Allen Francis Doyle quotes from Angel

(On Angel's home) Well I like the place. Not much with the view, but it has a certain Batcave air to it.

Cordy it says die!

One of us has been drinking, and I'm sorry to say it's not me.

Well, if it's a fight they want, can't someone else give it to them?

Let me tell you a little bedtime story.

Angel

But I'm not sleepy.

Once upon a time, there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. I mean, other vampires were afraid of him he was such a bastard. Then, one day, he's cursed, by gypsies. They restore his human soul and suddenly he's mad with guilt. You know "What have I done..." You know, he's freaked.

Angel

Okay. Now I'm sleepy.

Yeah well, it's a fairly dull tale. It needs a bit of sex, is my feeling. So sure enough, enters a girl. Pretty little blonde thing. Vampire slayer by trade. And our vampire falls madly in love with her. But eventually the two of them, well, they get fleshy with one another. And the moment he- well, I guess the technical term is "Perfect Happiness". But when our boy gets there, he goes bad he kills again. It's ugly. So when he gets his soul back for the second time, he figures hey he can't be anywhere near young Miss Puppy-Eyes without endangering them both. So what does he do? He takes off, goes to L.A, to fight evil and atone for his crimes. He's a shadow, a faceless champion of the hapless human race. Say, you wouldn't have a beer of any kind here, would you?

It's about showing people there's still love and hope in the world.

Spare change?

Get a job, you lazy sow.

I'm still going to go celebrate with a drink down in the pub.

Cordelia

He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink down in the pub.

Oh, God... You know what would feel really good right now? One of those mind-numbing, head-cracking visions that I get from time to time... because that would really kill me. What, is there some trick to this?

Cordelia

[takes the aspirin bottle away from Doyle and dispenses three tablets] I think the 'trick' is laying off the ale before you start quoting Angela's Ashes and weeping like a baby-man.

Hey, that's a good book.

Cordelia

So I've heard. But I doubt very much that the main characters are Betty and Barney Rubble, as you so vehemently insisted last night. Also? I don't think Oz appreciated being called "my little Bamm-Bamm" all night.

Cordelia

I know Angel's been working day and night to help people fight their personal demons, but I need a raise.

A raise? You've been working for him for, what, like, twenty minutes?

Cordelia

A month. And I have needs.

Needs.

Cordelia

A person, needs certain... designer... things.

Cordelia

We have to stand up to him.

Yeah, we're standing up. [They stand up.]

Cordelia

We'll just wait until he has his coffee. [Angel enters.]

Angel

Good morning.

Cordelia

Morning.

Morning. [Angel pours himself a cup of coffee, sips, and makes a disgusted face.]

Angel

Ehhh. What is this?

Cordelia

Last week's coffee. Think of it as espresso.

Angel

[supresses gag] I think my esophagus is melting.

Well, I don't know if I can help with the acting, but about the apartment?

Cordelia

What?

If you ever wanna, you know, spend one night away from the place? Maybe give me a call.

Cordelia

Well, stranger things have happened. No, wait--they really haven't. [Cordelia leaves and Doyle sits down in Angel's office.]

She's really something, isn't she? It's like wrestling a tiger just to get to know her. Tell me stuff.

Angel

What stuff?

About Cordelia.

Angel

Well, I... I know she can't type or file. Until today I had some hope regarding the phone.

Who's Aura?

Angel

I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. Bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school, decided what was in, who was popular. It was like the Soviet Secret Police, if they cared a lot about shoes.

No... no-no-no-no! Angel, man, how could you?

Angel

How could I what?

You knew I was crazy about her--and I was wearing her down, too. But no--handsome, brooding, vampire guy has to swoop in, all sensitive mouth and overhanging forehead! How about leaving some scraps for the homely-looking fellas who don't turn evil when they get some?

Angel

Cordelia stayed over because there's something wrong with her place. I was on the sofa.

Oh. That's okay, I suppose.

Cordelia

[looking at apartment] Oh, my gosh. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

[looking at Cordelia] Nope. Never.

Angel

Make sure you cut off all the limbs and both heads this time. Remember to bury the parts separately. [tosses sword to Doyle] I don't want this thing coming back to life again.

Cordelia

That's it?

Angel

I'm gonna go clean out the nest. I'll see you back at the office. [he leaves]

Cordelia

Okay, am I wrong in thinking that a "please" and "thank you" is generally considered good form when requesting a dismemberment?

He appreciates us, in his own... unappreciative way.

Angel

Wow. That's vandalism.

It's okay. We'll take care of it later.

Angel

We should leave a note.

Cordelia

Come on.

Angel

What's the magic word?

Cordelia

Urgh!

Angel

I don't think 'urgh' is a magic word, if one could call it a word, and certainly not a magic one.

Cordelia

We don't have time for this.

Angel

There's always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.

Cordelia

Oh, please.

Angel

[smiles] There. That wasn't so hard now was it?