A character in 'Allo 'Allo!
Played by Guy Siner
'Allo 'Allo! · 90 quotes
Tied for 5th most-quoted character in 'Allo 'Allo!: in 6 of its 90 quotes
Most scenes with: René Artois (4), Captain Hans Geering (2), Colonel Kurt Von Strohm (2)
[René is trying to work out who is working for the Resistance]
Are you one of them?
Lt. GruberIt was very lonely on the Russian front.
Is he one of us?
No, he is one of them!
GruberPlease, do not tell everybody!
[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are about to desert from the German army because they failed to destroy a munitions train]
I have good nose.
Yes, yes, you are very handsome...
The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.
Bummed by the RAF?!
Bummed by the RAF⁉
Lt. GruberWhat have the naughty RAF been up to now?
They bombed an munition train.
Did they destroy it?
There were little pisses all over the track.
[Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action]
The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
I have the pill in the till.
Wheere is the vine for the General?
It is here in this jug.
The pill contains a drug.
The pill in the till?
Take it and put it in there.
Put the drug in the jug?
Gruber(Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.
(panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!
What about the Gateau from the Chateau?
It contains a bomb!!!
A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???
It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.
But where is the fuse?
It is the candle with the handle.
You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!
Simple plots are always the best.
It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.
Lt. GruberHas he eaten the carpet?
No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.
Do you think he has a screw loose?
In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.
[General Von Klinkerhoffen is in hospital in a straitjacket. He is talking into the telephone which is next to the fruit bowl when General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber visit]
Hello Operator. Get me Berlin at once.
I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself.
You incompetent idiot. Come back.
[General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber enter the room]
Yes. I hope the General will be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence.
What is your name, rank and number? Talk to me. If you will not reply I will have you court martialed.
Gruber[Aside to Von Flockenstuffen] He's talking to the fruit.
On second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being.
Lt. GruberYou were always a Twitcher.
I'm still Twitching.
Herr Otto FlickRichard Gibson · 20 quotes
Officer CrabtreeArthur Bostrom · 20 quotes
René ArtoisGorden Kaye · 17 quotes
Captain Alberto BertorelliGavin Richards · 9 quotes
Captain Hans GeeringSam Kelly · 6 quotes
Colonel Kurt Von StrohmRichard Marner · 6 quotes
Edith ArtoisCarmen Silvera · 6 quotes
Monsieur AlfonseKenneth Connor · 5 quotes
Private Helga GeerhartKim Hartman · 4 quotes
GVGeneral Von KlinkerhoffenHilary Minster · 3 quotes
Michelle DuboisKirsten Cooke · 3 quotes
Monsieur Roger LeClercJack Haig · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 'Allo 'Allo! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.