Lines by René Artois 5
[René is on the telephone to the communist resistance to ask them to blow up a train]
RenéHow much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock-bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? [panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!
[To Yvette]
René
When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup.
(To Madame Fanny) Shut up, you (silly) old bat.
You may wonder what I am doing....
Oh Yvette!
Scenes with René Artois 12
[René is trying to work out who is working for the Resistance]
René
Are you one of them?
It was very lonely on the Russian front.
René
No, he is one of them!
Please, do not tell everybody!
[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are about to desert from the German army because they failed to destroy a munitions train]
René
Yes, yes, you are very handsome...
The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.
René
Bummed by the RAF?!
CVCol. Von Strohm / Captain Geering
Bummed by the RAF⁉
What have the naughty RAF been up to now?
René
They bombed an munition train.
There were little pisses all over the track.
[Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action]
The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
René
I have the pill in the till.
Wheere is the vine for the General?
René
It is here in this jug.
The pill contains a drug.
René
The pill in the till?
Take it and put it in there.
René
Put the drug in the jug?
(Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.
René
(panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!
What about the Gateau from the Chateau?
René
It contains a bomb!!!
A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???
René
It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.
René
It is the candle with the handle.
You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!
René
Simple plots are always the best.
[Madame Fanny has been spending forged money in the hat shop]
Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither.
YYvette
Arrest her mother? Why, what has she done?
She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hit shop.
What does Crabtree say, Yvette?
YYvette
I think he means "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop.
René (Dressed like Fanny, doing a poor impression of her): Edith, remind him he is supposed to be on our side.
Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mother?
FFanny
I have been asking the same question.
René (takes off his wig): It is I, Rene.
My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog.
René
Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off.
There is no need to be rode.
[Captain Bertorelli has been taken upstairs by Mimi to look at some paintings. Mimi actually intends to kill him]
[He staggers down the stairs after Mimi roughed him up "showing him the paintings", he finially collapses on the floor gibbering, trying to say something to Lt. Gruber]
Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls.
René
Don't worry, he won't.
[Edith discovers René and Yvette embracing in the larder]
René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
René
You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder.
René
Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out.
Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came.
René
We thought you were singing.
[René has just survived an attempt on his life by the Communist Resistance, in retaliation for the events of the previous episode]
René
I am not dead, you silly cow!
[René goes to the Gendarmerie (police station) as he continues to look for somewhere safe to hide from Denise Laroque. Watch this on YouTube]
René
Service! Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter)
Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss.
René
Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please?
Are you confessing to some cream?
René
Yes. Cream galore!
In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Meerder?
René
No.
René
No.
René
No.
René
No.
René
No.
René
No.
René
What is "arsin"?
René
Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up.
I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke?
René
Oh my God! Why do I pay rates?
[René has been captured by the Communist Resistance and brought to Denise Laroque. She forgives him]
DDenise
Now, hold me. Kiss me. Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again.
René
(Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again.
[Edith implores René to help Madame Fanny to escape from jail]
Mama is not well. How will she endure the hardships of prison life? The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin?
René
She is only the local nick. She has not been sent to Devil's Island... Yet, anyway.
'Allo 'Allo! · 90 quotes
