Captain Hans Geering quotes from 'Allo 'Allo!

Geering

It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.

Colonel

Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war.

Geering

Is it wise to have it in your office?

Colonel

Who can see it apart from Helga?

Geering

Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga.

Colonel

You too?

Officer Crabtree

I have good nose.

René

Yes, yes, you are very handsome...

Officer Crabtree

The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.

René

Bummed by the RAF?!

Bummed by the RAF⁉

Lt. Gruber

What have the naughty RAF been up to now?

René

They bombed an munition train.

Captain Geering

Did they destroy it?

Officer Crabtree

There were little pisses all over the track.

Colonel

Hans, have you got the weedkiller?

Geering

Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.

Colonel

Are you sure it'll work?

Geering

Yes. I told him it was for you.

Geering

The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?

René

I have the pill in the till.

Geering

Wheere is the vine for the General?

René

It is here in this jug.

Geering

The pill contains a drug.

René

The pill in the till?

Geering

Take it and put it in there.

René

Put the drug in the jug?

Gruber

(Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.

René

(panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!

Geering

What about the Gateau from the Chateau?

René

It contains a bomb!!!

Geering

A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???

René

It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.

Geering

But where is the fuse?

René

It is the candle with the handle.

Geering

You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!

René

Simple plots are always the best.

Herr Flick

Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?

Colonel Von Strohm

It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick.

Captain Geering

[Nervously] Heil Hilter.

Herr Flick

This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party.