Lorne quotes from Angel

Gunn

No way. We make our own choices.

Skip

Yeah, sure. Cheese sandwich here, uh, when to floss. But the big stuff, like two vampires squeezing out a kid?

Angel

Connor.

Wesley

An impossible birth to make one possible.

Skip

That's what the kid was designed for.

Lorne

To sleep with mother love?

Angel

To create a vessel.

Skip

Look out. The monkey's thinking again.

Angel

Being inside a human makes it vulnerable, doesn't it? That's why it had to stay hidden. Why it needed to create something stronger to pour itself into.

Gunn

Wait. So the big nasty inside of Cordy is going to give birth... to itself?

Gunn

OK, so what are we dealing with?

Eight legs, three heads, horns...?

Lorne

Hey!

No offense.

Connor

Two legs, one head, no horns.

Lorne

Lemme guess: green?

Angel

No. Kind of.... mocha.

Angel

She's right. There's work to do here. We have a hotel full of people, people who have needs.

Lorne

You know what they say about people who need people...

Connor

They're the luckiest people in the world.

Lorne

You been sneaking peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?

Connor

Just kinda popped out.

And in an impromptu speech today, the mayor--I really love that guy, don't you?-- The mayor declared Los Angeles the first Citadel of Jasmine, a cradle of civilization which will usher in a new age for all of humanity. In related news, the L.A. Archdiocese has stated to the press that it will remove all false idols from its churches, replacing them with images of she who walks among us. Way to go, Catholic Church. Yes, it's a great day to be alive.

Lorne

Well, talk about media bias. Well, not that I wanna talk about media bias. It seems rather moot right now. Speakin' of moot, what about us? Anyone else feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?

Gunn

So that's our big plan? Just keep running?

Lorne

Oh, I hear some good things about Belize!

Wesley

Connor, what does Jasmine eat?

Connor

What?

Wesley

The creature in the sewer. It called her the devourer. Devourer of what?

Connor

I don't know.

Wesley

Don't You? The followers she randomly chooses to come to her room. The ones she sent to meet her in the banquet hall.

Lorne

They're the banquet.

Gunn

Wait. People? She eats people?

Oh, no.

Gunn

To Serve Man. It's To Serve Man all over again.

And now she's going global.

Wesley

Jasmine was creating a slave state.

Lilah

Right, where the slaves are full of giggly joy and love. Ugh, what a nightmare.

Angel

She was eating people.

Lilah

They knew what they were getting into.

Lorne

Her stomach!?!

I had this prepared. Confidential list. Peepers only. I thought you might like to take a gander at our roster. Just a run down of some of the talent we represent here.

Lorne

Uh, no. No. No. No. I don't think you have to tell me what you represent here, young man. Evil. Pure evil in the... (stunned as he looks at the list) Huh. Which is also apparently everyone I've always wanted to meet. (laughs)

Spike

What? What?

Harmony

What the hell are you doing here, Spike?

Wesley

Harmony, please.

Gunn

This is Spike? *The* Spike?

Wait a minute. Who's...

Lorne

[calmly, to Spike] Easy, slim. Easy. No one's gonna hurt you.

Gunn

Speak for yourself, Green Jeans.

OK, would somebody please tell me who...

Wesley

William the Bloody. He's a vampire. One of the worst recorded. Second only to...

Angel

Me. But you're dead.

Harmony

Well, yeah. Who here isn't? [looks around] Besides him and him and her and... [to Lorne] What are you, again?

Spike

[lunges at Angel in game-face, but goes right through him and winds up standing in Angel's desk] Bugger.

Spike

I must be in hell.

Lorne

Er... no, L.A., but a lot of people make that mistake.

Lorne

Whoa! Watch it there! Just passing by and got splashed with a heap of grouchy. Got to tell you, Angelkins, that extra weight is not looking so good on you. [Angel looks down at his belly] I'm talking about psychic pounds, pumpkin. Why don't you consider me the Jenny Craig for the soul, huh? So let's hear it.

Angel

I'm not gonna sing.

Lorne

Couldn't bear it if you did. No, it's talking you need... or maybe a shoulder to--

Angel

I'm not gonna cry either.

Lorne

I was going to a leaning place. OK, Atlas, how about a shrug? Look, so you got the weight of the world. Burden, sure, but breaking news it ain't.

Angel

Listen, Lorne, this isn't a good time.

Lorne

No. No, it never is. Spike showing up your first day in the Wolfram & Hart saddle, took the jolly right out of the rancher. But we've been feeling it ever since then, Angelcakes.

Angel

OK, so it's no secret. I don't like the guy.

Angel

Look, Lorne...I have things. I'm busy. [Lorne stares] I'm brooding.

Lorne

[Turns around to see television is on.] Oh, you're watching hockey!

Angel

Yeah, but my team is losing.

Lorne

Hey, professional opinion. Sexy soccer mama or brainy beauty? You're an aging sexpot celebrating a decade of turning twenty-nine. You got two little rugrats who aren't that little, a husband who thinks the extras trailer's a buffet table and gravity ain't doing you any favors. So "Happy Birthday, sexy mama" or ...Fred! Fred, sweetie, you're sort of like a woman.

That's not a compliment.

Lorne

Well, more so than El Cid here. I need some insight. You're an aging...

I heard. Don't mention her birthday, don't send a card, send a big bunch of flowers just because she's special and pefect and eternally bladi bla.

Lorne

Staring me right in the face. Genius

And I'm a lot like a woman.

Lorne

You're all woman. You're every woman. You're Wonder Woman!

Damn straight.

Lorne

Holy tornado, it's true!

Spike

Yeah, it was amazing! Angel went right off on the mail guy.

Lorne

Oh this must've been one major smackdown!

Angel

There was no smacking!

Lorne

That's not the hubbub I'm hearing, honey buns. Word on the web has you sucker punching Grandpa Moses.

Angel

The web?

Lorne

Don't sweat it, sweetie pie. I've got my flack-catcher spinnin' this into PR gold. And once the word spreads that you beat up an innocent old man, the truly terrible will think twice before goin' toe to toe with our Avenging Angel.

Spike

Yes. The geriatric community will be soilin' their nappies when they hear you're on the case. Bravo!

Lorne

Wesley Wyndam-Price, you should be ashamed. I didn't know you had a younger brother.

Wesley

Lorne. Yes. This is my father, Roger Wyndam-Price.

How do you do?

Lorne

A father? Well, I don't believe it. Well, OK, I do believe it, but only 'cause I heard you were in the building. Ha ha ha. Well, look at you. It's like Winston Churchill and a young Richard Harris had a beautiful love child, which, according to my sources, may not be as ridiculous as it sounds.