Oleg, how do you feel about cats?
Loved it. Saw it nine times on Broadway. Very clever show, but a little expensive. The most I've ever paid to see a pussy dance.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Hey, Han, do you want a cat?
You could finally have a friend your own size. Come on, you could ride it to work.
No, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody, and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus, they don't show affection.
Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.
I don't understand why a cat would like that. It's so mysterious.
[repeatedly slapping Han on the buttocks] Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty. Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Hmm. Well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much?
I don't know. Something with boobs was touching you?
People with boobs touch me!
She means aside from your mom.
Then, no.
What's a cronut?
Cronut is what we called my Croatian cousin with one testicle. He hung himself.
Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut. They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram. People can't stop talking about them. If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.
[seeing the line for cronuts] All this is for a croissant and a doughnut? Those things already existed! Where was all the fanfare when I combined the sleeping pill with the morning-after pill and called it the "sleep-through-the-morning-after" pill?
How did these things get so popular?
There's no science to this trend stuff. It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy typing in his room, making it all up.
Well, then we have to do some trend research. We've got to figure out how to make Max's Homemade Cupcakes the next cronuts.
I hate all these stupid trends—cleanses, cronuts, condoms...
Where are my old sheets, bitch?
[whining] Why? Why are you calling me a bitch at night? I was sleeping in my new jammies!
Well, I can't sleep without those sheets, so where are they? I checked all your drawers. And by the way, who hides their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?
Those sheets were really special to me, okay?
Oh, did you lose your virginities on them?
I don't have sex in beds, that's where I eat.
[Han sent his mother pictures of a fake girlfriend after learning she is coming from Korea to visit him]
Han, you might have catfished your mom?
I might have.
Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me.
No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet.
All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.
All my mother wants is a cure for hep C.
Look, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline]
"Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?!
She's not a prostitute! She has a website!
Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.
SMSu-Min
I am just so excited that my Han finally found the perfect girlfriend. Oh, you know, his June is a brilliant brain surgeon.
Well, she certainly knows a lot about head.
SMSu-Min
And she goes to church every Sunday.
Yep, that girl is always on her knees.
SMSu-Min
Oh. And she is a classical pianist.
She is making this too easy.
Earl, I need my checks for tonight.
Beautiful?
Check.
Sexy?
Check.
Cool?
Check.
[Max is trying to get a table for her and Caroline at an old-timey restaurant, after Caroline got stood up by a guy who had reservations]
This is where I'd tip you with cash or offer you sex, but I'm kinda broke and you're kinda gay, so just be nice.
BBBrian-Brian
We don't really need to bring my sexuality into it.
I understand, it's hard to be out 100 years ago.
[referring to their messy apartment] Let's just ask Sophie, she has a cleaning service. We have to do something. Yesterday, I saw a roach walk out of our apartment.
Look, I'm gonna tell you what I told that guy who asked me to use my butt to smuggle opium... I'll do it!
Max, we really need to talk about this brochure.
Look, just because I have a pastry school brochure doesn't mean I'm actually gonna go to pastry school. Just like having those porn magazines doesn't mean I'm actually gonna ride around on a tiger performing unspeakable acts with sailors, probably. Pastry school is the same as porn, it's just a dumb fantasy.
Pastry school is not like porn. There is nothing in this brochure about a girl-on-girl croissant.
NNicholas
Chef, if you find this so funny, why don't you take a fiver? Isn't this how your saying goes?
I don't have a saying, but if I did, it'd be more like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." [leaves]
NNicholas
Anyone else who finds something hilarious can also go into the hall. Chef Max?
Nope, nothing 'ilarious. Teach on.
NNicholas
Enough with the dirty jokes. We are all here to become master bakers. Master-baking is something I work really hard at it. To be a master baker...
I'll be in the hall. [leaves]
I'm coming in there to flirt with chef Nicholas, and when I enter, I need you to say, "Caroline, you look amazing."
No. I actually physically can't say that. I would rather walk in there and yell, "I have crabs, and three of them just escaped."
We got from the apartment to the subway to the pastry school in record time. I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and my thong may be on backwards.
There's no wrong way to wear a thong, as long as it's uncomfortable. And with you, the bra's just for decoration. I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.