Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

You realized I replaced that Purell with K-Y, right?

Caroline

Max, please say you're kidding.

Max

Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.

Caroline

Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.

Caroline

[to Esther Rachael] I'm so happy to be in your warm and wonderful home. I was very close to my neighbors, the Kleins. In fact, they called me their honorary Jew.

Max

Stop now. This is like when you tell Earl you're practically black. We'll just get our money and go.

Take our money and go? What are we, barbarians? Stay and celebrate a little! But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men. Sit, eat, come!

Max

Three of my favorite things to do!

Max

Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?

Caroline

It's strictly business.

Max

All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive with a lot of RAM.

Caroline

Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. And I don't do one-night stands.

Max

All right, so don't stand. Lay down.

Caroline

That's not me—the next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit.

Max

Going into Kinko's to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are.

Caroline

You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."

Caroline

I'm so excited to see my father after all this time. How do I look?

Max

You look good. How do I look? Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow?

Caroline

Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. He's full-on staring at you.

Max

Well, I should hope so. If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, it's time for a makeover.

Caroline

[after someone knocks on the door] It's 3:00 a.m. Who would be coming over now?

Max

I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?

Max

Who is it?

Caroline

You can't handle what's on the other side of that door.

Max

Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat. I can handle anything.

Caroline

[opens the door] Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh, no" in kimono.

Oleg

Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.

Max

[to Steve and Michael, a gay couple] I'll go grab some menus for you girls.

Caroline

Max!

Max

Sorry. I'll go grab some menus for you ladies. [walks away]

Love her... So Madeleine Stowe in Revenge.

Oh, she is.

Caroline

I don't watch that.

We love it. It's all about a young blonde woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.

Caroline

Yeah, too close to home.

Caroline

Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend, Max. Max, this is Leo Hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys.

Max

Oh, I've never known a lawyer who wasn't court-appointed for me. Well, except for the ones on Law & Order. Have you ever been on that show?

No, I'm a real lawyer.

Max

You look like someone who was on that show. Are you sure you didn't represent the woman who ate her child?

I've never represented anyone who ate their child... on Law & Order. Caroline, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition regarding your father's case.

Max

Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I haven't seen every episode of Law & Order, just, like, 400 of them.

Max

Anal leakage. [Caroline looks shocked] The grande dame of side effects. [the nurse gives each a small plastic cup with a drug inside] Well, bottoms up.

Caroline

Max, don't say that after "anal leakage."

Caroline

Max. Do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath.

Max

You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts.

Caroline

Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat." Last year, I was taking meetings on Wall Street. This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.

Max

[searching her purse] Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait? [takes pill] If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone.

Caroline

[after someone knocks on the door] Who is it?

Sophie

[from behind door] Kim Kardashian.

Sophie

No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.

Caroline

Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards so we can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair.

Max

Ooh, can't wait. Me and you handing out free cupcakes, stuck between hipsters selling crochet iPad sleeves and Salt-n-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.

Caroline

We're not just giving them away for free. It's marketing. One person eats it and spreads it around to their friends.

Max

So we're herpes.

Caroline

I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job. And it's in Manhattan. It's the first birthday party for the son of a socialite. 60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top!

Max

[surprised] Buttercream?

Caroline

This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner. I was expecting, "Wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy!"

Max

Why? Is your business partner on a show on Nickelodeon? Look, I don't do buttercream. Buttercream is a bitch. If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.

Caroline

[after Sophie finds an invitation to the Metropolitan Museum's annual gala in Caroline's hate mail] This is my favorite social event in all of New York. I've gone every year since I was 18. It's a fashion ball at the Museum of Art—

Max

Yeah, I know what it is. I catered it last year.

Caroline

Max, how weird. We were probably right in the very same room.

Max

Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.

There's a good chance I spit in your drink.

Caroline

What are we gonna do with our dresses? We can't leave them out here. I need them inside. I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart.

Max

What does it matter what we're wearing? We're still gonna be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake.

Caroline

That's why it matters.

Max

[spots a big steel box] Oh, ooh! I know. Here. Help me get the shelves out of this. We can hang our dresses in here and push them in.

Caroline

Brilliant. Kind of like the Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe I used to have.

Max

Or the service elevator I was born in.

Well, in spite of the fact that you have not yet washed your hands...

Caroline

I was just changing my dress in there.

I'll taste it.

Caroline

You will?

I like your entrepreneurial drive. And, uh, I have a feeling that it's actually the only way I'm gonna get out of here alive.