Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

Dr. John Becker

Well, it's official. The nuts are out in full force today.

Dr. John Becker

On my way to work, some guy in a full New York Jets uniform stops me, tells me it's fourth and long, asks me if I know what the play is. I told him, "Run to the river and go deep."

Dr. John Becker

(reading a personal ad) "Get out of here, get to work, or I will fire you."

Dr. John Becker

(to two patients who tried to get drugs) Instead of getting high on drugs, why don't try getting high on life?! Oh, my god. I am officially a hundred years old.

Dr. John Becker

[about the music one of his neighbours plays] That's not music, that's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo!

Dr. John Becker

All right, I'm sorry.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, shut up.

Dr. John Becker

Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, what could they possibly rob next?

Dr. John Becker

Oh, dear God, my apartment!

Jake Malinak

(first lines) Becker's here!

Dr. John Becker

What I like about this place is that anytime I walk in, there's always a seat.

You know, Becker, you could've changed the channel.

Dr. John Becker

I did. I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and uncle. I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.

Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!

Jake Malinak

Don't you see it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset!

Dr. John Becker

Nobody called on you. It doesn't matter if you turn the set off. The people are still in there! And, frankly, I like knowing what they're up to. Trust me on this one. White trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!

You're really a miserable human being.

Dr. John Becker

Doesn't mean I'm not right.

Why don't you get a nicotine patch like the rest of the world.

Dr. John Becker

I tried one. They're too hard to light.

Dr. John Becker

Jake.

Jake Malinak

(combing his hair) Yeah?

Dr. John Becker

If you don't want people to know you're blind, you might want to try staring into the shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin.

Jake Malinak

(touches the napkin dispenser, of which the napkins are facing) Oh, damn.

Dr. John Becker

Kind'a thought what? That I'll give a pat on that continent you call a butt, tell you everything is gonna be fine and send you home?

Wow wow, aren't doctors supposed to be nice?

Dr. John Becker

Check out the Hippocratic Oath, it doesn't mention nice.

You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.

Dr. John Becker

Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.

So, what kind of car are you looking for?

Dr. John Becker

Basic transportation. Something to get me from here to there.

Get a bicycle.

Jake Malinak

Uh-oh.

What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution-free.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, yeah. That's just what I want to be. Another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and stupid helmet trying to save the environment. Like my little two-wheeler's going to make a difference in a city with fifty-million cabs belching out toxic smoke. "Oh, little Timmy can't breathe! But don't worry! Becker's riding a bike!"

Jake Malinak

(to Reggie) I tried to warn you.