Becker · Season 1
While I'm here, there was something on the news last night about five warning signs. I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.
Hold on. Five warning signs for what?
I don't know. I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.
Well, no argument here.
(to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.
Who says I'm smoking?
You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?
You use that mouth with all your patients?
Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?
You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!
(on the phone) Well, when Mr. Marino gets back to the office, tell him to call Dr. Becker, please. (pause) He told you to tell me that? Well, I'm a doctor, and that's not physically possible.
You're dealing with people, John. Sometimes you have to be a little tactful.
I don't have time to be tactful, Margaret! Am I wrong, here? A guy's crossing the street, a bus is about to hit him, I yell at him to watch out!
You keep yelling at me like that, I'm going to shove you in front of that bus, climb inside, get behind the wheel and back up over you again!
You'd really back over me?
Only to put you out of your misery.
Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.
What street?
What's the difference?
Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...
All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...
Is it a local or an express?
What difference does it make?
Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--
I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?
Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.
Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!
Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?
Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!
Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?
He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!
Oh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.
(to Mrs. Marino) I know why you want to kill him. (to Mr. Marino) And now I know why you want to die. Best of luck to both of you.
(answers phone) Hello? Excuse me? Am I interested in changing my long distance carrier? (blows air horn into the phone) Thanks for calling.
(after a neighbor's music wakes him up) Hey, foreign guy! Whatever you're doing to the goat is not my idea of an alarm clock!
There's only one reasons to run: if you're being chased, or if you're on fire.
What is this, National Sex Day? I got a woman doing it in a parked car. This clown wants Viagra. Everybody I see this morning has sex on the brain.
You got a really old system, here. Your pipes are clogged. You gotta let off the pressure or the system won't handle it.
Hey, M.J. How are you doing?
Where do babies come from?
(pause) Europe.
My brother told me if I see a girl naked then she's going to have a baby. Yesterday, I saw my cousin Francene naked. I don't have it big with her. She's mean.
Well, they all are, kid.
Come on my other doctor wouldn't prescribe anymore, I need this stuff! With Viagra I'm like a 17 years old boy again.
Look, Viagra is a treatment for a specific and a very serious condition. Ever since it came out, I have had every middle age lothario with hair growing out of his ears sleazing in here begging for a booster shot. Do you think I'm gonna hand you a loaded gun so you can go out on a rampage? You're outta your mind pall!
Come on! Doc! I was married for 15 years, I feel like I've been on the bench forever now I'm back in the game. Please doc, give me the bat!
You just ruined baseball for me, you know that?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Becker pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
