Dick Solomon quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun

Dick

Oh my god! I'm hideous!

Dick

Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do.

Sally

Why can't Harry do it?

Dick

Because you're the woman.

Sally

That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?

Dick

Because you lost.

Dick

Oh good you're here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library?

Tommy

Uh, I got a little distracted.

Dick

Again? What happened?

Tommy

Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay. I mean, it's more than okay, it's really okay. I mean--

Dick

What is wrong with you?!

Tommy

I don't know.

Dick

We can't leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you're finished.

Tommy

Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?

Dick

You are a child.

Tommy

I'm older than you.

Dick

Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet size matters.

Sally

Dick, women are trouble. I should know! I've been one for two weeks!

Dick

I know, which brings up another point. I command you to shave under your arms.

Sally

Doable. I'm sorry you find me so offensive (tears up)

Dick

Dammit! Pull yourself together, man! We're going out.

Sally

Ok, give me an hour.

Dick

An hour?

Sally

I got to rotate these (indicating breasts). It's a party!

We are gathered here, before God....

Dick

Now, which one of those guys is God?

Mary

Will you be quiet?

Dick

Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

Dick

Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.

Mary

And this is news?

Dick

You know, you have to admire these humans. Their lives are so fragile, and yet they are willing to commit to each other for a lifetime.

Sally

Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.

Tommy

Hey, hey! At least I'm getting some here, alright?

Dick

Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?

Mary

Aw, nobody's perfect.

Sally

You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in... and pulled all the bones out of my body... [starts crying]

Dick

My God, what are you doing?

Sally

[wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!

Dick

Well, stop!

Mary

I'm going to have to find someone who can translate Ukrainian.

Dick

Uh, that's not Ukrainian, that's Turkish. Look, there's a diacritical mark over the 'o'. Bunlar her zaman savaş ganimetleri doğru beni işaret edebilir.

Mary

Well, what does it mean?

Dick

May these always point me toward the spoils of war. This isn't a thimble. It's Turkish nipple armor. In fact, it's very valuable.

Mary

Especially if you have the pair!

Dick

I'm sure you can defeat a simple door lock.

Dick

What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It's illegal!

Tommy

What'd you expect me to do? Beam you in?

Dick

How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? well......he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin's heart approached that speed on friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.

Mary

That was absolutely beautiful.

Tommy

Converting matter to energy?

Sally

Could you have been more trite?

Harry

Why didn't you just phone it in?

Dick

So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?

Mary

Yeah.

Dick

Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?

Mary

Yeah... even then.

Dick

That is so beautiful!

Nina

I knew you had a thing for her.

Dick

Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

Sally

Wait a minute, something about this doesn't wash. She's doing something (gasps) Now I remember! I read about this. She's distorting the truth!

Dick

Dr. Albright would never lie to me.

Sally

Oh wake up and snort the coffee. (pause) Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't.

Dick

We're colleagues! I trust her! I command you to be like her!

Sally

Like what?

Dick

Like a woman.

Sally

Fine! I can woman.