Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Call now for live one-on-one conversations.

Beavis

Yeah. Share your intimate thoughts!

Butt-head

A dollar ninety-five per minute.

Beavis

Must be 18 or older.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis. If we had a dollar ninety-five , we could call and share our intimate thoughts.

Beavis

Yeah. We could tell her that she sucks.

Butt-head

This chick's name is T'Pau.

Beavis

Yeah. That's Spanish for "This sucks."

Butt-head

That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

She's skanky.

Beavis

Yeah, and she's ugly.

Butt-head

She's what you call fugly.

Beavis

She's a fugly, skanky whore.

Butt-head

That wasn't very nice, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

Butt-head

This dude's chest is about as hairless and puny as yours.

Beavis

Shut up, fartcracker! I could kick this dude's ass.

Butt-head

You mean fartknocker, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

And, for the last time, you can't kick anybody's ass.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah I can! I'm getting bigger. Like...I've been drinking milk and stuff.

Butt-head

Yeah right.

Beavis

No really, Butt-head. I had some last week.

Butt-head

Yeah, but then you spit it out.

Beavis

Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.

Butt-head

I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

And they have a bunch of horn dogs working there.

Beavis

They have horn dogs?

Butt-head

Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.

Beavis

It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say "I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken", and I say [angry] "Dammit, it's always broken!"

Beavis

Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Oh yeah. Fryer!

Beavis

Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!

Butt-head

Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.

Beavis

Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.

Butt-head

We could put the hairnets on our nads.

Beavis

Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.

Butt-head

You put a hairnet on your nads?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

Beavis

[sings along] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at Shakey's...

Butt-head

This is stupid.

Beavis

Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that late night...

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, "Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of."

Beavis

That's kinda disgusting.

Beavis

Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?

Butt-head

Uh...no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Nobody has any balls anymore.

Beavis

Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?

Butt-head

Uh...no, and I don't care either.

Butt-head

You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.

Beavis

Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

Beavis

Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that...Crocodile Dumbdee, and um...I was just gonna say, um, he's from...down under. You know, down under?

Butt-head

Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

Butt-head

You know, this is kind of like that movie with The Beatles in it, where they're playing on the roof.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I saw that on the Discovery Channel. The Beatles suck!

Butt-head

Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?

Beavis

I don't know.

Butt-head

Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard they had an opening.

Beavis

"Opening." [Cackles]

Beavis

This is mall music.

Butt-head

Yeah. She has to play in a mall because she sucks.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?

Beavis

Debbie Gibson would kick her butt. She'd kick her!

Butt-head

She should join a gang, like Wilson Phillips.

Beavis

Yeah. Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?

Butt-head

Uh...you're the expert, Beavis.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

One chick from L7 alone could kick all of their asses combined.