Hey, doc? When was the last time you got it serviced?
Excuse me?
Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?
S1Sex in the Inner City
(looks at a patient's chart) Eczema. Thank you, God. (takes one look at her) Oh, brother.
So, where's the problem?
See this thing on the back of my neck? It's like this all over. Between my breasts, my thighs. Do you want me take my clothes off?
Hold it, hold it. We'll just work our way down. No, I mean, take our time. Take this-- no.
See, I've got to keep my skin perfect. I'm a dancer.
Ah! Broadway?
No. Lap.
I'm glad you got me over here, doc. Your system is getting ready to blow!
Stay away from me!
(Becker turns on the TV)
WOWoman on TV
Hi. I'm Tiffany. I want to tell you things I've never told anyone. Hot, nasty, thi--
(changes channel)
WOWoman on TV
You want firm, tasty, sexy fun? I mean, just look at these!
(changes channel)
WOWoman on TV
Jerry, I don't think nymphomaniac is a big enough word to describe me.
(changes channel)
RReporter
And in our final story tonight, we'd like to wish a special happy birthday to Hazel Meyers. Today, the oldest woman in New York is 106 years old.
And not lookin' to bad, either.
S1Tell Me Lies
Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.
Oh, John. I'm sorry.
No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.
Know what I'm doing right now?
Hm?
Giving you the finger.
John, I'm blind, I'm poor and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx. God gave me the finger long before you ever did.
You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah. Bitchy.
I never said that. I agree, but I never said that.
(after he arranged the chess pieces on the board)
Hey sweetheart, tell the doctor I'm ready and I'm white.
Excuse me sir, but the doctor does not discriminate, he takes patients in the order they come in.
Hey doc, are we playing chess today or should I just go screw myself?
Nah.. we'll finish the game. Aha! Got your rook!
Aha! Checkmate!
You beat me, how did you do that?
I have a nephew, 38, we have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve, he could beat you.
(to Linda as he's leaving Dr. Becker's office)
Honey, a little tip, next time I come in, it wouldn't kill you to offer me a little coffee, maybe a Danish. And by the way, they invented brassiere for a reason!
S1My Dinner With Becker
Margret, there's a reason why they named a blind date after a disabling condition.
If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.
S1Man Plans, God Laughs
[Becker walks into the diner]
You guys see the paper this morning?
John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.
Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!
Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.
Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Becker pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.