It's like I always say. Well, I don't always say it, but I have said it, so I guess technically that I sometimes say it. Which means I say it pretty often. Which brings up an interesting point: is it "off-in" or "off-ten?"
S4Another Tricky Day
Linda, the point. What's your point?
That Mercury's in retrograde. That always makes people act very strangely.
(scoffs) Astrology. What a load of crap.
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
You don't think people's lives are affected by the stars?
BBob
Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities 'cause clearly, when Brad Pitt is in town, traffic is tied up around for hours.
I love Brad Pitt.
BBob
Me too. But in a totally non-gay way.
Yeah, I gotta admit, I kinda envy Brad Pitt because he's not involved in this conversation.
(reading a personal ad) "Get out of here, get to work, or I will fire you."
I'm telling you, Dr. Becker. That woman was definitely checking you out.
No, she wasn't.
Deny it all you want, but I'm telling you she was looking.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Huh.
She had to be about 80, but she was definitely interested.
Oh. Yeah. That one.
There's something crawling around inside the walls!
Oh, you know what? I'll bet it's a rat.
I know it's a rat. I'm trying to find it so I can kill it!
What's the big deal? He's probably just another rat here to make it on the great rat way.
It's such a difficult life for them. So much disappointment.
(reading a lab report) Oh, my god.
No, no. Some make it.
This is incredible. It's from the lab. They made a mistake on Mr. Garland's test results. He's fine.
(reads the report) Oh, my god, John. You told the man he was dying!
Yeah, well he's not. I gotta get him on the phone here. I can't believe the lab screwed up like that.
Yeah, well he's not the only one that's happened to. I sent the film for my vacation to the lab and they totally lost it.
Different lab, Linda!
All's I'm saying the guy's got the rest of his life to look forward to. I spent a week in Bermuda and have no idea what I did.
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Hey, Jake. Where have you been?
My nana sent me package and it took me an hour to pick it up at the post office. Turns out forty-five minutes of that was me waiting in line for the ladies room.
BBob
Giving a blind man a Scrabble set it cruel. It would be like buying you a fish tank. It's a total waste.
I have a fish tank and I'll tell you why: I find the sounds of the bubbles to be very relaxing.
BBob
Look, Jake--
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Bob.
BBob
No, I'm telling him: You do NOT have a fish tank. What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled!
Reggie?
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Once you started naming the fish, we just didn't have the heart to tell you.
BBob
(reading the Scrabble box) "Special Edition: Can be enjoyed by the blind and sighted alike." Okay. Bob stands corrected. Let's play, Jake.
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
So, a blind man playing Scrabble is wrong, but you beating a blind man at Scrabble, you have no problem with.
BBob
Exactly.
It's okay, Reg. Let the little weasel put his money where his mouth is.
BBob
Oh, yeah? Fifty bucks!
I'm in!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Wow, look at this! Each tile's marked in braille.
BBob
Wait a minute. He can tell what they are? I'm out.
Damn, I was looking forward to it. I haven't played since I was a little kid.
BBob
Really? Well, why be a bad sport? I'm back in.
(about a patient's odd behavior; in sing-song tone) Mercury. Retrograde.
It has nothing to do with that.
(sing-song) Suits yourself. There are two new patients waiting in your office.
(sing-song) Stop that.
(sing-song) I can't.
(to two patients who tried to get drugs) Instead of getting high on drugs, why don't try getting high on life?! Oh, my god. I am officially a hundred years old.
(on the phone) Can you come here right away?
Who are you talking to?
(on phone) No, I don't care how much it costs.
Now I don't care who you're talking to. (hangs up)
John, that was the exterminator! I want that thing out of here!
Margaret, it's just a rat! Why do you hate it so much, anyway?
Because, when I was a child, my father bought me a little dog--
Oh, please, please. Is this going to be that urban legend story where the dog turns out to be a rat?
No. This is my sixth birthday party where my dog was EATEN by a rat!
... Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess...
I can't believe it.
I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.
The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!
Mr. Garland, I understand--
No, you don't understand. When I left your office that day, I was devastated. But then I figured if I've only got a short time to live, well, I'm going to go out in style. The first thing I did was quit my job, told my boss to go straight to hell. What'd I have to lose? You told me I was dying.
I-I understand, but that's still just a job, you know? So you burned a bridge.
No. I burned his new BMW.
Why would you do that?
Because you told me I was dying!
Couldn't you pay him back?
No, I can't. I spent all my money on champagne, limos and lap dances.
All of it?
I got a lot of lap dances.
So, you spent all your money, and you lost your job, but all those things are fixable.
No. I haven't finished yet. After that, I maxed out my credit cards, cursed out my wife, and sent a photo copy of my ass to the IRS.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Becker pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.