[Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
[Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
[Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
[Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
[Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
[Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
[Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
He must've took it back again!
Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
[Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Right. I'm off down there.
Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Bollocks! [Leaves again.]
Strange quirk of fate this, isn'it? Y'know? I mean... who'd have thought that me, who's always hated Krauts...
[Not understanding] You've always hated what?
Er... Crowds. Crowds. Traffic. I've always liked the countryside, yer know.
Oh. I too. But you were saying about fate.
Yeah, well, I mean, who would've thought that I'd be expanding the family empire here in Germany?
Well, in a hut. Y'see, we couldn't get any decent hostel accommodation because it co... [Trying to keep to his story] Oh, right! Where will I live? Erm... well... in the mountains, over a river, yer know. A small castle would just about do it. After all, I'm all alone. Where do you live, Uli?
Oh... please, I'd rather not talk about me.
You're not married, are yer?
Oh, right, aye. Dennis is gettin' a divorce. That's Dennis, one of the lads who works for us, yer know. Oh, it's costin' him a fortune in maintenance.
I try to be independent with money. I have my own job.
Oh, right, right. Well, that's a canny job, isn'it? Hey, listen, you'll have to do me toenails sometime!
[Chuckles] It's hard to be independent with a jealous boyfriend.
[Taken aback somewhat] Boyfriend? [Uli nods] What, is he... a big bloke, is he?
[Hesitantly] Yes... but he's not so important as you are. I've wanted to leave him for a long time, but, er... he's very possessive.
Well, I can be very possessive meself, yer know, when I have to be! I can be when the need arises...
[Entering the lounge] Oz, I want a word with you. [Sees Uli] Oh, excuse me, pet. Er, I just want a quick word with the chief here.
Oh, is this one of your men?
Er... yeah, one of the lads. That's aboot it. [Reaches into his pocket]
So, you are in Oz's company?
Yeah, well, look, er... I kna what yer after, son. Listen... [Hands out a fifty mark note] Will fifty do yer?
[Taking the money] Oh... thanks, Oz. You're a gentleman!
I kna, I kna, but, yer kna... there's no need to tell everybody aboot it, man.
Right, er... good night, miss.
Now, don't be late in the mornin', will yer? [Neville leaves the bar, a bit confused] Young and daft, yer kna. [Raises his beer] Cheers!
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
[Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
[Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
What's wrong with the Abduls?
Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Sounds like a bloody council estate.
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
Figures don't lie, y'know.
So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
[Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Well, then, how could it win?
Because no two people had the same first choice.
So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
That’s democracy, Dennis.
Guten Abend, mein Herren.
Ah, you English. The English are always welcome here. I will get someone to take good care of you. [Claps his hands] Won't be long. [Out comes the masseuse. It's Uli, but Bomber doesn't know.]
[As he goes into the back] Have we met before, my dear?
I do not think so. My name is Uli. [The penny drops with Bomber.]
He does look relaxed, eh? Done your neck the power of good, has it, sunshine?
[To the barman] Can I have one here, chief? [Asks the others] Is Oz around?
Nah. He's, er... over the hut, helpin' with the decorating.
Lyin' on his bed, criticising!
He's very good at interior decor, our Oz(!) [He, Dennis and Neville laugh]
[Noticing Bomber is a little bit quiet] What's the matter, Bomb?
It's a bit awkward, and I think this should go no further.
I thought you'd went to a massage parlour, eh?
Head girl, by the looks of it.
I don't believe it. I met her through that Heidi, you know?
What, is she in that game as well?
Nah, nah, nah. She works on the cosmetic counter at Millers, she does. Well, at least I hope she does. Certainly smells like it!
Look, are you sure it was her, Bomber?
Her name was Uli, and I recognised her from the photograph.
So... she's not a beauty consultant?
Well, what do you think she does 'round there, son, eh? Facials?
It gets worse. According to my mate Dieter, who took me there, her boyfriend's the bloke that owns the place. Nasty piece of work, he looks.
That makes two of 'em, doesn't it?
Well, I call it poetic jutsice meself.
[Noticing everyone looking at him] I suppose I'll have to, eh?
Oz might be very upset, yer kna. Emotionally, like.
That's a sobering thought, ain't it, eh?
[On the phone] Wir erwarten Sie um drei Uhr? Bis dann. (Will three o'clock suit you? See you then.) [She puts the phone down, then notices Oz glaring at her]
How did you find me here?
