I never told you to shut up.
HMr. Humphries
You hung up on me once.
So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.
S5 E4And The Heartbeat Goes On
HMr. Humphries
Tonight, I want you to read this.
"10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
HMr. Humphries
My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
"Tuesdays With Morrie"?
HMr. Humphries
It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
HMr. Humphries
The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!
S5 E6The 100th
You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him.
Do you think I would be capable of that?
You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!
S5 E13But I've Got Friends I Haven't Used Yet
[Bob walks into the diner]
BBob
You guys aren't gonna believe what just happened! I just came from the gym-
The gym!? I thought the judge said you couldn't go back there!
BBob
That was the old gym! Anyway, I'm standing in front of this big window, watching an abs and ass class, when suddenly, they wheel some guy by with a sheet over his head!
Was he dead?
BBob
[sarcastically] No, he was in a Halloween costume. Yeah, he was dead! Anway, the poor schmuck keeled over on the treadmill. [worried] He was in his thirties, just like me! I mean, you spend years building a life-wife, kids, career- then one day, it's over!
Well, you got nothing to worry about; you got none of those things! [cackles]
BBob
Neither do you! [Jake abruptly stops laughing]
S5 E14The Pain in the Neck
[Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]
BBob
You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!
Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.
SMr. Stoler
I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
SMr. Stoler
Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
I *do* have all the answers!
S5 E16The Job
I was right. He's [Becker's] a junkie.
Who the hell is this?
Linda Oops. Wrong number.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Becker pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.