[René is trying to work out who is working for the Resistance]
Are you one of them?
It was very lonely on the Russian front.
Is he one of us?
No, he is one of them!
Please, do not tell everybody!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[The British airmen are cycling along the left side of a road on the way to Nouvion dressed as onion sellers]
CCarstairs
Pretty place France, don’t you think so, Fairfax? Napoleon planted all these trees, you know?
FFairfax
Wonder when he had time to fight any battles?
CCarstairs
He didn’t do it personally, fathead. He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops while they were marching up and down... Do you notice that when ever we pass these peasant people they seem to stare at us in a rather odd way?
FFairfax
Maybe, because you’re driving a girl's bicycle.
CCarstairs
Perhaps we’re doing something wrong. [A car drives by and almost crushes into them]
CCarstairs
Fairfax, I think I’ve cracked it. We’re riding on the wrong side of the road!
[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are admiring their newly stolen treasures]
It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.
Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war.
Is it wise to have it in your office?
Who can see it apart from Helga?
Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga.
You too?
[Herr Flick has mixed up the original Fallen Madonna with two forgeries and needs Helga's help to identify the real one]
I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real.
Only one big booby?
Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries.
[Officer Crabtree has just arrived by parachute dressed as a policeman]
I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom.
[Herr Flick and Helga are in Herr Flick's secret headquarters]
You're looking pensive Herr Flick.
I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies.
What is showing?
Anything we want. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are.
What have you in mind Herr Flick?
I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.
(surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing?
Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.
[René is on the telephone to the communist resistance to ask them to blow up a train]
How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock-bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? [panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!
[Helga is standing in a corner of Herr Flicks headquarters]
Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast.
[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are about to desert from the German army because they failed to destroy a munitions train]
I have good nose.
Yes, yes, you are very handsome...
The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.
Bummed by the RAF?!
CVCol. Von Strohm / Captain Geering
Bummed by the RAF⁉
What have the naughty RAF been up to now?
They bombed an munition train.
Did they destroy it?
There were little pisses all over the track.
[Herr Flick is playing the organ whilst Helga crushes the Captain, the Colonel and René]
Look! No hands!
[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are planning to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen]
Hans, have you got the weedkiller?
Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.
Are you sure it'll work?
Yes. I told him it was for you.
[Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action]
The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
I have the pill in the till.
Wheere is the vine for the General?
It is here in this jug.
The pill contains a drug.
The pill in the till?
Take it and put it in there.
Put the drug in the jug?
(Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.
(panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!
What about the Gateau from the Chateau?
It contains a bomb!!!
A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???
It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.
But where is the fuse?
It is the candle with the handle.
You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!
Simple plots are always the best.
[A tailor prepares an outfit for Helga that Herr Flick will find appropriate for the Gestapo Ball]
We can't have you going to the Gestapo Ball looking any old how.
[Herr Flick sings the "Traditional Gestapo Dance" set to the tune of "The Hokey Cokey"]
You put your left boot in, you put your left boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokey and you burn down the town, that's what it's all about! [While executing a lopsided turn] heil! Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler! [While moving hands up and down]
[Madame Fanny has been spending forged money in the hat shop]
Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither.
YYvette
Arrest her mother? Why, what has she done?
She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hit shop.
What does Crabtree say, Yvette?
YYvette
I think he means "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop.
Presoasly
René (Dressed like Fanny, doing a poor impression of her): Edith, remind him he is supposed to be on our side.
Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mother?
FFanny
I have been asking the same question.
René (takes off his wig): It is I, Rene.
My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog.
Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off.
There is no need to be rode.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 'Allo 'Allo! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.