Samantha Stephens quotes from Bewitched

Samantha

Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.

Larry Tate

And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.

Samantha

Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.

Ironic?

Samantha

Yes. Who can you say it to?

Tabitha

Is this one of those things that's called a problem?

Samantha

Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Tabitha

Mommy, Mommy!

Samantha

[from Tabitha's bedroom window] What is it, sweetheart?

Tabitha

Look who's here!

Samantha

[shocked] Oh, my goose! It's Mother Stars!

And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.

Samantha

Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Samantha

One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.

The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

Endora

Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.

Samantha

In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.

Endora

You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.

Samantha

And so's your horse.

Samantha

He'll catch up.

Larry Tate

Only if they race to Albany.

Maurice

She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.

Samantha

Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?

Samantha

Why would I want to do that?

Could you or couldn't you?

Samantha

Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?

Not everything. Just everything difficult.

Samantha

Well!

Can you learn to skate the mortal way?

Samantha

Are you challenging me?

Yes

Samantha

I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Is Tabitha ready for school?

Samantha

Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

Why does he keep saying that?

Samantha

Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.

Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?

Samantha

Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?

Yes.

Samantha

Do you follow me?

No.

Samantha

Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.

Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?

I WAS a bullfrog.

Samantha

Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

And who is this bearded fellow?

Samantha

That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.

He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.

Samantha

He was an excellent president, Sir.

Better than me?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?

Samantha

Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

Samantha

Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".

Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.