Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

Dr. John Becker

Linda, the point. What's your point?

Linda

That Mercury's in retrograde. That always makes people act very strangely.

Dr. John Becker

(scoffs) Astrology. What a load of crap.

You don't think people's lives are affected by the stars?

Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities 'cause clearly, when Brad Pitt is in town, traffic is tied up around for hours.

Linda

I love Brad Pitt.

Me too. But in a totally non-gay way.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, I gotta admit, I kinda envy Brad Pitt because he's not involved in this conversation.

Linda

I'm telling you, Dr. Becker. That woman was definitely checking you out.

Dr. John Becker

No, she wasn't.

Linda

Deny it all you want, but I'm telling you she was looking.

Dr. John Becker

Really?

Linda

Oh, yeah.

Dr. John Becker

Huh.

Linda

She had to be about 80, but she was definitely interested.

Dr. John Becker

Oh. Yeah. That one.

Margaret

There's something crawling around inside the walls!

Linda

Oh, you know what? I'll bet it's a rat.

Margaret

I know it's a rat. I'm trying to find it so I can kill it!

Dr. John Becker

What's the big deal? He's probably just another rat here to make it on the great rat way.

Linda

It's such a difficult life for them. So much disappointment.

Dr. John Becker

(reading a lab report) Oh, my god.

Linda

No, no. Some make it.

Dr. John Becker

This is incredible. It's from the lab. They made a mistake on Mr. Garland's test results. He's fine.

Margaret

(reads the report) Oh, my god, John. You told the man he was dying!

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, well he's not. I gotta get him on the phone here. I can't believe the lab screwed up like that.

Linda

Yeah, well he's not the only one that's happened to. I sent the film for my vacation to the lab and they totally lost it.

Dr. John Becker

Different lab, Linda!

Linda

All's I'm saying the guy's got the rest of his life to look forward to. I spent a week in Bermuda and have no idea what I did.

Linda

(about a patient's odd behavior; in sing-song tone) Mercury. Retrograde.

Dr. John Becker

It has nothing to do with that.

Linda

(sing-song) Suits yourself. There are two new patients waiting in your office.

Dr. John Becker

(sing-song) Stop that.

Linda

(sing-song) I can't.

Margaret

(on the phone) Can you come here right away?

Dr. John Becker

Who are you talking to?

Margaret

(on phone) No, I don't care how much it costs.

Dr. John Becker

Now I don't care who you're talking to. (hangs up)

Margaret

John, that was the exterminator! I want that thing out of here!

Dr. John Becker

Margaret, it's just a rat! Why do you hate it so much, anyway?

Margaret

Because, when I was a child, my father bought me a little dog--

Dr. John Becker

Oh, please, please. Is this going to be that urban legend story where the dog turns out to be a rat?

Margaret

No. This is my sixth birthday party where my dog was EATEN by a rat!

Dr. John Becker

... Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess...

Mr. Garland

I can't believe it.

Dr. John Becker

I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.

Mr. Garland

The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!

Dr. John Becker

Mr. Garland, I understand--

Mr. Garland

No, you don't understand. When I left your office that day, I was devastated. But then I figured if I've only got a short time to live, well, I'm going to go out in style. The first thing I did was quit my job, told my boss to go straight to hell. What'd I have to lose? You told me I was dying.

Dr. John Becker

I-I understand, but that's still just a job, you know? So you burned a bridge.

Mr. Garland

No. I burned his new BMW.

Dr. John Becker

Why would you do that?

Mr. Garland

Because you told me I was dying!

Dr. John Becker

Couldn't you pay him back?

Mr. Garland

No, I can't. I spent all my money on champagne, limos and lap dances.

Dr. John Becker

All of it?

Mr. Garland

I got a lot of lap dances.

Dr. John Becker

So, you spent all your money, and you lost your job, but all those things are fixable.

Mr. Garland

No. I haven't finished yet. After that, I maxed out my credit cards, cursed out my wife, and sent a photo copy of my ass to the IRS.

Dr. John Becker

Look, I'll try to help you. I'll call the lab. They made a mistake once--

Mr. Garland

There's a chance I might not make it?!

Dr. John Becker

I promise I will exhaust ever possibility, but I'm only human, you know? In the end, you may have to come to grip with the fact that... you're gonna live.

Mr. Garland

(sulks out the door)

Dr. John Becker

What the hell's that?

Margaret

Mr. Pearson.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, yeah. Right.

Dr. John Becker

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.

Margaret

Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.

Excuse me.

Margaret

(takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?

Yes, I am.

Margaret

And your name is...?

I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.

Margaret

(to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.

Dr. John Becker

Scrabble with Jake?

What, you think we're taking advantage of him?

Dr. John Becker

No, I think he's taking advantage of you. He played in the National Championships like, three different times.

Excuse me?!

Jake Malinak

Well, I only won once.

Jake, you hustled us!

Dr. John Becker

Well, now technically, it's not hustling unless you were dumb enough to play for money.

I thought it was a sure thing! He's blind! I mean, the man's been throwing fish food in his toilet for the last five years!

Mr. Garland

So, did you get the test results? Am I really dying?!

Dr. John Becker

Mr. Garland, sometimes, no matter how hard we try--

Mr. Garland

(disappointed) I'm gonna live?

Dr. John Becker

I was going to go along with that astrology crap, but then I looked it up. Mercury doesn't go into retrograde for another three months.

Linda

Wow, that must mean that all the weird stuff that happened here today was nothing but a bunch of unrelated coincidences.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, you got a better explanation?

Linda

Well, if you add up the month, the day and the year, that adds up to 26. You add the two and the six, that's eight. Divide that by four, that's two, which is the number of people here in this room. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Dr. John Becker

Aw, Margaret, will you let go of that rat thing?

Margaret

(poking the ceiling with a broom) I can't, John. He's up there. I know he is.

Dr. John Becker

All right, get down. Get down. If it'll make you feel better, I'll go take a look.

Margaret

All right.

Margaret

You see anything?

Dr. John Becker

(A huge rat shadow suddenly passes by him) Oh. Sweet Jesus.