Dick Solomon quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun

Tommy

Commander, permission to speak freely.

Dick

Granted.

Tommy

As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks. In that order.

Dick

[talking about art] What makes them strive to create this?

Tommy

Naked women.

Dick

These are not naked women, they're nudes. Nudity is the artist's passionate celebration of the human form.

Tommy

[taking an art book] Well, party on!

Dick

Why are you suddenly so civil?

Now we know each other's boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other.

Tommy

Wait, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to gain each other's respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn't that strike you as stupid?

[after a beat] Kids, huh?

Dick

They don't understand the world.

Mary

They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world's changed, huh?

Dick

It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?

Mary

Did you ever drop acid?

Dick

[misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.

Mary

You did a lot of tripping?

Dick

That's how I dropped the acid.

Well, uh, the truth is that, uh, I think Tommy could do a lot better.

Dick

Be careful sir. You're talking about the creature I've come to think of as my son.

Sally

He's giving off this vibe? Can't you feel it?

Dick

Yes I think I do. Does it feel like a stabbing pain in your left buttock?

Sally

Uh, no.

Dick

Then I appear to be sitting on a tack.

Dick

Okay, let's get this straight; I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.

That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.

Sally

I see. I just have one question.

Sure.

Sally

Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

Okay Mr. Solomon. It's time to finger your perp.

Dick

(points to Mary) Believe me I've tried but she just won't let me.

Dick

You've got a thing in your head.

Harry

A thing?

Dick

Cranial micro receiver chip.

Harry

In my head.

Dick

But it's not in the part you use; it's in your brain.

Dick

A terrible injustice has been done.

What?

Dick

[raising his voice] I said a great injustice has been done!

[annoyed] I heard you. What's the big injustice?

Dick

Someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you.

What?

Dick

[raising his voice] I said someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you!

Tommy

You work at the university.

[smugly] Ah, so I run the university.

Tommy

Well, not so much run as teach a physics class.

I'm a teacher? Were all the janitor's jobs taken?

Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.

Dick

[outraged] What have you done to our toaster?

Dick

Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!

Mary

You want me to try to escape?

Dick

Yes!

Mary

[pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How's that?

Dick

Ah, yes, the "big game." God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the "big game." The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the "big game."

Is he being sarcastic?