

Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?

No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies because you just made them up.

Dammit!

[laughs] Excellent, Commander! You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. Now, bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this. [holds up a crystal sceptre]

Nursie

Ooh, lovely, an ashtray!

Come, Majesty, he wastes our time!

Yes, send him to the Sprouting Chamber!

No, wait! What is it, Commander?

Well, I'll show you, shall I? [a blinding light shoots out of the scepter, and when it clears, Queen Asphyxia is left alone on the throne. He then hands the sceptre to Baldrick and approaches the queen] And now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me supreme command of the universe, sew a button on my spare uniform and marry me this afternoon.

[eagerly] I thought you'd never ask.

So one way, it's glory everlasting, the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.

Well, it's not so simplistic, but it does at least point to a very clear lesson.

Namely?

Namely that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.

You don't think it points to the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?

No, absolutely not! The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive. Picture it - quiet evenings in your hovel alone. A bible. Your own turnip.

Oh, well, that makes all the difference.

So you're going to be a good boy then?

Oh, absolutely. [the spirit looks at him suspiciously] Would I lie to you?

Baldrick

Mr. Blackadder? [comes into the room holding his sock] Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.

Oh, dear me, [takes the sock] but don't be too unhappy. [puts his hand into the sock] Because if you look very carefully there's something in this stocking from me. In fact, it's something I made for you.

Baldrick

Well that's the kind of present that shows the most love. What did you make for me, Mr. B?

I've made you...[holds out his fist] a fist.

Baldrick

A fist?

Yes, it's for hitting. [punches Baldrick in the face] What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] Well, what do you say?

Baldrick

Thank you, Mr. B.

[puts his fist back into the sock] Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I after all think nothing of you. [punches Baldrick again]

[knocks on the window] Oi, gitface! How 'bout a penny for the season?

Hark! Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window? [walks over and opens the window, causing the boy to fall to the ground with a scream] No, I must have imagined it.

Baldrick

Shall I get that, sir?

No, Baldrick, leave them out in the snow until I get dressed. I'll only be about forty minutes.

Compliments of the season, sir. We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding. Three, four!

[singing]

[smiles, claps his hand four times] Utter crap.

Thank you very much, sir.

Do we get a Christmas treat now?

Yes, indeed, you do.

What is it?

It's...a door in the face. Here you are. [slams the door shut]

Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker - one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off. [unsure of how to make of this, Milicent and Ralph respond with their ear-grating, joyful, cackling laughter] Shut up!

[shocked] Oh, Mr. Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the...the horridest man in the world!

Baldrick

I was thinking the same thing.

[smacks Baldrick on the back of the head] When spoken to. [to Milicent] I would explain, my dear, but I fear you wouldn't understand, blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book.