Colonel Kurt Von Strohm quotes from 'Allo 'Allo!

Geering

It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.

Colonel

Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war.

Geering

Is it wise to have it in your office?

Colonel

Who can see it apart from Helga?

Geering

Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga.

Colonel

You too?

Officer Crabtree

I have good nose.

René

Yes, yes, you are very handsome...

Officer Crabtree

The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.

René

Bummed by the RAF?!

Bummed by the RAF⁉

Lt. Gruber

What have the naughty RAF been up to now?

René

They bombed an munition train.

Captain Geering

Did they destroy it?

Officer Crabtree

There were little pisses all over the track.

Colonel

Hans, have you got the weedkiller?

Geering

Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.

Colonel

Are you sure it'll work?

Geering

Yes. I told him it was for you.

Herr Flick

Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?

Colonel Von Strohm

It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick.

Captain Geering

[Nervously] Heil Hilter.

Herr Flick

This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party.

It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.

Lt. Gruber

Has he eaten the carpet?

No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.

Colonel Von Strohm

Do you think he has a screw loose?

In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.

Colonel Von Strohm

Get out, and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat restuffed.

Captain Bertorelli

Good idea. I go and chase a bird or two. (Pinches Helga's bottom on the way out.)