Never mind, love. Get yer coat on, I wanna talk to you.
Later?! I think the sooner the better, d'you not?
[Entering the reception] Guten Abend.
Ah, you English! English are always welcome here.
The gentleman is not staying.
Apparently not. But listen, Uli, we've got to have a talk, an' there's things to be said, isn't there? Look, I'll be in the Tivoli tomorrow night, eh? [He leaves.]
[Admonishes Uli in Turkish]
Das ist nicht. (It was nothing.)
Nicht? Nicht?! (Nothing? Nothing?!) [He continues to shout at her in Turkish and hits her across the face.]
Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.
You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]
Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?
He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!
It was them saved your life, then.
What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.
Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.
[Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?
Fair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.
Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]
Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]
Every time they see Oz it's a big joke. [Shouts down to the Turks] 'Ey! What's so funny, eh? [The Turks continue to laugh and jeer] Ho ho ho(!) [Confused, the lads climb down the ladder.] Oi... Here, here. Why you laugh at Oz?
TWTurkish worker
This man saying, "Him taking my woman, I cutting him."
TWTurkish worker
I say, "No cutting him. He's our friend, working together", but he says, "No, him taking my woman. I cutting him." Very mad.
Very mad? You can say that again. He's off his bloody rocker!
Shut up, man, Oz! So, how did you change his mind?
TWTurkish worker
I saying quick, "He's not taking your woman. We knowing this man. He's not taking any woman. He have nothing with women!"
TWTurkish worker
We saying, "He nothing for woman, this man."
[To Dennis] What's he talkin' aboot? "Nothing for woman, this man."
TWTurkish worker
So he laugh and go away. [The Turks laugh and turn to carry on with their work, as do Dennis, Neville and Bomber.]
Hey, hey, Dennis? Here, what are they on aboot here?
Oz, they saved your bacon.
[Chuckling] Said you were a poofter! [Everyone laughs, while Oz just looks confused and/or offended]
[Handing Uli a drink] You look like you could do with that.
Cheers. [They raise their glasses. Oz sees the extent of the bruises] He do that to you, did he?
I'm not surprised. Bloody maniac. He come after me with a knife, yer know.
Did he tell you about that the...
Aye. [Uli chuckles and nods] Yeah. Well, I suppose he were only trying to help, yer know. What a bloody cheek, though!
Well, I didn't tell him that I know better. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you. I want to explain. You were my only chance to get out, to go to England where he couldn't hurt me.
You must've been pretty desperate to pick a bloke like me.
Oh, no, that had nothing to do with it.
'Cos, er... it wasn't true, yer kna.
Nah. Well, you weren't the only one that sort of made things out to be er, yer kna, a little bit different to what they were. Listen, I'm not any tycoon's son. My dad hasn't even got a business.
Nah. My old man was a layabout and a drunk. He buggered off when I was a bairn. Last thing I saw of him was, er, huntin' around the house for a pair of socks, prior to pissing off to the Persian Gulf on an oil tanker. See... I spun that whole yarn just to try and impress you, yer kna. Kept it all going... just to keep you.
[Shocked] ...Well, I feel better that you also didn't tell the truth.
Well... you might as well know the lot. I'm married as well.
Officially. Only in England, mind. Yer kna... But I mean, you've got somebody as well, havvn't yer? I mean, you've got this Kemal bloke.
Look, Uli, I mean, the main thing is, you've got to give this bloke the elbow, haven't yer? You've gotta give him the heave-ho, the push, the shove... Leave the bugger! Yer know? I mean, try... Pack a bag and try a new town.
[Shaking her head] It's difficult.
I know, I know, but I thought maybes, yer kna, when this has all blown over I thought maybe we could pick it up where we left off.
Maybe, huh? But, you know, Kemal is a bad man, and I don't want any more trouble for you.
He'll not cause me any more trouble. He'll not cause you any more trouble either. He's only one man, yer kna.
Yes, but he has two brothers, and they're all bad people.
Yes, but I've got six mates, an' if we count the whole building site, that's nearly 100. I don't think the Kemal brothers'll wanna mess with that lot!
Being in the business, you know, it's easy for us to see how flimsy this construction is. [Pulls the blinds off the window] In't that right, lads?
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely Jerry-built.
I could sneeze, it would fall down.
What i'm sayin' is, y'see, we're just as good at demolition as we are at construction.
[Takes his cigar out of his mouth] You are threatening me?
