Dick Solomon quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun

Dick

[explaining Thanksgiving] It's a national holiday.

Tommy

What, like Big Giant Head Day?

Dick

Similar...except that no one gets thrown into the sun.

Dick

Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?

How do you make your burgers?

Dick

Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.

Gimme two.

Dick

Thank you, and remember: at Rusty's, E-coli is not on the menu.

Stop saying that!

Dick

You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.

Tommy

I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?

Dick

Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!

Dick

What's going on?

Nina

Oh, she's having a big affair.

Dick

What? You tramp!

Mary

Dick, it's a catered affair.

Dick

You're cheating on me and your diet?

Dick

You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You've sent out mail before.

Harry

Nope.

Dick

Well, you've stapled before...

Harry

I have not.

Dick

Surely you've used a paperclip.

Harry

Oh! You mean those cotton things you put in your ears?

Dick

Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?

Harry

Two!

Dick

You're hired.

Dick

Harry, did I get any phone calls?

Harry

Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly.

Dick

And... who called?

Harry

Well, I don't know, Dick, I'm not clairvoyant.

Mary

Does this mean you've come to your senses and you're going to apologize to Nina?

Dick

No, I will never come to my senses!

Tommy

Sally, they want you to appear on Good Afternoon, Rutherford.

Harry

That's my second-favorite show!

Dick

What's your first-favorite?

Harry

Good Morning, Rutherford.

Dick

Can we take more than one?

Nina

Take as much as you want! Nobody's going to be at this thing.

Mary

Don't be so insensitive.

Nina

[to Dick] Yeah, shame on you!

Sally

I like TV.

Dick

Me too. Let's say we turn it on. [he turns it on]

Sally

It's even better on.

Dick

Oh, Mary! I've just had one of those horrible dreams!

Mary

Well what happened?

Dick

We were getting married!

Mary

[sarcastically] Thank you...

Dick

No, that was the good part. Then, my family showed up.

Mary

Oh, don't tell me? They objected?

Dick

Well...they had issues.

Mary

It's alright. I prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words... and one of them's "off."

Harry

Look at the bright side, Dick: with Janet out of the way, maybe you'll get another shot at Albright.

Dick

You think?

Harry

Probably no. But hey, at least there's still the three of us.

Harry

Oh, yeah! Officer Don called. "Tommy's in jail."

JAIL? [They panic and run out of the apartment.]

Dick

You idiots!

Dick

Women.

Tommy

Women.

Officer Don

Women.

Harry

[high-pitched voice] Women!

Dick

You can't live with 'em and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em.

Harry

That's probably true.

Dick

I want to make a good impression on Mary's parents.

Sally

Mary Albright‘s parents?

Tommy

They're still alive?:

Sally

My God, they must be so old!

Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?

Dick

Under my buckin' hat.