Listen. You lay one more finger on that girl, right... [Points to Bomber] ...and he'll hit you so hard your family'll feel it back in Istanbul!
[In the site office, Dagmar gives her new assistant some work...]
Man will vier Kopien davon. Ich sage, wo man diese schicken muss. (Make four copies of this, and I'll tell you where to send them)
[Entering the office] Hello.
[Taking off her glasses] Hello. [Introduces the assistant] Oh, Dennis, this is Christa. She has just come to work with us.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. Er... [Quiet] I was thinking about the weekend.
It's all right. I don't think she speaks English.
Oh, sure. I didn't want to compromise you, did I?
[Laughs] I think that already happened after our first weekend.
Yeah, well, it's not common knowledge now, is it?
[Tuts] Come on. On this site? I should think by now it is history.
Yeah, well, there's no panic, then, is there? I was just thinkin' that we might do somethin', might take off for the weekend. I've been puttin' in some overtime an' I'm flush, that's all.
Oh, that sounds very good. But I have to see about my mother.
Well, er, have a think about it, okay?
Sure. [Dennis turns to leave] Oh, wait. The post. I think there is one for you here.
That's all right. I'll just take them across.
All right. Thank you. [Dennis takes the post from Dagmar]
Bye-bye, then. Wiedersehen. [Leaves the office.]
[To Dagmar] Erm... he is... your friend?
Oh, Sie sprechen doch Englisch? (Oh, so you do speak English, don't you?)
[Reading his letter] No. No, there's not, Neville.
I didn't expect none. I got a parcel from Brenda yesterday. She sent us a new jumper. Oh, and some of her sister's birthday cake. We'll have that later.
It's not bad news, is it?
I don't know what to make of this, frankly.
Well, it's from Vera. It says she wants to come out here.
Aye. It says her sister's taking the bairns for the weekend and she could do with the break, and, er, "It would give us a chance to talk things over." What's she mean by that?
Aye... she probably wants to finalise things, like.
Everything is finalised, man. The divorce has gone through. I dunno what there is to talk about. I mean, the solicitors did all the bloody talkin'. We didn't get a word in edgeways.
Well, like she says, it'll be a break for her.
Well, if she wants a break, why doesn't her bloke take her somewhere, y'know? Eh? He's the one with the posh new car, good job...
Ah, he's a very busy man, though, Dennis. Probably can't find the time.
Hi. Vera? Look, I've reversed the charges because it's such a nightmare with all them stacks of change.
VVera
So, are you all right?
VVera
Ahh, they're fine. If I'd know you were gonna call, I'd have kept 'em up.
Ah, well, don't keep 'em up, love.
VVera
I'll not now, I mean it's difficult enough as it is trying to get 'em up!
VVera
I'm all right. Did you get me letter?
'Ey, what's this about you comin' out here?
VVera
Yes, well I thought it might be useful, you know, erm... I mean, I thought we could talk.
Well, there doesn't seem much to talk about. The solicitors, they filled in all the blanks.
VVera
Yeah. I mean, I think that's the point, Dennis, you know? I think they took over. I mean, there was your lawyer and my lawyer and all these forms to fill in, statements to make...
Yeah, well that's the way they work, isn'it? Know what I mean?
VVera
Absolutely, that's the point. I think that, in the middle of all that, somewhere you and I got lost, you know.
That's how they make their money, love.
I said that's how they make their money.
VVera
I know, Dennis. Will you listen?
Okay, pet, I'm listening. What?
VVera
I'm sayin' that I think that we got lost as people, as a couple. An' I think if I came out, we'd be away from all that pressure, all that procedure. I mean, we're still a family, aren't we?
VVera
Helen wants to take the kids up to the caravan in Seahouses.
VVera
They could go to Bamburgh Castle and the Farne Islands, they'll have a whale of a time. It'd do them the world of good
I agree, I agree, that's good for them, yeah.
VVera
Now, you sent us some extra.
Well, I've been puttin' in some overtime, y'kna? It's the least I can do.
VVera
I really appreciate it. But I thought I could use that to fly out.
What? D'you think it's worth havin' you fly all the way out here on your own?
VVera
Oh, Dennis, pet, please. Don't make it hard.
Well, okay. All right, if... if that's what you want.
Cheers, Bomb. I reckon I could use one.
Eh... you tell me, Bomber. You tell me.
It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
